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Body dysmorphia, gender identity, depression

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by shark55, Apr 17, 2017.

  1. shark55

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    So there's this huge discrepancy between what I feel inside and how my body actually looks. For me this has been one of the main causes of my depression for the past few years.

    I'm a girl and my body is pretty feminine with obvious curves but it doesn't reflect my mental image of myself at all. I stopped cutting two years ago but looking in the mirror makes me want to cut again and just destroy this body. I'm ashamed of my body and rarely socialize because of the anxiety around it and always wear baggy clothes/layers to try to hide it.

    I've felt more or less agender (hard to put a word to it) for a while but looking at my body makes my identity feel invalid and somehow not legitimate. I feel like it's a brutal reminder every day that I can never escape the identity I was born in and that others see me as.

    Anyone else relate to this experience?
     
  2. covert direwolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes, I do relate to this.

    It's really hard to feel a way that you don't appear. For example, on Easter, I had to go to my grandparents' house and we started talking about how feminine my dad's girlfriend is. I had to wear a dress, wear makeup, and all that jazz. Here's the conversation:

    Me: I don't know, she's pretty feminine and I can't really relate to her.
    Grandma: What do you mean? Look at you! You're wearing a dress and makeup. You're a total girly girl; stop denying it.

    I am here to tell you that you are not who anyone else says you are. You decide for yourself who you are. Everyone interprets what they're feeling and often times, they choose a label that they think fits them well. Your identity is valid because you are valid. Your gender is a part of who you are, and the longer you deny it, the longer it will hurt you. Be who you are, or at least admit it to yourself, and you will feel much better.

    It will only get better if you let it get better. To me, it seems like you're rather confident with the label that you've chosen for yourself. My advice would be to embrace who you are and to begin to learn to love yourself.

    I hope this helps you. (*hug*)
     
  3. Foxfeather

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    trust me, i can completely relate to this. the funny thing is im on the less curvy side of the feminine spectrum. im a bit more like a waif. i want to be all these strong things for my woman someday but i fear that i will be unable to attract someone who will see me as me. im not unattractive at all, i just know that many people would prefer a "real" man over me. It's not their fault, its how hardwiring goes.

    but I've started being less "bad" to myself. ive never been a cutter though I've hurt myself in other ways. sometimes, all you can do is just lie down and try to quiet the madness and anger and pain in your head. we often hurt ourselves more than society does (though that hurts too) and we should love ourselves because we are amazing things capable of extraordinary and complicated feats of strength. trust me. nobody on the streets knows i'm really a man on the inside. sometimes even i have trouble believing it. but even if i have trouble believing it, i keep telling myself that 1. someday, i will make a woman out there very, very happy for the rest of her life. 2. she will look at me and see me for all my missing pieces, but she'll find that we fit well together. 3. i haven't always been the best person, but i've done some amazing and good things and that must mean that i have the potential to do more good in my life and have a good life. and part of that goodness is reaching out to other trans people and letting know that they are most definitely real and most definitely loved by me and the millions of other people who fight for LGBT freedom.

    We're all stuck at a junction where people don't really understand what the f### we are or where the f### we belong but as the often-persecuted or misunderstood people of this generation, we have a chance to make history and show people in 5 years that gender-shaming is wrong. that they were wrong to believe that we're any different or less human.