So I've been struggling for a while with my gender identity. I've known for ages that I'm not a girl and I can't really remember ever feeling like I am a girl. I tried the label non binary for a while but it doesn't feel right. I hate being associated with femininity at all. I hate my body. Some days I can't even shower because it would mean looking at my body. I want a flat chest and no feminine curves. Seeing my breasts makes me feel ill. I want them gone. I dress pretty androgynously. I always want to be on the boys team at school and when I was younger I used to tell everyone I wanted to be a boy. I'm scared that this is just a phase even though I've had these feelings for years. Looking at my body makes me want to cry. Hearing my voice makes me want to cry. I want to kill myself because I'm so unhappy. I just want to find myself and be happy. I'm hopefully gonna cut my hair short but really I want to look like the other boys. Being mistaken for a boy gives me like a feeling of joy almost. Like omg they got it right. I don't really know what to do. My parents will be accepting but I'm scared it's a phase. Help?
Well, based on what I am reading. It is clear what's going on. You're a man. Take a deep breath. It took you a lot to accept yourself to this point. From the way you put things, I don't think this is a phase for you. This is real. To be honest, this feels like looking in a mirror and listening to myself talk from years ago. I can empathize with a lot of what you're feeling. I am here to assure you that you are not broken and you have come to the right place. If you feel the time is right, now is the time to begin a new chapter of your life: acceptance. Dear friend, I tell you that it will not be easy. It is more crucial than ever to find support. Talk with your parents and your friends. Be open to them about what you want. Many school counselors are trained to support LGBT you. Yes, that includes you too. I also want you to proceed with caution as well. If you are nervous or scared of presenting as your true self in school, take your time. There is no rush. You don't have to be out to everyone. Who you come out to is your decision. Do so carefully. If someone is bullying you because of being trans. Speak out against it. You have the right to be treated with respect as well as everyone else. For bathroom matters, ask yourself if you are ready to present as your true self at school. If so, talk with a counselor on possibly using the boy's bathroom or a gender neutral one. For clothing, take it slow. If you want to present as your true self, go for it. Talk to your parents and see if you can donate your old clothes. You can also ask if they can take you out shopping. In time, you may be able to get a binder as well. Binding is a big part in being a trans guy. There are a lot of ways of doing it, but some are not safe. Do NOT bind with ace bandages. They will hurt your ribs, and maybe break them. Duct tape is hell to get off, so skip on that. A good "starter Binder" is wearing two sports bras: one facing forward, one facing backward. When you do get a legit binder, remember to take it off after 8 hours. Do NOT sleep in one. A binder will be tight, but it shouldn't be so tight to the point you can't breathe. Packing: It can be tricky to do if you are young or have a small body. You could use a rolled up sock pinned (with a safety pin) to the front of a brief/boxer. Try not to make it too big or it'll look awkward. Periods: Talk to your doctor about going on birth control. Did you know that some forms of it can stop periods? This is a good place to start. If you have one of these, try your best to distract yourself. Go for a walk or a run. Play a game. Have fun. Distraction is a good trick to keep intrusive thoughts at bay. Take pain meds for cramps as well, since soothing the pain will help keep your mind off of it. T: In some states, you can go on T as young as 16, but you'll need parental consent. Take your time with this, too. There is no hurry. Live as a guy for awhile and let everyone around you (as well as yourself) adjust. Transitioning isn't a race. It's a lot to take in. It's a big revelation. However, you are seeing it now. Remember that we are here if you need online support. Don't be afraid to ask for help. We are happy to see you here and we are more than happy to help. Dylan
Thank you so much for all of the useful advise. I had asked my mum previously for a binder because she knows how I feel about my breasts, but she said no because she said it would damage them while they're growing. For the time being I just wear sports bras but I'm at that size where they aren't big but they're notieable so I'll try your trick when I can. I'm scared mostly about never being one of the "real" boys.
I talked to my mum about it and she said it's common for teenagers with Aspergers to have gender dysphoria and that we need to tackle autism before gender. I'm currently going through an evaluation for Aspergers and she said that maybe after I've got through that I'll realise that gender isn't the problem. She also said she's entirely happy to accept me for who I am, she just doesn't want me making any big decisions yet.
You have a very loving mother =] She's right too, there is a lot of crossover in mental illness/conditions with mixed gender feelings, so patience is good. Remember you're you, you're loved, bodies can and do change, so try to be brave. Because you're at the puberty stage there's going to be a lot of hormones going around that will play with your head, even if you feel fine you might not be. The best thing to do is take it slow, work with family and doctors, and it WILL work out in the end.
