Hello everyone. I'm not quite sure really where to start this thread, or if I'm even in the right place to talk about it, but... I kind of really need to talk about it and stop ignoring it. I am, for most intents and purposes, Gay. When I was younger (and there is a whole paper trail of posts and threads on this forum about that should you wish to go read them) I struggled somewhat with figuring out exactly what I wanted to identify as, but ultimately I've been pretty happy with Gay as the assigned descriptor for the past couple years now. Why the last couple years? Well, that brings us to the reason for this thread here. A couple years ago I met a guy, fell madly in love and have been with him ever since. Which brings the question of why I'm here. He (I suppose She? Pronouns are confusing) has come out and told me that they want to transition from M to F. He has mentioned a few times over the years that he has felt this way, and that he feels like he wants to be a woman, but this is the first time he has outright said that he wants to go and see a doctor and talk about beginning transitioning from one to the other. This is not necessarily related to this situation, but transgender people and transitioning has been a difficult and touchy subject for me for a very long time. As a child, my biological father also chose to transition from male to female, and in so doing ended his (her?) relationship with my mother. I have barely seen or heard from my biological father since then, and as a child before I knew better I blamed his transition for a lot of the difficult financial and emotional times thatpur family went through afterwards. My partner knows that, and I've made efforts to try and seperate the issue of my biological fathers gender identity from his leaving us in my head since, but it's still a touchy subject. I mean, even as a gay guy I would for example never wear womens clothes, makeup or do anything like that, because of the emotional trauma I went through as a child. Anywho. Childhood angst aside. Now... I want to be supportive and help him. I really do. But I understand so little about transgender, and the idea of transgender is scary to me. I am so scared and worried about what this will mean for *us* and for our relationship. I am gay. I am not biologically attracted to females. I love him so much and he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but he is not happy being that person. What do I do? Thanks for reading my ramblings. Any advice is much appreciated.
Unfortunately, it's not fair to ask a person not to transition for your sake. Our condition brings us a lot of pain. It's really up to you whether or not you believe you can stay with her or not, but if you can't stay with her romantically, friendship is almost as good. You can still stay with her in that sense. I realize you've got some trauma about this and that sucks, but this is a growing moment for you that may help you get past your past experiences with transitions, if you stay with her and support her. If you find that you can't do that, best to let go. A person who is transgender simply can not be truly happy belongin in the gender they were assigned at birth, we simply can not do it. The unhappiness over your situation and dissonance with your own identity and body builds up over the years and, well, there's a reason suicide rates amongst transpeople is so high.
It's a heartbreaking situation to be in and I'm sorry that you have to go through it. The first thing that you need to come to terms with is that your partner was never really a man as your biological father was never a man. The feeling of disconnect between our bodies and who we are inside is typically persistent throughout our lives and intensifies drastically at puberty when our bodies change. Trauma tends to be a fairly good point of reference as the feeling of emptiness and loss that accompanies the traumatic experience is similar to what gender dysphoria feels like. There is always a sense of loss revolving around our bodies because we know deep down that it should have been different. Transitioning relieves that constant and deep sense of loss and resulting pain that has followed us around throughout our lives. However, transitioning comes at a huge cost and the knowledge that those that we love and who love us will be hurt haunts us and often breaks us. That's why acceptance by those around us is so important, without it, we are endlessly haunted by the guilt and sorrow that comes with the rejection of our identities. That being said, acceptance often also comes at a cost because seeing your partner as a gender that you aren't attracted to inevitably leads to you stopping being attracted to them and you are often forced to break up with them. From what I've seen, choosing to stay with your partner and helping them through this process is usually the better choice as it will help you move forward and not feel as deeply the sense of loss and betrayal inherent in breaking up in cases of a partner rejecting the identity. (*hug*) Eveline
