hello empty closets community!! im new to this site so before i write my post id just like to clarify that i have absolutely no problem with the LGBTQ+ community and i fully support you all! anyways, in the past few years, ive had fleeting moments of questioning my gender, (i am biologically female and 17 year old) however, i immediately dismissed these thoughts and carried on living my life. even so, ever since my internet friend came out as trans at the beginning of this year, i have been having thoughts of "am i trans" and etc. ever since this has happened, everytime i think of this, ive been having jolts of anxiety and sickness through my stomach, and have broken down several times, as quite simply, i WANT to be a girl (my birth sex). ive always been slightly tomboyish in personality throughout my life, but have always liked "(excuse the stereotyping) "girly" things. this anxiety results in me over analyzing my behaviour, thoughts, feelings, childhood and etc constantly. another point to make is that my inner voice so to speak, like the voice in my head i am writing this, as well as who i imagine when i imagine myself doing something (e.g punching someone in the face) is male. i have aquired many (stereotypically) male mannerisms and sense of humour from my father, however ive never considered myself to get along with males rather than females, but i have always felt different to my female peers, most likely due to low self esteem and my boyish behaviour/mind. however i do like feminine things such as wearing dresses, makeup, jewellry, going shopping, gossiping but now through these thoughts im beginning to doubt myself. i have a loving boyfriend who i have told about my situation and he says if i AM trans he will support me but would not pursue a relationship with me, and i also habe a very conservative family who wouldnt accept me. i keep imagining myself coming out and thinking of new names even though this causes me great anxiety and stress because i want to be a girl. also when the thoughts started, i have no problem with my breasts or vagina but now i fee somewhat self conscious because of the thoughts, like im convincing my self to hate them. i feel like i look like a man and speak like a man which are two features i hate. also i know i wouldnt ever want to cut my hair or anything. feeling manly makes me feel sadness as i want to be pretty and skinny like all my friends and i dont feel like that at all, i really just want to feel like i fit in, from the outside everyone says i am femine and pretty but on the inside i dont feel that way.i have no idea if im trans, thoughts of transitioning dont bring me comfort, thoughts of being male dont bring me comfort, i cant tell if im convincing myself im cis or convincing myself im trans or if im in denial or even if i have ocd (i have had pure o ocd in terms of homosexuality and self harm in the past but have never been professionally diagnosed) please someone help me this is taking over my life and i am constantly anxious and upset because of it, i feel like i could never bring myself to ever transition or come out if i was teans, which i hope im not. if you have read this far, congratulations as i do realise i am rambling a hell of a lot, please help me, i dont know what to do
If you want to be a girl, be a girl. There is no gender police to tell you you're not feminine enough to be a girl. Your behaviour is somewhat boyish from what you describe, but there is nothing else in your post that indicates you're trans. You seem to lean the feminine way. You, for example, don't feel the need to identify this way or to have this identity accepted. ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2017 at 07:42 AM ---------- *need to identify as trans ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2017 at 07:44 AM ---------- It looks like, in fact, you don't feel comfortable identifying as male.
The OCD sounds like a big part of this to me. You say you want to fit in with your friends and be "pretty and skinny", that you don't hate your feminine body, and enjoy things like "wearing dresses, makeup, jewelry, going shopping, (and) gossiping." No trans male I can think of would like that kind of stuff. It would cause major dysphoria. You describe yourself as tomboyish...there is a wide range to that. Doesn't automatically mean you want to/need to be a guy. And doesn't take away from your appeal...look, you have a boyfriend who cares about you. But seriously, OCD first.
I agree with what's already been said. If you want to be a girl, be a girl. There is no right or wrong way to be a girl and there are many girls out there who don't like dresses and make-up but still very much identify as a girl. To me it just seems like your friend coming out has caused you to start thinking about your own gender, which can be confusing. You said you don't even like some manly features about yourself, I'd say starting to transition or even take testosterone would be a major mistake in that case.
Doesn't sound like you're trans to me. You say you're uncomfortable with the idea of being male or transitioning and comfortable with being female, so it sounds pretty clear cut. That doesn't sound like the words of a trans person in denial. Since you have OCD, it sounds like this is probably a new obsession.
