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Gender Identity and Expression A forum for support and advice about figuring out and expressing your gender identity. If you have concerns about coming out, please use the Coming Out Advice forum.

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Old 21st Apr 2017, 05:52 AM   #1
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My uncertainty and discomfort is wearing me down.

I'm 17, AFAB, and have been questioning my gender for three years. And it's really fucking wearing me down. It is a constant stress on my mind all the time. I don't like my body but I don't know what I want instead. My body feels too "reproductive" for me, if that makes sense.
There's a guy I'm interested in but I'm afraid of getting in a relationship with him because I'm scared of being seen as 'the woman' in the relationship. I want to be able to have sex with a guy but the thought scares me because I'm afraid of being submissive, and it feels like my body just makes me automatically submissive, even though that isn't the case.
I feel slightly jealous of my crush but I can't tell if that's just because I'm interested in him - most of the times that I have been jealous of a guy, I've been attracted to them. The other times have been successful male role models (It's worth mentioning that most, if not all, of my role models have been male)
I don't want kids. I don't want boobs (but am not sure I'd want a totally flat chest). I don't like being grouped in with the half of humanity that is typically seen as submissive, motherly, feminine. I just feel like my body is totally useless. I want to be tall and strong, dominant. (And if I'm in a relationship with a guy, the contrast makes me feel emasculated for lack of a better word)
My mind is just a mess and this makes me feel like crying. I don't fucking know what I want or who I am, all I know is that I'm not comfortable with myself. I don't think living as a man, or at least 100% man would feel comfortable to me. Oftentimes when strangers call me 'sir' or 'mate', it makes me a bit uncomfortable, like they're seeing someone I'm not. I'm pretty sure that there's at least some female to me. I am guy-ish, but I don't think I feel like a guy. However, if I could've chosen my sex at birth, I might've chosen male.
Sorry this post is chaotic. I'm just fucking sick of this stress and discomfort and I don't know what to do. Yes, I've spoken to my psychologist about this, I even had an assessment with a gender therapist (who felt I didn't fit the criteria for gender dysphoria), and I'm still just lost. Any opinions or advice on how to cope is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 06:00 AM   #2
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Re: My uncertainty and discomfort is wearing me down.

Go to the gym, bulk up and become a powerful beast. You can do whatever you set your mind to. Your body is a temple but also a sculpture. Make it beautiful. My friend Alika is a gymnast. She's really short and really skinny but she has huge biceps, so nobody messes with her. I think that when you see yourself as powerful, you'll feel much better.
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 06:19 AM   #3
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Re: My uncertainty and discomfort is wearing me down.

Thanks for your reply, g robs. I've been wanting to do that.

I tried editing my original post, but it wouldn't let me, so I just want to add two things; 1. Up until a few years ago, I was perfectly fine with being a girl and enjoyed my body. 2. Not unlike other people, ruby rose is an inspiration for me, and shows how you can be masculine but also female. Although it may sound a little strange, sometimes I imagine I'm her to deal with seeing myself naked.
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 06:26 AM   #4
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Re: My uncertainty and discomfort is wearing me down.

Just learn to appreciate one thing at a time.
"You know what? That freckle... that freckle right on my nose.. That's so effing cool. That random blob of melanin within my skin cells is pretty cool. That is a fabulous allele right there"
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 06:30 AM   #5
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Re: My uncertainty and discomfort is wearing me down.

As a woman in her 30s who knows exactly how you feel, my advice is to try and not let these feelings get in the way of your happiness and perusing the boy you like. Saying that, I also know it is VERY hard to put them aside. The best thing for you would probably be to look for a boy who will treat you like one of the guys, but still love you romantically and physically. A boy who is patient and has the capacity to understand your insecurities about your body and your gender and your thoughts on your "role" in the relationship. You need a boy who will work with you.

For me, I'd like to follow my own advice but I've reached a point in my life where I'm outright afraid of getting physical with anyone. My body disgusts me, but would I trade in my female genitals for male genitals? No. Would I make my boobs disappear? Yes... Would I like to be pretty but androgynous looking at the same time? Heck yes. Can I achieve this? Eeeeh... not without surgery. I'm Irish and have a very busty frame... It sucks.

I had one relationship back in highschool where the guy I was with treated me like a bro. Yeah, we were a legit couple and he would speak up for me if the situation called for it, but he knew I could handle my own. He called me "dude" instead of "babe" and we both called eachother "Chris" because our names both started with "Chris" haha. It was great.

I probably would have married this guy if not for two things: I took him to church with me once and he thought I was pushing religion on him. The misunderstanding lead to him dumping me.
The other thing? As we got older he... changed. He started having one-night-stands and I really didn't want to be a notch on his belt.

These days, I think my pride gets in the way of me finding a relationship. I don't want to be the woman, either. I don't want to be sexual because I don't want to be vulnerable, I'm also not attracted to my own body. I don't like my boobs and my weight is an issue. When it comes to potential partners, I don't want to make my partner submissive because... well, I'm not into that.

You're not alone and I know my ramblings aren't really the best advice, but I would have told my younger self the same thing if I could and maybe things would have been better for me romantically today.

In closing, I'll repeat: Look for a guy who treats you like a bro. A boy who is patient and has the capacity to understand your insecurities about your body and your gender and your thoughts on your "role" in the relationship. You need a boy who will work with you. Don't let your insecurities hold you back, because if you find a boy like this who can love you and treat you the way you want to be treated, he's probably worth holding on to despite the struggle you're having with yourself.

*hug* Goodluck.

Last edited by KrissyB; 21st Apr 2017 at 06:33 AM..
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 07:15 AM   #6
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Re: My uncertainty and discomfort is wearing me down.

Have you considered pursuing agender or bigender identities?
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 08:44 AM   #7
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Re: My uncertainty and discomfort is wearing me down.

You don't have to ever have children, and you can be strong and dominant and female, and you can be different from other women. I know how it feels like, to grow up and see nobody like you. I don't know what behavious in particular you mean by "the woman", but you certainly don't have to be that, and there are men out there who prefer strong, independent women, equal pertners not someone to take care of. You can even hit on a guy and it works.

Have you watched the Legend of Korra?
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