Androgynous Boy or Androgynous Girl?

Hello everyone! I'm new and I decided to subscribe to EC basically to make this post:
I am really confused about my gender identity
when I was a little kid I showed no signs of dysphoria, I was born a boy and I used to play with boys and identified with male cartoon characters except for one character who was from Mew Mew which I used to watch secretly because I was embarassed to get caught doing "girl things", I also used to play with my two female cousins with dolls but I, obviously, always used the male one and I was fine with it, so I basically was just a little boy with a regular masculine side and a little hidden feminine side, one night tho when I was around the age of 5 I dreamt I was dressed as a girl and I was acting as one talking on a fake phone, I don't know if I was female in that dream or if I was just dressed as one, I was embarassed about that dream and I never talked about it to anyone.
In middle school I was called "gay" "faggot" and "girl" because I was really skinny and delicate, but I also used to get angry at my bullies, which is a typical male reaction, but at the age of 12 I started finding interest in female clothing and I used to wear my moms shoes and tights, at one point, thights caused me arousal and I would masturbate layed on the bed with open legs (I know, I was a weird kid and I had no girlfriend as all the other boys did in my school so...), at that point I thought that I was either gay or trans and I had to hide it, I also wanted to be "respected" so I took on a masculine rapper figure but that only caused me to get bullied even more, then I stopped cross dressing and I fell in love with a girl, in the second year of high school, at the age of 15 I let go of the rapper figure I created and started exerimenting with my style, I really liked alternative styles and I started to dress with skinny jeans and large tops and I wanted a sidecut, I was basically trying to emulate an alternative tomboy, I also wanted to wear eyeliner but I was scared of people's thoughts, at the age of 16 with my hair still growing after a bad haircut (the barber did not want to make me a sidecut because "it is for women") I started inspiring my self to Frank Wolf (an androgynous guy who was popular on facebook but then he killed himself..) at some point I thought I was mtf and I started abandoning all my masculine interests (cars and scientific stuff) and I waited the end of the year to change school (I spent the first three high school years in a very masculine school, I had very few friends, both guys and girls and my first two girlfriends were both bisexual) so at the age of 17 I met a girl who thoght she was a lesbian but we fell in love and I came out to her as genderfluid (at the time I was going back and forth from feeling like a femboy to feeling like a girl) and I wanted so bad to be an androgynous male model, I was really feminine that year, I used to wear leggins and send photos of my legs to my girlfriend and I had a female bestfriend who liked to dress me up, tho I never used a bra because I thought "I'm an androgynous male, not a crossedresser" (I always hated that term anyways) then my girlfriend came out as genderfluid too and we broke up, after that I cut my hair short and I tried to be more masculine but then I slowly started to be more feminine to the point I was just fine with being an androgynous boy who had both masculine an feminine interests until now... I'm having a crysis, I took a lot of gender identity and brain functions test on the internet, it seems that I'm a case of "psychological androginy" and that's all right I feel really androgynous but I don't know what I should do with my body, I'm cool with being an androgynous boy (I've been blessed on my looks) but I also would like to be an androgynous lesbian like Shane McCutcheon from The L World, I know that if my body was more masculine I would hate it, but I don't feel the need of having a female chest and I'm fine with having a penis as long it's not noticeable, this summer I also covered my chest for a photo at the sea and I hate having a beard, which could be an mtf dysphoria sign.
I really don't know anymore, socially it would have been better if I was a girl using guy clothes, because as a guy I'm currently used to avoid things that are too feminine but I'm slowly starting to dress occasionally more feminine but not using dresses or anything "clearly feminine" I would also prefer to pass as a girl when in girl's clothes (I would like to dress both ways)
so it's clear that I'm androgynous but should I be a boy or a girl?

 

You are totally right! I always thought that, Girls can be girls AND boys... while "boys will be boys" I wonder if the thought of transitioning started from that, I mean I prefer to keep my body really neutral, as far as you can't tell if it's a boy dressing girlish or a girl dressing boyish, and I also like being (?) both: I really feel appropriate both "pretty boy" and "tomboy" to me, as you can tell by my username.

Well I used to define myself as genderfluid for a long period but I kinda don't like that anymore becouse people say stuff like "this doesn't exist" "you are just a special snowflake" sure, I'm a fucking introvert scared to end up being alone and I want to feel special, yeah, really... and I didn't even came out that much, only few people know me as genderfluid, so I leaned more toward defining myself as an androgynous boy (well I was born a boy, so), no one ever says "androgyny doesn't exist" because it does from a really long time and you don't even need to be intersex to look androgynous.

The problem is that I even act romantically/erotically both as boy and as a girl, I like being a "pretty boy" or a delicate boy that can look like a girl if dressed as one, but I also like having like... sexy legs, tho I tried to imagine my body as stereotipically feminine and I felt discomfort... I know I really like androginy and slying both ways... even tho my boyish appeareance could be replicated by a cute girl who is androgynous enough and I'm really ok that way, I don't want any male secondary characteristic to be evident... I dislike facial and body hair anyways... but I would also feel strange with big breasts... or brests that you can't hide, so basically my question was if I should transition or not.. I think, relationship wisely it would be better, I would be a butch who sometimes is feminine, or the opposite, it would be more accepted, but that doesn't mean I have to, but I guess finding an accepting and loving and hopefully even enjoying partner will be complicate this way...

As for japan and south korea, yeah, I know! I'm a fan of visual kei and k-pop

I understand your logic, I read that feminine hormones can make you moody and I was like "hell no... I already am too much" and that if I had to go trought srs I would also have to undergo electrolisis, and that really hurts a lot, so maybe I can avoid it and keep my actual genitals.
I also know that there are people who decide to not transition for various motivations
Testosterone does not necessarly make you go bold, for an example I'm male but I have really strong hair that grows fast (that's also due to genetics), maybe my testosterone isn't exactly the highest... but obviously I'm totally fine with it, not only I look more androgynous but I have less side effects and I don't care about muscles so

 

hahaha! best laugh in weeks...
I'm feeling more calm now, I always worry because at the end of day you have to be mainly one thing or the other, especially if you are not in a relationship with someone who is bisexual

 

Thank you! as for dressing, I have my own style, in this period I'm kinda confused about what I should wear, but it's not the problem, I'm just really aiming to understand if I want to live as a man or as a woman, so I looked for hints about dysphoria and other stuff but it's getting really complicated and living as both seems kinda complicated too
I'm scared not only to not find love but to loose all friends and end up being alone