Female? No? Then what?!

Ok, I wanted to put more thought into what exactly I wanted to say before actually writing this, but I'm about to explode, so here it comes.

So I'm 17, assigned female at birth, raised in a catholic, fairly conservative, but very caring and loving, family. Problem starts when pretty little 15 year old me realizes that she's not straight and leaves her really nice, family-approved boyfriend because she's fallen for another girl. I panicked and tried to deny it (like I had done every other time I had fallen for a girl) but with the help of my therapist (one of the best people in the world) I accepted the fact that I was gay, told my family, and even if they were pretty shocked at first and still hope I'll wake up a straight girl one day, they accepted it because they love me, so eventually I accepted it too and stared telling other people and just living with it.

Thing is, today I find myself in the same shitty situation again, because the same way I once questioned my sexuality, today I'm questioning my gender.

I remember one day when I was very little (around five years old), that I was just eating cereal and being cute, maybe making a mental comparison between me and my seven year old brother (and best friend) and the idea just stroke me "I'm a girl" and it made me feel so trapped and so wrong that it's still in my mind after all these years.

So, if we talk about gender expression, I'm not so "feminine", I really hate makeup (If anyone puts any on my face, I feel weird and make tons of efforts to take it off, sometimes I even feel like crying for no reason). I don't know how/don't like to do my hair. I walk, sit, eat, and sometimes talk in a way that might be considered manly. I usually befriend men and not women because I think other girls are too complicated. I never notice if someone did something with their hair (nor do I care if I cut mine and no one notices). About clothes, somedays I feel happy and beautiful in a dress (always with bloomers below, because I don't know how to walk/sit on a dress), high heals and tons of accessories, and others I can't even stand to look feminine, so I put on jeans, a shirt and sneakers.

Anyways, I know gender expression does not equal gender identity, so if it was just that I would dismiss it, but somedays I really hate my chest and feel very self-conscious about it, like I really want to make my breasts disappear because they feel wrong, while some other days I feel like my chest is way too flat. Once I was talking to a male friend who didn't know how to explain why a girl had gotten mad at him and I sarcastically asked him "Women stuff?", and it was a joke, but it felt really good to count myself apart from the "women" group, and I've felt like this in many other opportunities.

This is not new, I have always had this "I'm not a girl" feeling, but then I pictured myself as a man, with "male" genitalia, perceived by others as a man, and referred to as "sir" all the time and I simply hated the feeling, so I used to think "Okay, then I must be a woman", but I don't like being perceived as a woman either, and being referred to as "miss" or having people tell me I should act more "like a lady" drives me crazy!

I recently came across the term "Non-binary" and it just felt right, particularly the term "Gender-fluid" but I don't know, could this really be me? Sometimes I think I might be making this whole think up, that maybe my mother is somehow right and I do "want to be weird" (Tho that's a really mean way to put it), but then I think maybe this IS real, like the fact that I like girls, and I'm just denying it, like I did with my sexuality for so many years, and I thought writing about might make it a little clearer but it didn't, so I guess I could use some help

Now, this is a really long post, so even if you don't know how to help, I really thank you for reading this far :'D

 

First of, thanks a lot for reading my post and answering I had never heard of the bi-gender identity, I will look into that and see if it clears things up a little. Anyways, I don't think I have ever felt completely male (I have never wanted to have a penis, for example) but I'm sure I'm not/not always a woman. It's a mess really, but I hope I'll be able to better understand it if I keep digging.

I also think it most be hard to be non-binary for the same reasons you stated, for example in my case there's no appearence that keeps all of my "sides" satisfied and happy, and it's really hard to be true to myself if my idea os myself keeps changing and shifting, I only hope I'll have a better idea of what represents me and makes me feel comfortable once I have a better understanding of what's going on in my head.

Anyways, thanks again for the help, when I'm confused I find it really useful to have someone to listen to my rambling(? without judging, and it's also good to have a new term to explore, so I'm really grateful. ^^

 

Hey! Sorry for taking so long on responding. I've been sick for the last couple of days and usually that makes me want to isolate myself a little bit.

Anyways I have been looking for information on bigender identity and I do feel represented, which helps a lot with the stress. I still want to look into it a bit more, but I feel happier and calmer than before, so really thanks a lot for your help and best of luck with everything!