So I've always identified as female. During childhood, I was pretty average with my gender expression. I loved dolls, but I also loved playing sports. I liked jewelry, but I also liked playing outside. As I grew older, I was girly when it came to appearance. I would wear a lot of dresses, skirts, jewelry, etc. For about a year or so in high school, I would style my hair and wear makeup every day, but I soon discovered that I didn't like doing that. When I was younger, a lot of times I did feel like I got along better with guys, but I now have best girlfriends as well as best guy friends. Since I entered college, my appearance has gotten increasingly less girly. I haven't worn makeup in years; most days I just wear a t-shirt and leggings. I don't even wear bras when I don't have to. I never even questioned being a girl until probably a few months ago. A few months ago, while going to the bathroom a couple of times, I suddenly had short flashes of feeling transgender or something (I don't really know how to describe it). Then one day at the dining hall, my close friend (cis straight male) said to me, "I'm not saying you are, but I kind of wonder if you're transgender." I later texted him and told him that it was interesting that he said that because it wasn't the first time I had thought about it. Since then, we haven't really discussed it much because there isn't much to say, but it has come up a couple of times and we've discussed kind of what would happen. (Only about 2-3 of my best friends know about this and they're all supportive.) I don't necessarily like the thought of having surgery to remove my breasts or change other body parts, so would that mean I like my body parts as they are so I am actually cis, or if that could be something else. I joke about wishing I had a dick a lot, and I've always wanted to be able to be able to pee standing up. I honestly do kind of want to know what it's like to have a penis. The reason my friend thinks I might be trans is because of how often I talk about wanting a dick. A lot of times I don't act very feminine, and when I'm hanging out with guy friends I kind of act like a bro around them. Since I learned about the whole spectrum of gender, I knew I was towards the masculine side of being a girl, so that's no surprise. It's just very recently that there have been thoughts that maybe it's more. I've struggled with depression for many years, starting when I was about 11. I just got antidepressants maybe like 2 months ago so I'm starting to do better. I've also always struggled with self esteem issues, and I would always compare myself to other girls. I've finally started to feel better about my body. Because I'm finally starting to feel good about myself as I am, I'm kind of reluctant to even consider being trans because I'm afraid it might not be helpful to my mental health. I've recently realized I'm attracted to girls as well as guys, so it makes me wonder if all this is connected. I also don't have the money to really transition. I also wonder if I did decide to transition if it would be worth it because I don't know if my mom, let alone other people, would accept me. I'm sorry this is so long. I've never written it all out before, so this has been therapeutic. Thank you to anyone who answers.
Sexuality (lesbian/gay/bi/straight) is almost completely independent of gender. It's who you like, rather than who you are. As for your description of yourself, you sound an awful lot like me. I'm bi-gender. I have both the girl I always thought I was, and the guy inside but didn't want to be hidden and kept yammering to come out. I ignored it and had no idea what I was suppressing. Just that I was suppressing something that wasn't comfortable to acknowledge. Thus the sometimes unnerving need to have a penis, which makes no sense if you don't know about the non-binary gender identities. I also had other masculine traits, and sometimes fantasized about being the guy in sex. But most of the time I felt femme, and enjoy being a woman and wearing skirts, dresses, makeup, etc. It's not an on-off switch. Not every trans person is completely male or completely female in their gender identification. There are mixes between, and it's up to each individual to figure out where they are on the spectrum. For me, that means I continue to live as my more comfortable gender (female, which I was born as) and my male side gets what he wants. In this case, I'll be going on testosterone week, and after 1-2 years of being on T I can get metoidioplasty, and I can both have my penis AND keep my vagina. Best of both worlds! And I can choose later which gender identity is right for me later, and either remain on testosterone or de-transition and be a woman with a penis and a vagina.
