I wanted to just ask who I am... I mean how to desceibe it, or what label to put on the left? Like, what do I classify as? I don't care what I get read as, I think. I wish I could read / present masculine, maybe... with skirts it's the other way round, I simply like them and nothing more. I don't think I behave typically like either gender, I'm just me. But I feel like a guy? That's what I say to people. When it comes to transitioning, I'm not all about it. I wish I read masculine as I already wrote, but I don't feel like going out of my way just to prove something to someone, I feel fine the way I am. So I just keep on talking that I'm a dude and I figure I'm not exactly the mainstream image of a woman, (I'm actually pretty... butch? Well, not exactly what you think of when you hear this word, because I don't look the part exactly and I don't have this mascukine hobbies, but I have a quite masculine personality) so that gets a nod of approval. I don't feel too trans, you know... I don't relate to being trans. I relate to guys, lol. Since I realised how I feel I actually stopped being concerned to act the part. And yeah, I am a he, by the way... I don't mind being called a she in everyday life, because I don't want to make fuss and whatever, but I prefer he pronouns...
Oh well, the story of my life is like... before puberty I never paid attention, and I was actually quite attatched to the idea of me being a girl, while I also had dreams in which I was a boy quite frequently, because fictional characters I identified with tended to be boys. Still, I was very fierce about identifying as a girl, and I liked being a girl. Puberty began, and that's the moment I got confused and didn't unedrstant what was going on, because I was supposed to feel something as a girl, but I didn't, I just increasingly felt like a boy instead, and wanted to do all the stereotypical things boys do at that age. It was a disaster, my mom literally teached me how to walk like a girl and sit like a girl. Stereotypical gender roles... it made me think I want to be a boy, but I just didn't like the gender roles. I had a phase for femininity that laster about 2 years, and I just gave up... I consistently wore jeans and a t-shirt kind of stuff, but feminine ones, had long hair and wore make-up, heels sometimes. I got more and more discouraged with time, and had phases in which feminine clothes made me feel uncomfortable, but I'm not really sure why, if it is the clothing itself, or the way it's coded. I had a big problem with girls' clothes themselves for quite some time. I stopped wearing make-up at some point, heels went to the bottom of the closet, but I found the first skirt in years that I felt good in. I mean not ridiculous. I did a lot of sport and I thought my legs exposed looked disgusting, and it's uncomfortable to sit in a skirt anyway... Also my mom insisted on the most "sweet" skirts, and that's so completely not me. Even if I wear a skirt, it's just straight cut and black or gray usually, so I hope you get what I mean. Anyway, at some point when I was 18, I cried myself to sleep that I want to socially be a boy, whatever it meant to me back then. I wanted to be included by the guys, because their fun seemed like funer fun. That's quite miserable, I know. At this point I started to work on appearing less like a girl. In a year, it brought the effect that people wondered if I'm gay, and I was able to confuse some strangers about my gender, the guys accepted me as one of their own, and finally someone was like... Emerry, you are a dude! And I was like... oh shit... I wasn't after androgyny after all, it feels right. I also realised it's not that I'm a math type, because most math girls were... well, girly. They enjoyed being this way. I didn't. It all coincided with me discovering I like girls in fact and that I'm way too masculine for many guys to be into me (heartbreaking...). And that no matter what I do or how ashamed I am of my not-so-girly traits, in closer contact it shows and I will never be this girly person I was supposed to be, I will not be happy pretending her if it doesn't show, because it's just not genuine, and I will not escape it. And yeah, I'm pretty much into girls in the end... Since I realised I feel like a guy, so much has been going on gender expression wise... I cut my hair off, and experimented with more... masculinity in clothing, but then I hit a super feminine phase and started to paint nails, think about babies, and wear skirts so much, a flowers and things, because I think somehow realising I'm trans got me rid of what was blocking me from experiencing those things happily before. It was a total turnaround. It all neatly blended into one by now. Then I came out, and started to experiment with men's clothes and gender expression more. I've been slowly moving into dressing more and more masculine since then. I don't deny myself the feminine clothes I like, but I dress mostly masculine or like a tomboy or neutral. I have no idea if I pass... I sometimes may... but I'm not concerned with it. I think I feel more-less comfortable now. But I want to be out and proud. I pondered about transitioning socially... I'm not sure if I'll do it, or maybe time shows, coming out first. Well, that would mean some transitioning by itself, won't it? Then I'll think about my name. Let's take it slow and steady... Oh my, I didn't realise until I wrote it down how much I've already done and how much I switched my approch to many things... even though nominally I was and am a tomboy. ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2017 at 03:48 PM ---------- Or no, I actually behaved a lot less masculine.
I think a lot of us are confused about things like that. You seem a lot more fluid with your masculinity (at least that is the impression in the post.) You couldn't force me into a skirt or dress anymore if you wanted to! Labels are comforting in a way, but ultimately they don't matter. You need to feel comfortable being you, and I am just starting to realize that myself. If you feel a strong desire to transition socially, it may be useful to have some term you can use to explain to other people how you present...if that is the word I am looking for. Hope it makes sense. Otherwise, enjoy being who you are. And watch out for guilt. I used to try and pretend to be feminine just to please others and because I felt guilty for feeling otherwise. Now that is not an issue...I'm finally letting go of that. All the best, Sebby45
Wow, that sounds so much like me! After decades of simply being confused by my social attraction to men (separate from my sexual attraction to them) and confusion over why I don't completely fit with the other women either, I now identify as bi-gender, female and male. I've gone through more feminine swings and more masculine swings. I suspect my masculine side is more demi-guy than full guy, but he's definitely there.
This. Exactly. I think I wouldn't bother otherwise. I mean I want to do at least something in this direction. Of course i'm fluid, everyone is to a degree. It's like with sexuality: everyone has their exceptions and a little bit of wiggle room. I'm a lesbian. I met my exceptions and it made me think I'm straight. But I call myself bisexual, because I'm open to dating men. I feel guilty for straightforward identifying as male, if anything. Right now. And for expressing that, because I'm a woman after all, and should represent, right? I know I do feel like a guy, but I'm not sure how much I feel like a woman and what exactly this is. I just don't know if to abandon it altogether. Well, I'm not a stereotypical guy for sure. Yeah, strangely I stopped disliking skirts. But I think a counterargument to it being a feminine thing in my case is that dudes can wear skirts, it's just not a thing in out culture. And to me it's just a piece of clothing that looks good on my body. I struggle with deliberate gender presentation tbh, because I just tend to go with what looks good on me and it tends to look quite feminine. Like... I would look very bad with recognisably short hair, and men's clothes simply don't fit. I don't have stereotypical masculine hobbies either and I'm not bothered to change my natural way of moving or speaking (which is not so girly anyway, btw) - I want to be able to just be myself, right? so that's the wrong direction to pretend something. I'm quite attatched to my name too. I'm also not convinced changing my name would have an impact on anything. Supposedly I seem like a punk, if that helps any.
It seems despite everything, that you know yourself pretty well. Maybe using the word genderfluid would be a good start as a term if you get into a situation where you need to say anything? I know what you mean about guilt. I never felt very "feminine," but what exactly does that mean? I am a woman after all. But I hate all the trappings that go with it, and frankly prefer men's things. I would buy small things like a tie or deodorant and then throw them away because I felt I was doing something unnatural. In your culture I can see that the skirt issue isn't so much of a problem, especially if it is of a certain style. And I wouldn't worry about stereotypes. There are many different types of people in this world, and you don't have to have typical male hobbies to feel more masculine. There are guys who do needlework as a hobby! It isn't something you can just toss in the wastebasket if that is really how you feel. Hope this helps, Sebby45
I meant that in the genderal culture it's not a thing for men to wear skirts, in my culture either, well, it's the Western culture... But e.g. in the past it was a thing, priests wear "dresses", Greeks and Romans wore togas, you have kilts too, drag queens, men in dresses appear here and there to be honest... Yup, I already wrote in the guilt thread. Thanks for replying. Helps. ---------- Post added 1st May 2017 at 04:39 AM ---------- I just seem to know everything pretty well and have a problem with asserting my opinion, don't I?
This has only recently become a concern of mine. Gender roles be damned, i never did feel like i was 'one of the girls'. But i don't feel particularly boyish either - mom had me playing sports as a kid cause that was the only out of school activity we had in our small town for a long time and i hated it. I like video games and action/war movies and anime as my main hobbies, and i guess you could call them boyish but still idk. I don't put on makeup (don't even know how tbh despite being shown how at like 12 by my mom). I don't like skirts or dresses for the most part and usually just like well fitting t-shirts or polos and skinny jeans, that's all i wear. I own a few nice shirts and two dresses but i've literally never worn the dress. I bought them so if mom forces me to go to church some day with her and sister i can go under the mental excuse that at least i can try dressing up. Hair, nails, dress, etc. I think it'd be fun to dress up but only under special circumstances, and even if i think it'd be fun but it wouldn't come naturally. So i've wondered for a few weeks now if this is simply me or if there's a label to help me understand it better. Cause its not clear cut - some days its a jeans and a t-shirt and throw my hair up sort of day, and others i find a nicer pair of jeans and a nice top to wear but nothing fancy. I own so many necklaces i never wear i just wear the same one, cause it means a lot to me. On a rare occasion i'll do my hair real nice but the majority of the time its just too much time and effort and it feels weird being concerned about my hair. And as much as i like dressing nicely some times, i can't dress to save my life - i mean i can't pick out outfits and look all amazing like other girls can. I pick out a random shirt i like but don't think about how to pair it with shoes or whatever and make it look like a solid, put together outfit. I feel guilty about how other girls can do that and put on makeup and i can't. I'm boyish but i've always identified as a girl, but i've also never had a reason to think otherwise. This is coming from the girl who convinced herself she was straight from age 12 through 25 so anything's possible really. Is there a word for all this?
