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Hindsight is 20/20 - looking back to before I understood I am trans

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Cailan, Apr 15, 2017.

  1. Cailan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2017
    Messages:
    292
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    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    In the last four months I've felt that I wanted to kick myself for not recognizing that I am and have been trans for decades. It would have made my earlier life so much easier in some ways. But also more difficult.

    It's been nearly four months since I finally figured it out at the ripe old age of 47, yet yesterday one of the things that was most obvious just occurred to me as a sign.

    For years (since at least the late 1990s) my husband (MtF, non-transitioned) has suggested I was repressed FtM and needed testosterone. I always responded immediately that I I love being a woman and would never want to give that up.

    Not once did I ever respond that I didn't want to be a man. I never thought about it that way in those moments, but I often wished I could have that magic pill that could change me into a man - as long as I had the equivalent magic pill so I could be female again.

    Until recently, I didn't know (understand) what non-binary was. I kinda knew what agender and androgyne were, and that's what I thought non-binary meant, just those two things. I only heard the term "non-binary" for the first time a couple of years ago. I knew I was neither agender or androgyne, so I immediately dismissed it as important concept for my personal use.

    I told my adult children and my parents about my gender status verbally in February, and now I'm writing letters to my close family members (aunt, uncles, and a close friend). While writing it I compiled a list of many of the signs of my being transgender over the years. Seeing it in writing, all in one place, the evidence is pretty overwhelming. I feel as if I have been blind to miss it all.

    All along, there was only one piece missing that kept me from understanding who and what I am. The lack of understanding of what being non-binary is.

    However, I also realize if I had figured it out as a teenager in the 1980s I would have had nowhere to go with it and would have ended up banging my head against a wall. My ignorance protected me. Non-binary was barely known or acknowledged by the psych world at that time, and treatment (even HRT) was denied to any trans person who wasn't binary AND planned to have only hetero relationships once transitioned. The gatekeeping rules were draconian under Harry Benjamin/early WPATH rules until about 2004.