Coming to a Gender Fluid conclusion?

To start off I am looking for advice and trying to make some new friends that I can be myself and open toward. I have spun the well of gender and sexuality around and around as far back as I can remember, even as a child I feel I explored both male and female rolls enjoy both boy and girl cloths, activities and as little a what would fall under boy and girl cartoons as a kid. I realize that things as small as what interest are do not define gender, but I wanted to make a point as far back as this goes which I would say 4-5 years old. I cant say I have ever been uncomfortable being a boy/man, my problems lie in expressing my feminine side which even with thoughts put in my head that its weird or wrong I have deep feelings and need for excretion. As a teenager I found my self enjoying to company of girls more then guys and was ridiculed and called gay for it. I enjoy both feeling masculine and feminine, as such cross dressing for other reasons then just sexual pleasure, not to say that I don't fall into the sexual category as well. Only my closest friends no even close to the entirety of who I am, but I am to change that hopefully making myself more whole and comfortable. None of my family accepts my grandmother knows I feel a dual gender. As for my sexuality I have landed on pansexual I would guess.. I've been with only females and transfemales never a guy, I feel more attracted to the feminine look then masculine not to say there isn't the occasional guy that turns my head. Getting down to it I have trouble expressing my other side my fem side and want to work at changing that. I also have other problems that include past substance abuse and I have a debilitating Anxiety/Panic disorder that causes long lasting fatigue that I feel hinders me progressing as well. Like I said just want advice and hopefully some new friends. If I left anything out or you would like to know more details please let me know and I will answer to my best. Thank You.