Thought I was MtF, Now Just Confused & Despaired

Alot's happened since I made my last thread here. Coming back because I'm in a lot of confusion.

I'm AMAB, and I've been questioning my gender for a few months now. I went from (re?)discovering my feminine side, and initially thinking maybe I was on the nonbinary spectrum, to feeling unsatisfied with that and having some of those feelings fade etc, and thus partly burying it. Then eventually I came back to it and dived into my feminine side deeper than ever before, and found myself really liking it, and wanting more of it... I started dressing as a girl in private whenever I could and presenting feminine in my online spaces, and even started removing body hair and stuff.

I came to feel like the signs strongly pointed towards me being transgender. And so, I made the tentative decision to take those feelings and go with it. I even came out to some people. I was that confident. I started presenting female even more deeply where I could. Nearly immediately I had people coming to me for advice with their gender-related issues, believe it or not. And I stood steadfast in what I'd felt I'd discovered for myself. I've always wanted to be a girl on some level, so the realization that I could transition felt like a dream come true.

And then a week later it all came crashing down. All of a sudden I went from feeling ecstatic about finding my identity and having feelings of gender euphoria as I'd think about the changes I hope to have down the road, to suddenly feeling like a guy again and losing my confidence in everything. It's been 3 days of doubts now and I find myself disturbingly barely feeling any gender conflicts at all, and feeling anxious whenever I try to inhabit my feminine space. All attempts at reassuring myself don't hold. I've been laying in my bed wanting to die.
I need some help... I'm too shy and embarrassed to talk to my friends. There's no gender therapists for 100s of miles and I can't afford the alternatives. I could have finally told my normal therapist yesterday, but I just stiffly sat there instead, frozen in embarrassment and self-doubt.

I don't even know what I feel. I feel trapped in some type of haze in-between everything; that I'm something, but yet nothing. I desperately don't want to be a guy, but something inside myself that I can't control stubbornly sits there hazily insisting "MALE", and I can feel my old self beckoning like an old friend... But I don't want to go to him. I desperately want to be a girl like I've desired for so long, but I'm no longer able to feel like she's me and I feel like a sham, and I feel like I'm not displaced enough in my own gender role to justify occupying that space.

I know it's possible that I'm genderfluid (which was my original guess) or something else nonbinary, and maybe that's why these feelings fade from time to time; and I know those are perfectly valid identities. But the thought of myself being one of those makes me want to (sorry to be graphic :c I'm very depressed) drive a heavy spike into my head and end it all because I feel like I'll be doomed to confusion.... I couldn't live in a state of flux. And I hate the thought that my self would ever want to be male if I could be female.

I should be able to feel like... if I want to transition, if it would make me happy, I should be able to just do it; and sometimes I can convince myself of that, but it only brings me confidence for about 5 minutes before my calm is driven out by anxiousness again... the feeling of something not right maybe? I don't even know.... My dress has been stuffed back into the drawer again and I don't know if I'll ever feel completely right about it again. All this after having amazing feelings of gender euphoria from being female... How does that just... disappear? Where does it go?

I don't know who I am. I'm scared of the answers. I don't know what to do or where to go.

If you guys can give me any help at all, I'd appreciate it :c

 

I guess something like that's possible. Maybe I'd be generally male with my female side showing Itself from time to time. I'd so much rather just be one thing or the other tho... bleh. Also, speaking of agender, I have had feelings that make me feel like I could relate to that somewhat tbh.

I just... really, really hope to not find myself on the nonbinary spectrum tho... I just don't know how I could live like that. I wouldn't know how to deal with that kind of flux. And I can't see it leaving me very happy. But it seems like the signs might not be in my favor.

This is also possible. I was raised in a pretty conservative home.

But idk.

Thank you!!! <3 hugs

---------- Post added 29th Apr 2017 at 01:38 AM ----------

It's possible... It does feel awful. And like... You'd think if I actually were male, feeling like I was male would be relieving... you'd think?

But I'm not sure ^^; It's hard to shake off that unwanted voice that feels like it's trying to tell you you're just a dude... Or to know whether to believe it. Like, what if I just worked myself up so much to the idea of being a transgirl that I'm trying to push myself into something I'm not? That's scary :s And would be so disappointing if it turns out to be all it was... My trans friends are all so beautiful and awesome and I want to have what they have so bad...

That's a good point. And yea, I know whatever happens, it's gonna be a long road. I'm sure there's a lot to discover about myself yet even. But god, this is... such a hard and discouraging bump in the road... :c

Good idea; I'm kinda trying to that. Especially since I suffer from anxiety issues as it is. Just trying to move on with things and not think about it for a bit... But it feels like I can only go so far before the thoughts come flooding back and make me feel awful and sick again...

Thank you!!! c': hugs back

 

:3c Well I'm glad to hear that

I know how relieving it is to find people's stories that match your own experiences...

And yea, the responses thus far have been comforting and helpful.

As far as what I can really say... It does sound like you're going thru the same type of thing as myself. But I can't really give the answers to you, cuz I'm beginning to learn that our identity isn't something one can ever truly prove either way; and especially not by someone other than yourself. No matter how many other people's experiences we compare ourselves to, or how many "Am I Trans?" articles we read, the validity of our own identity is subjective to only our own experiences... There's no objective proof or scale or measure out there to tell us what we are or we aren't. We can only evaluate ourselves on our own, and try to believe in how we feel without forcing ourselves to provide some kind of hard, cold evidence that doesn't and will never exist.

Honesty, if we're questioning this far, we're most likely not cis, and we probably already know deep down what we want. And remember that it's not like other people haven't had these same doubts.

I'm not fully out of the woods yet myself, but those are some things that have helped me a bit ^^;

---------- Post added 29th Apr 2017 at 05:57 PM ----------

It haven't fully regained my confidence yet, but I'm feeling like this is probably what'll happen to me lol ^^