Hi! This is my second thread here. The other one was about my feelings as a biological male of enjoying feeling feminine and being recognized as such. I concluded that I identify as genderfluid. Maybe I'm not 100% specifically that, maybe something closer to bigender possibly maybe; but either way, genderfluid feels like it fits close enough. But I find myself kinda doubting it a lot? Various reasons I guess. Like, when I place myself in that feminine mode... It's not really like a strong dysphoria or something I like feeling girly, and enjoy being recognized as female, or at least feminine; but at the same time I don't necessarily feel fully "woman" in those states, nor always have a strong desire to change my body (tho I do fantasize about that sometimes), etc. But I don't feel like just a "girly boy" either; while I like being honest about my biology, I don't want to be thought of as male in that state. It's like... lol, it's like some kind of 3rd gender option that I can only define as feeling like "me" I guess I guess I wonder if I'd have to feel stronger about it all in those states to actually justify calling myself genderfluid?? :x And y'know, maybe it's cuz I've lived all my life as a male, but I do really feel comfortable as a guy. I saw a drawing of a gal in a really cute dress today and it stirred up those feminine-loving feelings again. But then I saw one of a cool-looking dude and I felt the same way. I love expressing both sides of the spectrum. But the female side which doesn't get expressed much can end up feeling like maybe it's not as big of a deal, or just "an interest"... I'm also kinda concerned I guess that maybe it's just a fad to me? Something I'm doing to "fit in" with my friends, a lot of which are trans/fluid... But I mean, even if my questioning is encouraged by knowing them, I can't negate the feelings I actually have. I guess I just wonder whether I'm making too big a deal of something that's maybe only just a fascination. Altho, Some of these doubts just be the "fluidity" of it all coming into play I suppose. Y'know, not feeling a certain way as strongly one day as compared to the next. Just, sometimes I find myself feeling kinda "eh" about it all... But then at other times, getting to express that other side of myself makes me gush with feelings. Like the day I figured out that I identify as this and and changed my avatar on the sites I hang with my friends on to something feminine (yeah, it's a small thing, but I don't have many other means of expression open to me right now) and let my mind run free to feel girly, I felt stupidly happy... I mean, I smiled more than I had in what felt like years. Maybe I was just having a good day, lol; but I feel like that's gotta mean something... Once again I'm not totally sure what I'm asking here but I just like hearing your comments Maybe others have felt similar feelings and insecurities?
Yea I really get what you mean, I think its normal! I'm guy aligned but I almost never feel really 'manly', I just feel like me and i'm cool with that. I like presenting male and having short hair/ guys clothes n everything, but I still find myself loving a lot of femme outfits and stuff. I understand what you mean about feeling like you're following a fad. I really only started questioning/ realizing after I became friends w some trans people too, but I think I sort of just started understanding myself more from that point on, not confusing myself. I think the happiness you felt after changing your avatars might be gender euphoria? It's a strong positive feel that you get when you feel really aligned w/ your gender. I got the same feeling when I got my binder, cut my hair, etc... But yeah. be patient with yourself, you'll figure everything out with some time. Whether you find out your genderfluid or something else, we'll accept you here
I say genderqueer, but if anyone asks for a full explanation I'll tell them I'm genderfluid and flow between androgyny and feminine boy. I'm AFAB, transmasculine; I want to be recognized and addressed as male, but still be able to wear dresses and paint my nails... in my most femme moods, I don't experience dysphoria. Whatever you want to call yourself is what's right.
Again as I said in the other post, it sounds like autogynephilia to me. That aside, there's always a 'honeymoon' phase to these things. Right now you're letting a lot of the excitement out, so there will be a release of endorphins/dopamine. Over time it'll settle down.
