Some rambling about gender and dysphoria

I am a trans male.

However, I feel uncomfortable calling myself a "man". I typically stick to boy or guy or anything else implying my male gender other than "man". I don't really know why. Is it because I don't yet see myself as an adult? Is it because I don't "fully" identify as male? I don't know. And I don't really think it matters.

Sometimes I think I may be genderfluid or another non-binary gender. I'm cool with they/them pronouns, and she/her doesn't bother me as long as the person doesn't know better (if they know I use he/him pronouns but call me she/her anyway, that's another story).

While I am a male, I identify more with femininity than masculinity. I prefer spending time with girls/other feminine people. I love stererotypically girly things. Sometimes I even want to wear makeup and dresses.

It can get to the point where I question my entire transition. Am I really a boy? Is this even worth it if I don't care that much? What am I even doing?

And then I remember that the me in my head is not the same as my real physical self.

The me in my head is taller, leaner. Sharper jawline and better hair. Flat chest, wider shoulders.
The real me is short, stocky, and curvy. I've got big ol' hips and a chest I'd like to pretend didn't exist.

The feminine-presenting me isn't the real one, it's the ideal one. The body I want to see in dresses and makeup is completely different from the one that exists, and the dysphoria kills me every time I realize this.

Maybe I am wrong about my gender. That would be fine. I don't think I am, though. I think I'm very much a boy. A gender non-conforming boy. And I just wish the dysphoria would go away so I could embrace that to the fullest.