I so desperately want to be feminine and seen as a girl. I'm just so cute, sweet, and tender in my mind but I have this hard outer shell and a non-accepting environment. I'm thrown around like nothing. I have people trying to railroad me. It's sucks. If you could picture a stereotypical anime girl, that's me on the inside. I just love being cute and silly, but that's "concerning behavior" that's not what "a man should do" and it's hard. I hate the way things are. I want to be cute and feminine and cuddly and everything. I'm just so horrendously ugly on the outside and my life is so miserable and negative. It sent me into a tizzy of dysphoria when I recorded myself in front of a camera for a school project. I'm so horrendously fat and ugly I can't bring myself to watch the clip anymore. I'm probably going to cut it out entirely. I'm 6 foot and 300 pounds. It sucks. I just want a normal feminine body and life. It's like I keep getting boxed in and held down everywhere I go, by my own ailments as well as other people who want me to be a certain way to them. It seems like I take mental abuse everywhere I go now. I hate my body, I hate my voice, I hate who I've become, I hate my life. Why did this have to happen? Why does life torture me this way? Why couldn't I have been born into a better life and why couldn't I have the life I wanted? It seems like a prison and I can't break free. I just want to be a girl. I am a girl on the inside. I want to be a cute healthy stable girl with a good life. I want another girl to love me who's so adorable that every time I look into her eyes, I can't help but squeeze her until my arms get sore. I want boobs, I want female reproductive parts, I want a cute appearance, I want to not feel self conscious and ugly. I want to be happy. I want a good stable life where I can live freely as a woman with another woman in my arms. I want these things so bad.....I can't stand it anymore. I'm getting so depressed again. I can't stand the way things are, the way I look, the way others treat me. I don't want anything to do with this life anymore. I want a new life where I can find happiness and achieve my goals without social or mental interference. It sucks. I just want to be happy. I want to be cute and cuddly, I want to be cuddled, I want to be a feminine girl. It's just who I am on the inside and it's who I want to be. Stress, anxiety, depression, thoughts of dread (suicide, seeing myself being killed, seeing others being killed, torture, etc, stuff I don't want to see in my head), crushing depression, self consciousness, gender dysphoria, grief, anger, and so on! I just want a good life.
Oh, I'm so sorry you're struggling. Dysphoria is awful. (*hug*) I read your post and completely related to the part of seeing yourself as something different on the inside. A few days ago, I had to record myself for a group project and I listened to my voice on it afterwards and it was so jarring. In my head I have a deeper voice, but this recording of me was way too feminine. It hurts that people see me like that. You're not the only one. One day you'll be able to be yourself. After (high school, I'm guessing?) you can go wherever you wanna go and escape all the people who treated you poorly. There's a big big world out there! And plenty of people who will see you as you. Until then... you're valid, I promise. This shell, this body we have on the outside doesn't define our soul. Your soul is bright and beautiful. Hang in there, sister. My wall is always open if you need anything.
