Hi everyone, Ive been having gender issues, im not sure how to word it best, i guess its not that uncommon i just feel embarrassed talking about it.. Im just gonna start at the beginning... I became aware of being bi when i was 12 but i always sort of knew, it was just this "clicking" moment, like "oh, yeah, this means im bi". At around 15 i had another of those moments. I never related to the girls in romance movies, but then i tried putting myself into the guys position and everything clicked. All of the sudden romance movies made sense. It was a little overwhelming tbh... Im still not sure what to make of it.. For a while i wondered if i was actually a lesbian, but i do feel attraction towards guys, its just i cant see myself being with one really, again, unless i put myself into a guys position... A friend of mine is a trans guy and he described the same thing, i talked to him about my feelings and he didnt really seem to think i was trans until i told him about that... I guess i could see myself being with a girl, but i feel uncomfortable describing myself as a lesbian, i think its because i just dont feel like im a woman. When i started questioning my gender i started dressing in clothes from the guys section, stopped wearing make up everyday and eventually got the sides and back of my head shaved short. I feel better, more comfortable, except now i actually feel uncomfortable wearing makeup in public amd being seen as feminine in general. Nothing makes me feel as flattered, as being asked if im a boy or a girl, or even better being read as male. Im binding too, though its a bit of a rocky road. I couldnt wait to get my first binder, and it makes me feel very good, confident, maybe a little "sexy"? When i got my first binder i tried not to bind too often. The more i wore it the more uncomfortable i became without it. Now i bind regularly, got a new binder too because the first one turned out to be too small, hurt and stuff. Still wore it until the new one arrived. Tried kt tape for a week but i guess when you use it too often in a short period off time it starts ripping your skin off. Or maybe it was on me, taking it off too quick, but off the point. Im full of doubt because wanting to be read as male and thus feeling uncomfortable with feminity came with questioning my gender, so what if im just subconsciously trying to "fit it" with other trans boys? I dont know if i could live comfortably as a butch woman, it feels restricting.. I deeply wish i was just born a cis guy so i express masculine and feminine and still be read as male be with guys and girls and still be comfortable. Theres other things that make me doubtful: im depressed and maybe seeing other trans guys transition and being happier makes me think id be happier then? I was also bullied from 5th grade to around 7th grade and didnt really have friends so maybe cause i was excluded then i dont see myself as being part of "the girls"? I wish i could just know... feels like i should... feels embarrassing i dont even know my gender... I feel like this post is such a mess, its a mess in my head as well, but im grateful if anyone reads this, maybe just venting on here helps... Im scared. I wish i could come out as trans and go on t, but im scared ill realise later that i could life as a girl Scared ill tradition, but when it comes to bottom surgery i wont go through with it, and then... feel like im not "man enough", like no one would want a guy without a normal penis (i already imagine my clit as a dick, especially when masturbating) Scared of coming out too and scared of being trans, scared people wont accept me as a guy, scared i wont find a partner, or feel incomplete without a cis guys penis... All this is so confusing to me, i dont think anyone on here has all the answers but im grateful for every answer, anything to make sense of this. Im 18 now and dont feel like i came closer to an answer. Its so frustrating... knowing transitining takes a lot of time, therapists recommendations and such, makes me scared im running out of time, or being behind on the progress... I dont know how i feel about having this all written down... i dont know how to end this post... if you read all the way through this unstructured mess... congrats? Sorry? Let me hear your thoughts? Thanks for the open ears.
Yeah that does sound pretty trance. I'm also bi, but find the idea of being with a guy a little odd... from a man's point of view. Chances are, if you wish/want to be a cis guy, then you are trans. Also, you don't have to have any surgery whatsoever that you don't want to have. Many trans guys are in happy relationships, vagina or none. Stay cool
You don't to have to only like girls to be trans, you don't have to masculine to be trans, you don't have to want a dick to be trans. Check out the youtube channel UppercaseCHASE1, he's none of those things and he's pretty awesome.
Sounds like you are trans, and like harrison said: you don't need to only like girls to be trans.Like, heck, I'm bi lol. And yes I read it all. Congrats to me lmao. It wasn't that long and totally worth reading all to hopefully understand you better to help.
You're pushing into trans territory, I'd say, but ultimately, it's up to you. Just answer these questions honestly: Do you feel like a man? Do you feel like a woman? Do you feel like both? (Androgynous, bigender, etc.) Do you feel like neither? (Genderless, etc.) How confident are you about your answer? It's okay to be unsure about the answer to any of these questions, but when you answer based on instinct, it may help you sort out how you are. Also, don't think that gender is something we're born into. My gender identity and orientation's taken an entire 180 degree turn. I can't explain it, but I know it to be true and I trust myself to make the right choices moving forward in dating and in any transition I want.
