Feeling Agender

For me I've never really felt at one with my biological body (female). I don't feel feminine or female in any way. I wear mens/boys clothing. I also use men's deodorant and aftershave however that's because I don't like the smell of women's scents and the flowery nature of them usually makes me sneeze.

However I don't feel male or masculine in any way either. Tho saying that I could happily live without my boobs.

When I look inside I don't see anything that relates to gender.

Not sure if any of this has made any sense.

 

I have an afab friend who is agender. They used to identify as FTM. Had top surgery and takes T and everything. I think they're still happy with all that.

 

I was AFAB and although my identity tends to be a bit fluid, I usually come out to people as agender or nonbinary because it's the easiest to explain / understand whilst still being somewhat true to myself. I sort of see my gender as starting at 0 (no gender) though it can sometimes move up and down a scale depending on how I feel (like if girl was -10 and boy is 10). I never truly feel one gender or another (like fully a 10 or -10) at most I just feel partially connected to one or the other because it sort of gives me a context in which to place myself. For example, I like masculine looking clothing therefore I prefer being called a boy because I feel it better reflects how I look and hold myself in society compared to girl, since we live in a mostly binary culture, however ultimately I don't feel like either a boy or a girl, but sometimes it feels good to be included in certain categories so I can have like a reference point to communicate who I am if that makes any sense.

 

So I've posted on a few different threads trying to gather insight or clarification on gender dysphoria and am curious if those of you who identify as agender experience dysphoria and in what ways. I definitely feel some connection to the agender identity, but I feel like I keep getting told that it's not that I'm experiencing dysphoria, just wanting to identify outside of typical feminine roles. To me though it seems more than that and am interested in hearing what this is like for others, especially those who have understood these feelings for longer.

 

It is much more than gender roles to me. It is looking at groups of cis male friends having fun together, and feeling joy in relating to them and painfully wanting to be included but not understanding why that doesn't "fill" the place in me, and it is equally looking at groups of cis female friends together and feeling their embrace and inviting me to belong with them, me doing everything "right" and still feeling cold, distanced, and somewhat disgusted without understanding why, without ever feeling like they see "me" for who I am-- just that they painfully overlook me through my makeup or clothes or what they think is supposed to be mine. It's being called a girl and feeling like I'm being stabbed in the abdomen, and being called a boy and floating happily for a moment, only to drift away into guilt, shame, fear, and a sense of distance or dissociation- that I can never be "right" the same way others are. It's feeling okay one day, feeling at peace and totally myself when someone calls me a girl, feeling like I have no connection to these words or this plane of existence, and the next not wanting anyone to call me anything. Wanting to be so far away from everything gendered in this world that I become physically angry when I see heavily gendered things, my only sense of peace comes from things that allow me to forget about it and finally be able to focus on who I am, my soul, inside, and the wonderful androgynous greyness that some people exist as. It's seeing androgyny and rejoicing as I get half a feeling of confusion inside of me for a moment-- the part of me that's been trained to think "boy or girl?" And then immediately realizing that it doesn't at all matter and that I can be at peace with myself, and so can they. That the absence of these binding social shackles have momentarily freed me from this forced existence and just allowed me to exist as an unbiased person, no longer in fear or threat of those who apply these binary rules around us.