Ok, many steps have been taken, but things still feel like they're in a huge muddle. I am now out as "not cis" to a handful of people, although only a subset of those know I'm still unsure whether I'm non-binary trans masculine or male. I'm getting a bit more used to my new name with a few of them using it in private, and although it's not my favourite name in the world, it does feel like it's starting to be me. I'm still experimenting with pronouns (I'll still go by they on here as I'm not sure how I feel just yet) and I've finally had the courage to tell my doctor, who will try and help me move to mixed accommodation (without giving exact reasons, as I'm not ready to be out to them yet). On the surface this all seems very positive, and I hate myself for not being happier about it, but I'm getting awful dysphoria. I have spent days at a time hiding myself away from everyone, refusing to get changed because I am horrified at my chest. I use a binder, but it does not feel anywhere near flat enough despite it being the right size. I cannot speak in public, as people have called me sir before until I open my mouth. I am struggling to get through each day without trying to seriously harm myself to try and improve these feelings, a lot of the time having to be helped to get through the next hour. I have been trying to think about what I should do in the long term, but it's very difficult to imagine that happening. I cannot go privately, as I don't have enough money myself, and even if my family could afford it, I am not able to be out to them (they don't believe non binary should be recognised and think it's ridiculous). However, waiting times for the NHS are stupid. I frequently feel that things will only be right if sorted out in the next week, and I don't think I could survive if I had to wait years. I have exams to focus on for now, so I can't afford to be anxiously waiting while I have to study, so I am not doing anything for now. However, I really don't know how I would be able to keep going if I had to wait to get the help I need (which is why I can't get referred now and wait until after exams, as I'll be too anxious). Sorry this is so long.
