FtM peeps I need your help

Well, it took a couple of people mis-gendering me when I was a kid for me to realize I liked the way it felt to be seen as male. I didn't hesitate at all but I did not understand the feelings because after a while I'd go "wait, but I'm a girl". I was left with a lot of conflicting thoughts.

 

We have a thread where you can try how your pronouns sound to you, and it has helped a few people.

For me, I'm part of the clichéd group that almost always sort of knew I was trans. I knew I was a boy as far back as three or four when I was in preschool. While I wasn't rough and rowdy like many of my classmates (I was super soft, shy, and sensitive), it was always sort of there. I got super dysphoria when I had to do anything "female oriented", which looking back on it was anything where I had being a girl forced onto me.

I remember having chest and bottom dysphoria early in, which weirds me out looking back on that. How it upset me that people told me I couldn't go around the house without a shirt when I was super young, or how I unintentionally learned the hard way what made me different t from my guy friends. It sucked. I remember finding comfort in online games where I could be a guy and never have to worry about someone questioning me. While I tried to surpress all of that, it always came back with a vengeance. It became too hard to keep pushing who I was back in the closet. And that's really it.

I'm not sure if this helped or not.

 

I was one who kinda knew back when I was a little kid, like maybe always, but a more conscious awareness of it around three years old. I was told I used to scream and hate the dresses my family put me in as a baby. I grew up with boys, so it didn't really hit me until I started nursery/early years primary school (preschool and kindergarten) and they put me with girl groups and I'd think "wait, that's not right." But the more people told me I was a girl, the more I assumed I was just wrong. And I wasn't going to tell people something I was wrong about. So I kept it all quiet - I stood up to pee when I could use the bathroom alone, I went online where people who didn't really know me naturally assumed I was male, I even packed in my bedroom every once in a while between ages 7-9. I almost always wore boys clothes anyway, so that made life easier in general until puberty.

Point is, I never really panicked or pushed away from it, I just kept it secret in fear of people taking it away. The panic started around 19, when I found the word that defined it all and I both realized that I could do something about it and that I'd have to tell people if I wanted do what I wanted.

 

I've only recently discovered that I'm transgender and I'm still trying to accept myself. I had had suspicions for the past year and a bit, but only in the past few months have I started identifying as trans, although I've had dysphoria since I started puberty and I've never been incredibly feminine. Female pronouns just didn't sound right to me, but neither did male or neutral. I tried they/them for a while, but it didn't fit. I decided to privately try male pronouns when referring to myself in my head, and soon realized it had felt uncomfortable at first because I wasn't used to it. I'm still almost entirely closeted, and still trying to convince myself that I'm not just being silly and not to bother living my life as a female when it's just not me.

 

Being called a girl growing up, particularly during puberty, was sort of like a slap to the face. Naturally I felt at home with my brothers and took pride in being "one of the guys."

I knew something didn't add up because when I was around thirteen or fourteen, I was determined to get a hysterectomy (thinking doctors just gave those out to whoever wanted one). I always wore clothes that hid my chest. I hated long hair and fitting a "girly" stereotype. I was terribly jealous of boys, always thinking to myself how lucky they were to be born right. Some part of me could not fathom how anyone would want to be a girl, because to me it felt like a cursed existence.

When I was about fourteen I would be seen as male by virtually every stranger I met, though at the time I did not know what "transgender" even meant. A couple years later I sorted it all out, but it took a hell of a lot of introspection.

 

I kinda get where you're coming from on everything escalating quickly. For me it was essentially puberty- and it kinda punched me in the gut about a year ago when I got so dysphoric I felt like I was going to puke, pretty consistently, every night for a week. The more I look back, the more I can see the signs were there, just ignored courtesy of my upbringing.
That said, I'm still in the "hesitating" portion that you mentioned, so feel free to ignore me as I'm not officially FTM.

This was me. More or less- I never realized until really recently that I might have been born "wrong". I was raised in a household FULL of girls, and I was really quiet and shy. I could never get anyone to explain (at least well enough) why females weren't all itching to crawl out of their skin, especially once puberty hit. I got "well, you can have kids when you get older" and "Don't you know, if you have a large chest, boys will like you. We'll have to start fending them off with sticks." As I'm sure you can imagine, that didn't exactly prove a comfortable environment to explore the idea that I might not be cis. I never wanted to bear children, and the idea that I had to deal with a period, and a chest for eternity was disgusting.

 

I kind of always fought against puberty without really knowing why until later in life. I was insistent on being seen as one of the guys. I questioned the label 'transgender' well into my late teens, but I think the most definitive moment of "wow yes this is me" was my first year in college, where I confided in a friend about how I wanted to be seen as a guy. The next day, he bought me a binder from gc2b and I tried it on. Never looked back.

 

I'm not FtM, I'm a guy who happens to be a girl xD I'm not changing anything from F to M.

It felt like "Huston, we have a problem". Moment of gravy silence. And then a rain of asteroids.

Hesitation? Hell yes. A ton of confusion too. Things don't add up for me even now.

---------- Post added 28th Apr 2017 at 12:11 PM ----------

I'm not FtM, I'm a guy who happens to be a girl xD I'm not changing anything from F to M.

It felt like "Huston, we have a problem". Moment of gravy silence. And then a rain of asteroids.

Hesitation? Hell yes. A ton of confusion too. Things don't add up for me even now.

 

Well the first thing which jumped in my mind after realising was "Oh so that´s what´ve been wrong all the time".

You see I was always forced to do and behave like everyone expected me. I just had to pretend. When I realised what was "wrong" I felt much beter, many things finally started to make sense. Of course my mind immediately gave me list of things why could I be wrong so I decided to make it up in my head.

I took all of my girl and boy aspects and compared to them. Gotta say my girl aspects aren´t something a boy couldn´t have. Besides I don´t like having breasts at all. Plus I thought about my future and how I want my life to be. So I think I´ve got it.

Hope it helped you somehow and you will find your answer soon.

 

I in a way tried to convince myself that I was non-binary for a long time. I finally asked somebody to use male pronouns with me. I asked them to because at the time I thought that I was bigender. As time went on, I found that I was always on the male side of things. So, I eventaually just came to the conclsion that I was actually male, and not bigender.

 

Questioning is normal it's also important in figuring yourself out take a deep breath.
It took me a entire year of thinking i understood myself and who i was to not thinking i understood myself or who i was and back and forth until one day i just took the jump.
For me it was the quote form a stranger i never spoke to that helped me move forward
they said "It's don't do it and never know" Or "Do it and live a possible better life"
(I don't suggest doing what i did without therapy though because doing what i did tends to come with a bag of struggles and unsolved problems that a therapist could help a person sort threw.) For me though i was sick of questioning and confusion so i did what was needed for myself to move forward, i jumped. I know what you're probably thinking because i heard it before that i'm so "brave" well, you'd be shocked because i wasn't brave i was scared as hell, and didn't want to be wrong. So scared it took a entire year.
my friends during that time often said i was one of the most skiddish people they've met when it came to making the decision. (it's okay to take your time)

But! i do suggest going outside in person and allowing a friend you trust to call you male for a entire day or two and seeing if it feels the same as writing. Why do i say this? I say this because online and offline are great ways to figure things out but when it comes to pronouns offline is more face to face and personal offline isn't and i think it's good to test the waters in person with people. And if you dont' got anyone to do that with that's understandable, or maybe you'll get that chance where a stranger does and if they do take it and run with it there a stranger it should be okay. ^_^ And see if you feel the same. But if you feel you're a boy and you like male pronouns its highly likely you're trans or on the spectrum somewhere and that's okay.