Denial

Mhmm. When it first began to dawn on me that I'm actually male, I was very in denial about it, for like, several months. I, as well, had no supportive people in my life. I convinced myself it was internalized misogyny. Before I knew what being transgender was even, I had so much discomfort over my gender (which I didn't realize that's what it was, I just felt a disconnect with myself and was confused) and I just told myself it was internalized misogyny. I tried to beat it out of myself. I immersed myself in feminism, Riot Grrl stuff...listened to a lot of Hole (Which, I still do, heheh). While that stuff is somewhat cool, I never felt connected to it.

I never wanted this to be my reality. For a long time, I did not even consider for a moment I could be trans. I just went, "oh, no, that isn't me. It couldn't be." I remember seeing something online about transitioning; how difficult it is, you know. And I thought, "I can't be transgender, it's so complicated and hard." Well, it may be difficult, but we don't get to choose what we are, unfortunately. We don't get to just opt out of being trans. Believe me. I've tried.

This may sound odd, but I wish I was a woman. In my heart, in my mind. I wish I could live that life and feel comfortable and okay. But that is not ME. It never will be. And I know that. I have not medically transitioned yet due to family issues, but I present and pass as male pretty much all the time now. And I feel so much better about how I look. So much more honest with myself.

If you're in the midst of denial, it will get better. Especially when you began to change the way you look a little. For me, it was when I cut my hair. That's when I thought, "oh, yeah. This is it."

 

Having accepting people around definitely helped me with the shame/guilt and speeding along some of the accepting process and giving me confidence, but it can't fix everything, like your self esteem and the trials you personally have to go through to accept yourself. No matter how accepting and reassuring others are, sometimes time is all you need to make sense of yourself in your own brain. And sometimes, no matter how well you think you know yourself, you might not entirely until you get there in stages.

For example, before I identified as nonbinary I convinced myself for years I was just a tomboy or an androgynous/masculine girl, and even before that I immediately dismissed the whole concept of nonbinary gender in general (how could anyone possibly not be a boy OR a girl?). Then, when first coming out I thought that I was a demigirl (feeling connected to being a girl but also slightly something else / agender). As a slowly let myself experiment with my presentation, I learned to not be so scared of people seeing me as "different" (like if I was "mistaken" for a boy) and learned that I actually quite enjoyed being seen that way as opposed to a girl because it felt like it matched or lined up more with how I look / act. Nowadays I would say I mostly feel like a nonbinary boy, but had you asked me if I would have ever imagined myself feeling that way 2 short years ago I would probably laugh like I thought that was ridiculous. I wish I could openly go by masculine pronouns in my everyday life now... the only trouble that comes with this is after years of dissociating from how I felt and remaining indifferent to how I was addressed / felt about myself, I feel the more and more I try and come out and experiment now, the deeper I go kind of down a hole I know I won't be able to dig myself out of. I can no longer deny who I am and what I need to be happy, and that's frankly pretty scary, because any time I try and go back to my old easy habits the more painful it becomes. That might seem like a pretty bleak way to look at being trans, but I'm still working on myself too. I understand not feeling "trans enough" and feeling stuck at a standstill because I too cannot / don't want to fully transition either and although continuing makes me my best and happiest, I feel I will soon pass a "point of no return" and before I get there I need to be able to accept that living "in-between" may make me lose partners or friends... I'm just hoping the confidence and acceptance and love I receive as a result will be enough to make up for the potential change to come.

 

I get where you're coming from. For me personally, I wouldn't say I was ever in denial, but I got really good at HIDING. I never hid from myself, but I wanted an easier life, so I got good at pretending and acting in the role that was expected of me. I was never the perfect woman - I'm still a "tomboy" to those who know me - but I sure have tried. And I kind of hate myself for it, because now that I'm approaching finally being able to admit to others that I'm trans, I have a long history of things that people will use to reason against me being trans: "But you like looking pretty!" "You like wearing dresses!" "You got married and had kids!" etc.

I don't regret my family. That wasn't part of pretending. I wanted kids, as a guy. I want to be a dad, but my kids know me as mom, and that probably will never change. I wouldn't ask them to change, anyway. If they chose to call me dad, super. If not, I don't really care.

But anyway, I do get where you're coming from. I've wished I wasn't this way many times.