There is one question about which curiousity is burning me, although I probably don't need to know the anwser. I don't know if I'm non-binary or what, or if I'm trans and coping with it differently. Because I can see all those people equating feeling like the opposite sex with distress and wanting/needing to transition. To be clear, I've come out as transgender and dress like a dude now (no, I don't and won't pass), and I wondered a lot about gender a ton thinking what's actually up, and those two things solved my problems, along with accepting and appreciating that I'm transgender. I could go to a gender therapist, but seriously, I don't know if I don't know the anwser already and why waste my time... I don't feel like I'm changing my mind and suddenly starting to feel like a woman. That's pretty hardcore tomboyism, but whatever, I don't care any longer. There's something I don't understand about transitioning, so it's hard for me to relate to transgender people in general. Maybe I'm lucky to meet lots of awsome people on my path who see me for me no matter what and understand me? I don't get it. All the trans resources etc seem to be about dysphoria and transitioning :eusa_doh: I know I keep on asking that, but I just don't get it. I don't feel non-binary, you know, although technically I'm a gender mashup.
I understand what you're saying. I don't necessarily want to transition either, at least not all the way. I do want top surgery eventually, but I don't think I want HRT. I'm pretty happy with the way I look now, though that's partially because I can already pass pretty easily, or look androgynous at least. And that works for me. I don't really want to deal with the hassle of transitioning fully, as long as the people who are important to me see me for who I am (which they do) I'm ok. I do understand why many people want to fully transition though. I'm lucky enough to pass without having to work too hard but not everyone is and it's really important to a lot of people that they do. But if you're happy not transitioning, that's great! If you end up wanting to down the line that's great too! What matters is being comfortable with who you are.
I don't even understand why I should feel one way or another about my boobs. They are a part of my body. Peiod. Being trans for me is rather a painful acknowledgement of what I am. It's not how I view myself or who I want to be, in the least. I viewed myself as a girl for most of my life, quite firmly. Something at the bottom of my brain kept on screaming that I'm male my whole life, and I just didn't understand it, because it spoke in the language of the body, not reason. Only reframing the situation completely and someone looking at me from a very distant perspective showed me what I really am and was all that time. I reframed quite a few times since then and it doesn't seem to change, I'm more and more clear on the fact that I'm a man. It has completely nothing to do with how I view myself or with my sense of self, with the ego. It's simply my biology. What is more, I thought I am a girl, and I was very attatched to this idea, I tried to "correct" myself and be more like a woman, to be all positive about it, to identify as a woman (you know, my feminism is speaking through me), to reframe womanhood, but it all is just a lie, an illusion. Reality? Hurts. Passing? I don't see why. I just don't. If you transition, passing would be a good idea I suppose, but otherwise? I don't see the point to transitioning at all, I don't see how it's change my situation or what I would gain from it, apart from satisfaction - that it wouldn't really give me. Maybe I'm a butch woman, a tomboy or something like that, maybe that's how it looks like, but my sense of being a woman is quite frail and fluctuating depending on a variety of factors, but that's completely normal, the fluctuation. I'd just say that it's not a normal experience for a woman to view herself as a man on such a regular basis, basically fulfil the social role of a man, and not be bothered by it. If someone simply wants to transition, I understand, but I don't get the eqality between that and what you feel yourself to be. Unsettling thing.
