Well, my welcome thread has been pushed off the first page and I've posted a bit. I suppose it's time to start taking about the thing that brought me here. After all, everybody comes here with something in particular on their mind. I suppose I should start with some background. As my profile says, I was raised male and I see myself as genderfluid. Though, to me it feels like “genderfluid” is more of an opinion about the human race — I think few to none of us are 100% masculine or 100% feminine, and I'm merely showing interest in actually recognizing my secondary gender features. This is not an uncommon story, but back when I was a kid, women's garments were fascinating to me, and now and then I would stealborrow my mother's or my sister's clothing late at night. It wasn't until much later, though, that I'd try it out seriously. Fast-forward to my early twenties. I started getting into Japanese animation, and a friend invited me to try out my first anime convention. I was hooked. I instantly got into the costuming aspect of it, or “cosplay” as it is known, and I noticed that many cosplayers would cross-dress to play a character — some quite convincingly. Within a couple years I got curious and joined a “crossplay” forum, and tried it out myself. I crossplayed a catgirl maid, and I'm quite proud of the job I did. But it was only at conventions, and crossdressing is treated as a fetish in Japanese animation, so it was a limited outlet. Let's skip ahead a little over a decade. After many trials and errors in life, and a serious medical battle, I met the love of my life. We had a whirlwind long-distance romance over Facebook after meeting through friends, and we eventually got engaged, after which she moved here to be with me. My wife is bisexual, as it turned out, and she has been really supportive and happy to see me explore my feminine side. She says she loves that I can be either her husband OR her wife, and she hopes that one day, I can wear feminine clothing in public. She has been shopping for me. We just had our second anniversary, and as her gift she got me an outfit made up of a skirt, blouse, sweater, and heels, and also a formal red dress and undergarments. As you might guess, the is a bit of an... um... intimate element to these which I won't get into. Still, in lieu of getting to take me out in such clothing, my wife makes our home a safe space for me and encourages me to wear whatever I want around the house. However, the thing that has bothered me most about the crossdressing communities online that I've visited has been that there's too much of a tendency to treat it as a fetish. Looking at how transgenderism's cousin, homosexuality, was treated before the coming out movement, I can see how that might have come about... The easiest place to be yourself is in private with trusted company, and that environment is quite compatible with sex. I don't want this to just be a fetish, though. That feels like it is disrespecting a part of me and killing a chance for personal growth. I'd like it to be a bigger part of my daily life, or even public life. Bringing things into your public life is a lot more difficult than enjoying them privately, but hey, that's what this forum is for. Right now I'm looking for ways to express myself that won't throw a wrench in my lifestyle. For one, I've been growing my hair out for about six months. My vocational counselor recommended that I cut it, but the last time I agreed to it I ended up working at a place where I saw guys with long hair and girls with purple hair all around me. This time, I got hired by a school, and they're surprisingly accepting of alternate appearances — I've worked alongside head teachers with pink hair, full-forearm tattoos, and gauge ear plugs. The world's a-changin', and it isn't always for the worse. I've also been shaving my legs, and while I know this is not a compulsory part of being a woman (heck, my wife hates doing it), I like it. I've been shaving my underarms for many years. There are times I do wonder whether I'm dominantly male, though. When you're raised with a strong emphasis towards being one gender, as most of us are, any experimentation with the other is an act of rebellion, even if it ends up being just 10% or 20% of your personality that is wanting to burst out. Without having had a chance to let things unfold naturally in the first place, I'm having to experiment to see what feels like me. I'd like to know what kinds of experiences people have had that might relate to this. I'm wondering, what other trans and genderqueer members are here at Empty Closets? What was your approach and how did it go? Gender is a spectrum of its own and I'm curious to see who I meet.
