I don't know how to start this. Even though I don't usually use trigger warnings, I feel like this is the time I might actually need one, for self-harm because it gets pretty brutal IMO. So...trigger warning: self-harm. I've been struggling with dysphoria really badly recently. Like to the point where I can wear all my male clothing, I can pack and bind and still feel like shit. I guess all I can really think about is that Y chromosome that I'll never have. And people can say that a Y chromosome doesn't mean anything. It does. It means you're genetically male while I'll be genetically female til the day I die. And that's what's really really getting me down. I mean, I can have a penis and I can get a flat chest but I don't know if I'll ever feel authentic enough. I think this may be a brand new low because of how bad my self-harm has gotten. I think I have 25+ scars (from last count, they might've faded) from self-harm, including a not very nice slur cut into my leg. And that was real stupid because like doctors wouldn't know, as soon as they saw it, that I'd done it to myself :\ at least I could get away with saying the others were accidental. I still have the urge to self-harm now but I try not to do it because well....it hurts and I regret it almost immediately after. I've also found myself gaining weight intentionally. Just from not doing my normal exercise and from eating more, out of comfort mostly. It's like a really weird form of self-harm. Because I absolutely hate having even the slightest bit of pudge and I know it'll hurt to have to look in the mirror all the time. I have other issues, not really that kind of self-harm but still self-injurious. Like trichotillomania, picking and scratching at the skin (I don't know what this is called), teeth grinding/bruxism. I've already said that the stress of it all has caused migraines, with one leading to nosebleeds. I've just been obsessing over everything and I don't know how to stop: my hands are too small, my hair is too long, my hair is too thick, my face is too round, my skin is too soft, I'm too short, my hips are too wide, I don't have enough body hair, my voice is too high, I talk "like a girl", my mannerisms are too feminine, I don't have enough muscle, I don't have an Adam's apple (or a penis or testes...). And then there's all the stuff I do have: breasts, a vagina, periods, the uterus. I actually have to call it The Uterus because I can't say "my uterus" without feeling really gross. I can't wear male shirts that are purple or too light a blue/green/any color basically. A little bit of a long story: a lot of my family is actually Catholic and I am proud of it, to be honest. I was religious (by choice) for a fair chunk of my childhood but I became a hardcore atheist as I started questioning my identity. I've struggled with whether I can still be Catholic or whether it's best to stay an atheist for a long time now. When I was a baby, I was given a St Christopher pendant which I'd wear as a kid once I understood the significance of it. And I found it while cleaning up my room today. I thought about wearing it again but then I started worrying again because of course, only girls wear jewellery. Even though it's a gender neutral necklace, I still feel like I can only wear it as a girl. And it'll make me less trans if I do wear it. Anyway, this isn't really about the necklace in particular, that was just an example of how stupid I've become. I can't even do something as small as that without feeling bad. I feel awful all the time and I'm not really sure how to bounce back from this honestly...any advice?
Perhaps get a silver wrist chain, men wear them all the time. Or you could get a medical chain and not tell people it's not for medical reasons. You could talk to some fully post-transition men to see how they feel. I was watching Jamie Raine (JamiDodger, youtuber) and he said that before transition, being trans was all he thought about, but now he doesn't notice it anymore. I'm sorry I can't advice about self harm, have you got a Councillor you can go to? Sorry this is short.
1) One link I found useful: How to Manage and Stop Self Injuring Behavior - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out 2) It makes me so sad when people drift away from religion because they feel it's not compatible with being lgbt. Please remember - if some traces of faith are still into you, which seems to be, I don't know maybe I'm wrong - that spirituality is a personal, intimate dimension of your life. If "collective" religion rejects you - and it should not, but sadly it happens - you don't need to reject faith. Don't let anyone put theirself between you and God/spirituality/whatever.
Exactly. When you're in a place where all you can think of are negative things, you have to stop and try to find something different to look at. A year ago I was in a very similar place, Colin. I was cutting and letting myself go, physically. And part of the reason I self harmed was because, aside from hating myself and feeling like I could never really be a man, I had so much pain that could not be expressed. So I used physical pain to express it. I figured I deserved it, but I knew it was wrong. You are a man, Colin. I don't give a shit about chromosomes or testacles. Who you are is not equal to your body. It is your mind, and if you will, your soul. Cis-men come in all shapes and sizes, even some being born with unusual chromosome patterns. Some cis-men have conditions where they have an undergrown penis (micropenis) or breasts (gynecomastia). But they are still men. They are still given recognition as being men. They didn't have to fight for it. The only difference between a trans man and a cis man is that trans men have to fight every day to prove they're man enough for the world. I know it hurts like hell to be denied who you are. To have to deal with so much loss. It isn't fair. But it isn't your fault. You deserve your love and respect as much as anyone else. Love, Colin, is a choice. When the going is tough, and when everything around you hurts, love asks you to make a different choice. Stop hurting yourself. When you self harm, you're putting cracks in the pane of your life, and over time, there will become so many cracks that the pane breaks. Unless you patch the cracks; allow yourself to heal. As Crisalide mentioned, being LGBT does not make you incompatible with faith. Many in the community are turned away from the church, and that makes me really sad. If anything is to be learned about Christ's life and ministry, it is to love and accept all people, especially the ones society deems as outcasts. Bout what other people believe doesn't determine whether you can have a faith - that is between you and God. Read the Bible for yourself, and determine it's place in your life. We are all here for you, brother. Every day. We won't get tired of you. We won't hate you. Always keep fighting.
Nothing really makes me a guy except for the fact that I have gender dysphoria. I have female parts, everyone uses female pronouns on me, I don't pass as male so... And I self-harm because I'm trapped in a body that I hate and I just want to destroy it.
Have you seen a therapist or gender therapist to talk this out? You can't keep harming yourself. I've done the same, and it solves nothing. It is a spiral that can lead you to death. Once you are dead all your hopes are dead too. There may be options for you to reach your goal that you don't know about. See someone. Please. (*hug*) Sebby45
I do have a counselor and he knows that I'm trans. However, he's a cisgender man, I feel uncomfortable and guilty bringing it up because he could never really understand and I don't want to have to put him in an awkward position by discussing my dysphoria with him.
If you explain him, he can understand. If he's a good therapist. People don't always need to relate exactly to our experience to understand it, be able to empathise or help. On the other hand, Trans people have vastly different experiences too. You could also tell him your doubts about his ability to understand and you could work this through. Go ahead, he's a therapist and you can be brutally honest. You even have to. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. Uni work... ---------- Post added 12th May 2017 at 02:53 PM ---------- As for self harming I think the advice in the guide Crissadale posted is quite good - try to replace your behaviour. I don't know. Just don't cut your self. Punch yourself maybe. You'd look a bit abused at worst, just for a couple of days.
