I know my parents are trying to understand, even though they don't. I know they are trying to be accepting. I know they are dealing with this as best they can. And that makes me feel guilty for hurting over some of the things they say. It hurts that they can't see me growing up to be their son. It hurts when they say over and over that I'm a girl, biologically, that that's how god made me and there's nothing wrong with it. That they don't know why I can't just be their daughter. That they just can't understand. They've both said that so many times. I don't know how to make them understand what I'm feeling. I tell them, because I don't want to be a girl physically. Because I'm constantly jealous of guys. Because I hate being called "she." They keep asking "why" but sometimes it feels like they don't want to hear the answer. When I told my mom that, she said it hurt her feelings that I could say that, when they're both trying so hard to help me through this. They think all of this is hurting them as much as it's hurting me, but I doubt it. They say that this is hurting them too. I know it is. But that adds more to my struggle. They say they feel what I feel? Well, I feel what they feel too. And so I hold all of it on top of me. I know they're trying their best. And I feel greedy and ungrateful for wishing their best was better. Sometimes when they say they love me, I feel like their not talking to me at all. That they're talking to their daughter, and she's not here. It makes me feel so dead. It makes me feel like I want to be dead. They don't think I understand how hard this is going to be for me. I do. They don't understand how hard it /is/ for me. How hard it is for me now. I wish they could parent me through this. It doesn't feel like there's anyone there to keep me from hitting the bottom. It feels like I have to do this all on my own. They drive me from appointment to appointment, but when we talk about it it doesn't even feel like they're there. Everything is different. They both act so different. This is all hard to explain. I just needed to get it out, and I wondered if anyone on here could advise me. I don't know what to do or what to feel.
Anthony, I've been where you are now and I know it hurts like hell. Stay strong, brother. You will get through this. What you described about your parents sounds like something out of my own journal last year. I came out and everything spiraled downward. They told me it was God's plan, they wouldn't accept me, and so forth. They love me but don't understand. My being out hurt them, and their rejection hurt me. I hated myself for hurting them, and for being trans, and for even coming out at all. They don't look at me the same anymore. There were nights I wanted to end my life. But by some miracle I didn't. There will be really sucky days, but there will also be good days. This is not the end, this is not your fate. As long as there is breath in your lungs there is hope, Anthony. Live each day, one at a time, and remind yourself why you are fighting. For peace and authenticity. For love. For your future family and friends. For the beautiful life you will live. For your home and maybe one day your own children. This is not impossible for you. I know it hurts so bad right now. My heart goes out to you, reading this. But it gets better, it really does. Live to see that day. If you ever need anyone, I am here on EC everyday and so are the advisors. Always keep fighting.
I'm sorry to hear that, Ant. I'm sure all that guilt is hard to handle right now especially at your age. You seem like a good son and don't want to hurt your parents. And of course this is hard on your parents too, but I'm sure they'll come around. My own parents are totally accepting so they say but are stilll kind of struggling to wrap their minds around it for some reason even though though I've been walking, talking and dressing pretty much like a guy for nearly ten years lol. They have this image of us in their heads that doesn't match our self image and that isn't our fault. Once they see you happier I think they will start to understand.
Thanks Alec, thanks Patrick. Your responses made my world feel a hell of a lot brighter. I don't know what I would do without you guys and the other folks on Ec. You people are my rock. Bless ya. :')
Your parents seem to be struggling too. Give them time. Just like all that stuff is not easy for you, it's difficult for them as well. I hope you can talk about gender and your needs with your gender therapist? And about your parents' reactions?
I'm sorry that you are struggling. To be honest, I don't know what it feels like to be you. But I guess I wanted to let u know that it isn't greedy to want things to work out better than they are right now. Even though your parents are trying (and I think blaming them wouldn't be good because they are trying their best), it's ok to feel frustrated sometimes (it's normal), so don't feel like you have to blame yourself for struggling either. After all, you just want to be accepted for who you are. Good Luck!
