Finding courage

I'm sitting here, after a long night of thinking about courage, about finding the courage to stop being so afraid, finding the courage to be myself and stop caring so much about being judged by others. Looking back, with the support of my family, I might have found the strength to transition a year ago but the truth is I will never really know. Maybe this was always about me and my fears and ancieyies. Maybe I needed and still need to go through a process of growth, a journey to get rid of the chains that hide me away from the world and the inhibitions that trap me in a life hidden behind a mask. I honestly don't know if I'll ever have the happy ending that I dream of. However, one thing that I truly believe is that I will never give up on the hope that such a life is possible. I will never let go of who I am inside and I will continue to believe that some day, others will likewise see and accept me for who I've always been and will always be, a woman.

(&&&)

Eveline

---------- Post added 8th May 2017 at 11:02 AM ----------

So let me ask, how did you find the courage to let go of the fears, of the inhibitions and chains that life binds us with? I think sometimes we all need to remember how far we have come and be proud of the journey and the many steps that we've made to be here today. (*hug*)

 

(*hug*)

Coming out was so terrifying for me. I had written a short childrens story in preperation but eventually I decided to just say it to my mother. Since then I came out so many times and I guess that at least my one of my brothers doesn't respond badly, being trans just feels like something that I am supposed to keep to myself to avoid making people uncomfortable. For a long time I blamed myself or my family for how badly everything turned out for me. However, I feel that everything is becoming easier as time goes by, the guilt doesn't feel as intense and in many ways I feel as if I have nothing to lose, how can you fall down lower than I was when I was alone trying to deal with the rejection and the deepening depression. This thread has really been the first time in months that I was willing to admit to myself that my journey hasn't really ended, that despite everything, I am still moving forward. It can be hard sometimes to see the steps that we are making and have made over the last year. We try to convince ourselves that we are stuck in place and helpless but every day that passes is meaningful, we've survived and have taken one step forward towards are goal, even if it is the tinniest of steps.

---------- Post added 8th May 2017 at 11:54 AM ----------

Yet after writing what I did I feel the familiar sickness of anxiety and dysphoria and it drains away my conviction, tells me that I made a mistake and I am deluding myself and others by trying to paint the world in a positive light. It often feels like a balancing act, feeling a need to escape as the world sinks lower and lower into the emptiness and often self loathing that you feel as the dysphoria increases in intensity and finding the strength to believe that things will get better and trying to take a step or two forward.

 

It has been a while now, there is no one really I want to come out to. I came out to those that I loved most and did my best to help them understand, what I was unable to do, hopefully time will.

Thank you for wanting to help, I do appreciate it. (*hug*)

I started this thread because I wanted to write something positive and meaningful. Unfortunately, I over thought things yet again and took the thread in a direction I didn't want to take it. I don't really know what I want right now and what I'm searching for, I'm starting in October a degree in psychology which I see as a step in the right direction for me and hopefully things will fall into place. Sometimes you just need to be patient and believe that things will eventually get better. x