Hey y'all, so I've been on a few forums and such before, but literally no one has any clue on helping me figure out what the deal is with what I'm feeling. This is going to be long and all over the place, sorry. So, I'm biologically female, for the most part I like guys, a few girls and at one point someone who was nb, but I would consider myself "straight". My issue is, the thought of being in a relationship with a dude as me, a female, makes me extremely uncomfortable. I have been imagining myself as a dude when I had crushes on boys since around fifth grade. My ego is so huge it's unreal, I'm not even sure how it came to be since everyone in my family is super vain, but I strongly feel like if my self-esteem wasn't through the roof high, I would have dysphoria. I was having issues for the longest time with my hair, it was long, and I didn't like that so I kept it a ponytail or bun for over a year. I never really thought much about being a boy or transitioning until I cut my hair off and my siblings were joking around asking me if I wanted them to use male pronouns, it made me totally obsessed for awhile, but I was too distracted with my sexuality to pay much attention for a few months. I'm back to obsessively thinking about being a boy and what not because I feel strongly that if I stay female, I will never date anyone. Since I now "look like a dude" I have gotten a lot of attention from gay men my age (almost 16), I really like that they think I'm a boy and find me attractive, I have been told by not only my family members, and friends, but complete strangers that I look like a pretty attractive boy, so you can imagine how encouraging, and confusing that is for me. I think if I was to be a boy, I would be VERY feminine, I love my femininity, even though I don't paint my nails and have long hair, or wear makeup, it's so fun to hang out with my girl friends or sisters, go to makeup stores and have someone give me a makeover, etc. I also think drag would be so much fun. Again with the ego, I feel like I would get too much backlash for being feminine, and especially for being gay, I'm worried that I'm not actually trans and just a fag hag, or even an autoandrophile. I can't tell if it's better or worse, but I'm flat chested (especially for my age) and lack curves, top surgery is basically pointless, since I rarely even wear a bra, but bottom sugery would be really cool. I only see a boy in the mirror, I would rather not because I live in the south (NC is especially not a good place to be trans in!!) the people here aren't welcoming to anything that isn't cis and straight, all of my friends are very religious, and while my family is going to accept me no matter what, my dad was raised in a very unaccepting family and my mom isn't close minded, but she isn't on a mission to be as open minded as possible, she can also sense on my especially masculine days and makes it her job to use extra feminine pronouns. My sister also has a friend who is a trans man, even though I've had these feelings and thoughts longs before he was in the picture, I would be worried that my family would think I'm copying to get attention. I'm also worried that this is a phase, and it will pass, I don't really plan on doing things like coming out or even thinking about T, I personally was just going to do me, but I would liks to have a better understanding of who that is exactly. I'm scared that this is a phase, or an internalized cry for attention because a girl I know "came out" as transgender but wasn't actually trans, I think she kept it up for a few months, but everyone just kind of laughed and didn't take her seriously when she told them. Sorry this is long and confusing, there is so much more, probably super important things that I'm forgetting, I just would like a straight up yes or no answer, I'm very open minded when it comes to genders out of the binary, but people have suggested genderfluid and whatnot and for me that just isn't going to row my boat the way I want to, I'd rather just not date than come out as something no one takes seriously, people make fun of me and talk behind my back, give nasty stares or make aggravating comments, I've got a big ego and a lot of confidence, but it only goes so far!
