Hey... I know all my other posts that I have made have expressed happiness in me, but something finally broke me down recently that has been in my mind for awhile. It is all the negativity around transgender people. I have been watching many Transgender YouTubers, but I always find the worst stuff in the comments. I'm talking hundreds of comments saying its disgusting, no one will like you if you are trans, then they will say facts about why its a mental illness and why we need treatment and common sense. They say so much more than what i stated, and it really just makes me hate myself and the way I feel. Me being 15 and going through puberty, it makes it harder for me to believe I would pass. I don't like having gender dysphoria and being reminded everyday at school that I can't be like all the other girls. People say it's not a mental illness, but to be honest, we don't 100% know if it is or not, which makes me want to cry because it makes me feel like something is actually wrong with me and that what all the people say is true. I'm scared to transition because I don't want to risk losing connections with people I care about, having regret later in life, not finding a boyfriend, not having biological kids, not being passable, and much more. I'm not suicidal, and being born male isn't stopping me from living a fairly normal life. But with all the negativity and downsides I don't think I should transition unless it comes down to me killing myself or transitioning, which I never see happening. I would love to wear women's clothes and go by Aliciya at school, but I am trying to get a girlfriend and I have some girls in mind I am planning to ask out. If I did what I wanted to at school, I wouldn't be able to date anyone and it would suck. Also, I myself am a Christian and tired of seeing so many comments and posts about people like me going to hell. I also see many reasons why that is false, and why God loves everyone. The thing is, how am I supposed to know who is right and who is wrong. I'm scared and don't want to think that God hates me. I just want all of it to go away and leave me alone. Please help me and give me support and advice on what I should do.
This is going to sound cheesy, but your post actually made me cry because I am going through the same exact thing as you described, and we're the same age (I'm 15 in less than 2 months). I'm just going to address every problem in order. I know YouTube comments are hard to ignore, but just try to remember that they mean nothing. Think about it - plenty of people out there are racist, but everybody else finds those people to be ridiculous and horrible. There will always be people who disagree with others and who, for some reason, feel the need to wreck other's lives. Don't give them what they want (I've also tried to cut down on the amount of YouTube videos' comments I view, which helps). So many people love you and will love you regardless of your identity. While we don't know for sure that being trans* isn't a mental illness, honestly, chances are it's not. Puberty sucks, but you will always have the ability to pass - there will always be things you can do, even if they take time. I know this is so easy for others to say and so hard to believe yourself, but I managed to come to terms with the fact that if someone cuts connections with you because of who you are, you deserve better. Never let the negativity and downsides deter you from transitioning - it shouldn't have to take the choice between that and suicide for you to feel okay to transition. You will always have those who love you, just remember to stay safe and try to take everything slow, or else you will be at more of a risk for hate. I also relate to the God thing and the whole "nobody really knows if it's okay," but we're not hurting anybody. All God wants is for everyone to be equally loved, respected, and cared for. Those that are trying to make us feel bad about who we are are actually more likely to go to hell because they're harassing people for being themselves. One thing in the Bible is that no sin, no matter how big, can't be overcome by love. God won't punish anybody for living a peaceful and happy life - you're not doing anything wrong. I'm sorry that everything is becoming so overwhelming, but just remember there's people out there (like me ) who are just as much of a mess as you :lol: It'll be okay, even though that seems impossible. Feel free to reach out to me at any time if you want to talk, best wishes <3
