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How to approach my gender dysphoria?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AriKari, Mar 23, 2017.

  1. AriKari

    Regular Member

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    I'm not really sure how to address this, but I'll do my best.

    I am a male, 23, I came out as gay to a few people (and still in the early stages) roughly a year and a half ago. Coming out as gay is hard enough when I'm still learning how to accept myself, but I have another situation not entirely separate from struggling with my sexuality, after a decade of suppression. As much as I struggle with my sexuality and acceptance of myself in general, it doesn't begin to compare with the mental battle I face day in and day out with my gender identity. I used to never think much of it, but I've had bouts of disgust at my gender. I remember (hazily) situations from as early as mid-late elementary school (roughly 4th grade) where I wished really badly that I was a girl. It bothered me more and more as I got into middle and my man's body started developing. I've never cared for it, but I've always dismissed those feelings as stress and the other mental (and physical) obstacles that puberty, and ultimately school, comes with. I'm constantly thinking about my gender to the point that it's ALWAYS on my mind. These thoughts have become me.

    I've consistently watched sissy, transgender porn, and I'm always wishing that it was me. I thought for a while that it was probably just a fetish more than anything, but I'm not so sure anymore. I wear my hair up and down like a girl, i shave my face, and for a while my body. Its because i don't like body hair. I avoid working out lately because i want to be a "thick" girl, but i can't work out and get the body i want with taking hormones. I'm always thinking about cute dresses and outfits i want to wear. I want to learn how to do my makeup. I want to be a woman, but i don't have the body type and im afraid to transition. im afraid to even face this. All I know is that if I had a choice to change my sex one time, id willingly be a woman without hesitation. I already think of myself as a woman, but I don't know how to begin to face this. I feel like therapy could help but I'm scared to start. How do i talk about my gender issues when I've never even had a regular therapist before?

    Any and all insight is appreciated. I just really some kind of input. I feel like I'm going crazy.
    (I've also written my story out more than 10 times over the course of the last 2 years or something and deleted it before i ever posted it.)
     
  2. Worker Bee

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    Hey there. Talking to a therapist about your feelings and dysphoria definitely seems to be something you need to do.

    You need to find a therapist who specialises in gender identities and sexuality. I don't think you need to have experienced regular therapy first.

    I understand you being scared to start, it's only natural. When I approached my dr recently about all the stuff going through my head I was terrified and worried I would break down, not speak etc so I wrote a substantial list of everything that was causing me anxiety and confusion (including my gender and sexual identity). As I still wasn't sure if I could even read it to him I just handed him the list. Maybe that approach would work for you initially
     
  3. looking for me

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    I cannot recommend someone with at least a grounding in gender identity and sexual orientation enough. it has been so very central to me becoming me.
     
  4. AriKari

    Regular Member

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    Thank you so much you guys. It seems I've got some things I need to sort out, so it's nice to have my thoughts validated a little bit.