Hey everyone! I've been wondering about being transgender or not for one year and even thought some things are better now, others are even getting worser. Like the questioning. I've calmed down during the year so I can wondering about things clearer now but the insecurities are still there in my chest and making stuff difficult. Like I'm no typical transgender. There is just hardly any point showing I am a boy. Moreover everything I do and like is showing me I'm not. I like femine things like make up and high heels and even dresses some times. I like teenage romance stuff, fluff, going shopping, hanging out with nearly only women where I feel much more comfortable than around men. Having women conversations and jokes. Even my whole behaviour, gestures, language, expressions are female. Maybe even more female than many of my (female) friends. And it's just....so confusing. And I'm feeling pathetic and overreacting. Like if my own behaviour shoving myself in my face that I'm not a boy, not at heart and only my imagination. Pretending. Most of the time I try ignoring this and just live on. I can hang on the way I feel uncomfortable with my bith name, my body and having an explaination for the femine stuff like seeing make up more as art than because I want to look pretty. Or do like high heels because they make me taller and I feel more manly by being tall and can protect women. So you can say. But when my menstruation is coming closer I suddenly start feeling okay being a woman and even start liking my body and sometimes even don't have to vomit when I look into the mirror. Then I start questioning everything and even wonder how I could be able to looking for Testo. So what the hell is wrong with me?! Btw I'm only wearing boys clothes for a year now but they aren't looking like a boys one on me, not even neutral because of my body having to big curves in everything...my friends are calling me Chris now and somehow it's not really fitting. It's better than my birth name but just not...totally right. Being called he I don't even recognize it. Only when someone is calling me she I recognize it and small anger and discomfort comes up. But my mind is unable to imagine myself looking really like a man or what I would be looking then. And because I can't imagine I'm unable to say if I would like f.e. facial hair or not. Or if I would be okay with looking like a grandfather instead of a grandmother. Am I just liking the romanticised way of being a boy? Or am I a boy? I just don't understand myself at all. Maybe you guys have an idea:/
