So, hmm. Some months ago (this winter), I asked two friends of mine to use male endings when referring to me if we write or talk in private. (I interpret those as "male or neutral"). Now I feel a bit guilty, because: 1) It's a bit of a mess: my profile name is still feminine, under that there's a chat where we should use male-or-neutral endings. 2) When we're not in private and with people I'm not out to, I tend to talk with male-or-neutral endings by mistake because I think with them in my head all the time. Sometimes my friends make that "mistake" too. 3) If before this change I was neutral towards female endings, now I hate using them. That's why I don't want to choose a name yet: I don't want to start feeling odd about my given name. 4) I don't know. I just feel guilty. Where did that led me to? To feel better? Nah, now I don't feel good when I use fem. endings 99% the time I talk with someone. The more I cut my hair, change clothes, change habits, the less I stand, the more I can't go back. Sometimes I try to go back, but it makes me feel sad and sickened. Weird. Last year I would have never guessed a gender questioning period. It seems like I went suddenly cra-zy and picked scissors to cut my past behaviour and turned my mind (and my closet) inside out like a sock. Why? Why now, and not before, and not later? I was… leading a normal life (almost)… then this male side came and said "HELLO you: this is the checklist of things you're going to hate sooner or later." So, male-or-neutral endings lead me to nowhere but dissatisfaction and maybe I should use them no more until I manage some day to "transition" publicly (but burocracy is blind to non-binary people, in my country). Shouldn't I?
I had a similar experience to you. I had someone refer to me in male pronouns and it felt great initially, because I always liked them better. But then I felt guilty...like what I was doing was somehow inherently wrong. I think it is the societal pressure that makes us feel guilty about how we feel about ourselves. I still am not brave enough to embrace using certain pronouns all the time, even though female ones drive me crazy. It is an ingrained thing. Our names, our pronouns. We've lived with them all our lives. Also, some people just like certain pronouns without wanting to be the other gender. Strange, but true. Gender identity can be fluid, so don't stress about feeling a certain way now. Things may settle down, or you may grow comfortable with this new self. Sebby45
Often those two friends do the other lapsus, due to reason 1) I guess. Or maybe not: what if they still perceive me as female? It's easy to do so (again, point 1) ). Maybe they don't believe me and use m. endings for the sake of friendship and tolerance, but they secretly think I'm just a girl with an identity crisis. And I don't know what I could do about it. Probably nothing.
