hi all, im aware ive already made a similar post however i really reassurance or whatever, honestly i dont know what i need but i hope that making this post will alleviate the anxiety i am experiencing. basically, i cant tell if im convincing myself im trans or convincing myself im cis. when i think of being transgender, i cant decide if the pangs of anxiety i feel are dysphoria or a real fear of being trans. i really dont want to be trans and the thought of presenting as male scares me and makes me uncomfortable. despite this, i cant help but constantly imagine myself as a man and having a penis etc etc. this is very stressful for me to experience. also, i feel as if i look like a man, behave like a man, think like a man and etc which i hate and wish i was more feminine. also, i feel awkward around my female friends and feel as though i get along with males better. also, lately, ive been noticing the use of she her pronouns more when people are addressing me and i dont know how i feel about that. additionally, i cant really seem to see myself as a mother or wife, neither a father or husband. these thoughts are making me incredibly anxious and depressed all i want to be is a cis woman. i dont like my personality or behaviour or looks and wish i was more womanly like my female friends (however i dont really relate to the word woman) i dont know what to do, i honestly feel so alone, i have no desire to transition but keep picturing myself packing or wearing a binder and etc and it freaks me out to the point of crying and depressed thoughts. ii dont want to present as male, but i cant decide whether i feel i SHOULD present as male, because of these thoughts im having, please help i really dont want to be trans, is this dysphoria or just me overthinkingi just feel so different from my friends, how could i possibly be female, even though i really truly want to be, i just dont feel feminine or womanly, and feel constantly masculine which makes me feel like shit basically, i just cant seem to feel more feminine no matter what i do, i feel like a man dressed as/ pretending to be a woman if anything ( disclaimer i do not mean ANY offence whatsoever by this its just how i feel) i really need help and clarification, if any trans man identified with what i was feeling before they knew their true gender/came out as trans (this would be a worst case scenario for me) please help :tears:
I know a little part of how you feel: some days, I'm a bit obsessed over gender questioning too. I'm almost sure that I'm not cis, now. When I wasn't already out to myself, I used to utter in my mind "I'm not a woman!" without knowing why, but I thought "well, maybe some day I will be" and tried to fix my appearance and behaviour and feelings and to repress that sense of wrongness when I presented feminine among women. However, a friend of mine who is a cis woman and calls herself a woman since her teenage years (instead of just "girl") often complains about how she looks and behaves not womanly. I reply to her: "but I see a lot of womanliness in you, even if you have an androgynous vibe", but she doesn't believe me. Maybe time will fix it and she will accept this side of herself, which I also find precious, rare and fascinating. So... "feeling awkward/too masculine" may have different causes. Sorry if I couldn't suggest you more.
First of all, going to a psychologist or gender therapist is probably a good idea, this will help you figure out if what you are feeling is real or a symptom of anxiety. Concerning your question, it is up to you to decide, this is your choice and only you know how you feel inside. Acceptance can take a long time and it can be a painful process. I was terrified when I started to explore the subject, nowadays, it is just a part of who I am. I learned to deal better with the feelings of dysphoria and I'm mostly ok. Identifying as trans should not feel like you are trapped, we identify as trans so we won't have to wear the mask to others, so we can feel true to ourselves for just a little while. You don't have to do anything, don't have to transition, come out or change anything about your life, this is your choice and you are in control. Be whoever you want to be, I am trans and it means nothing to anyone that knows me. It's just a word that helped me feel more comforfable with who I am and has helped me understand myself better. Much hugs, (*hug*) Eveline
I never bind or pack, really... I must look like a tomboy. Hey there's absolutely nothing wrong with who you are. If you feel bad about being both masculine and female, please don't. There's nothing wrong with you.
Feeling same as you, but MtF. I hate the idea of changing my gender, and I have difficulty facing the idea that I'm not just a bisexual man, that I'm different. Remember that you are who you are, and though it sounds hollow, you are awesome the way you are. Peace, stay awesome *hugs*
I think Eveline is right- seeing someone who has an education in this area might be beneficial. That said, there are some other options. You could try binding and dressing slightly more masculine. Then if it feels so utterly wrong (heck you might not even have to "try" from the sounds of it) you could cross off "trans-male" from the list of potential causes. You could also look into some of the nonbinary genders, and maybe see if resources geared towards those people have any suggestions. In the end it's your life, and you're the only one who can analyze it or make decisions regarding it. Good luck! (I'm here to help if I can.)
I started the process of transitioning, came out and went to a gender clinic, reaching the point in which I was prescribed HRT, however, nothing really fell into place, all of my family rejected my identity and after a year and a half of trying to convince them , things just became worse and during that entire time I had absolutely no support outside of friends I made on these forums, additionally, some other events happened that made everything 100 times harder that I would prefer to not write about now but you can read about if you read my past posts. The sequence of events lead to me spiraling deeper and deeper into depression and I reached the point in which I realized that if I don't give in to my family, I wouldn't make it so I decided to put transitioning on hold until I become more independent and crested a strong enough support network outside of my family. What has helped me since then is that I never gave up on who I am, dysphoria can be hard to deal with but I've learned how to balance expression and disconnecting when needed, and I'm able to survive and cope. It helps that I have nephews and nieces that open up the door for me to act like myself around them. My life is what it is and my experiences in the past had made the transition process more complicated. The reason being that having childhood cancer made my family believe that my problems are in consequence of the trauma of that event and it also made me highly dependent on my family as I have a disability. The disability meant that I couldn't just leave my family behind and start a new life when I reached the stage when I felt I had no other way to continue transitioning except to start a new life away from my family. One thing to remember is that trqnsitioning is not only about physically and socially transitioning. There is an internal psychological process that you need to go through throughout the journey. While I wasn't able to transition physically, I did go through a process of growth and acceptance. I don't have any doubts about my gender identity, it is just a part of who I am and my day to day actions are a reflection of that identity in my eyes. I have also realised that no matter how many times I am misgendered or how disconnected I become, I will never lose my internal sense of self and being. This is a core part of who I am and no one can take it away from me. This means that I can be patient and wait to transition until my life changes in such a way that I'll be able to cope better with the process. Furthermore, while dysphoria is obviously painful, the sensation and feeling is something that can be controlled to a certain extent and it won't hurt me beyond the psychological pain. Alicya, feel free to message me if you have any other questions or need to talk, (*hug*) Eveline
