I was AMAB but ever since I was 5 or so I was the weird kid, y'know the one that sang Edith Piaf at 11 o'clock eventually... I had a lonely childhood cause of my family, mostly for their hate of all things abnormal and overprotection I guess. I was really close to my cousins and I usually played only with them I was kinda boyish still though. So I got to school and things happened after a while, everything wasn’t working anymore back home or on my body, I got really fat and was bullied a lot. I decided to blend in and try being a stone on the corner but that didn’t work out got depression and stuff… I also failed two years cause of it. I got stronger after a while and I decided to go diet my way back to happiness… I got a Quasimodo body but full of scars and acne. I also started being really forced macho cause I was scared of guys picking on me in my new school. I played a lot with the idea of suicide because I didn’t feel like I was whole or significant, like a broken boy mostly, defective… My mom is hella harsh I guess she must have some trauma or something cause she didn’t let me have any friends outside family so imagine what it was like when she found I was dating a girl (at the tender age of 18…) I got like really hurt, in all senses, I had some time for myself so to say, and the girl left… but we got back together and it was cool and sweet but suddenly she said she couldn’t stand how I was weird and awkward and was afraid of my family so she left again. I had long hair at the time I took pride in it since it was the only weird part I could show I became obsessed about it and took it too seriously I knew way more than I needed too but not enough so I buzzed it off and got really sad and cried for a week… Now I was 19 and a half I think, so I just lingered in this hell for a while I was still in high school and felt real weak but I began to remember what I felt about myself before and began wearing some girl t shirts and the odd accessory, I felt great for a while ( skinny pants too) and then I met another girl who messed me up. She said she had a thousand bfs before but I said t’was ok but nope… she began comparing me to the others she had and made me feel like “gay trash” she called me this a week fore we broke up… So I’m here pretty much, alone, now trying to find the strength to make myself whole whatever that means, feeling like trash a lot. I miss myself.:bang:
Welcome to EC. I'm not quite sure what you're asking for, but it's a super supportive community here. It sounds like you enjoy music. Do you have any hobbies or interests that you could apply yourself to? (I ask because it could a- take your mind off of the dating scene, or b- help you meet people with similar interests that you could befriend or possibly even date.) If you go to college, I know there are a lot of clubs and organizations on most campuses, or I think a bunch of places have community classes if you wanted to see about joining one of those. Also, maybe consider a therapist? The way I read this, it doesn't sound like you have a bunch of friends that you can lean on, and that can be really taxing on a person. You also mentioned suicide and depression which a therapist might be able to help with (even if it's just a person to consult with so you don't get that down again, or having someone who can reason with you). Things do get better (generally, if allowed to) but having a network of people to lean on (friends who are interested in similar things, or a therapist, or both) can be super helpful for providing a more immediate perspective on things.
I realized that after a while, sorry for all that ultraventing. But yeah, music is something I’m passionate about, it’s just that I kind of don’t feel like I’m able to learn the guitar anymore, I’ve been trying on and off for about a year now but still no progress. I’ve scheduled a therapist, not that I’m very confident that it’ll help though. I dropped out of college and am currently studying for admission in another one now, so my social life is null, still have my cousins, I guess... Thanks and I hope to be more reasonable and productive soon.
It's alright to vent sometimes. Having a therapist might help (though I certainly understand not trusting one- I have very little trust in psychologists or people in that field, but I assume that's because I've seen two and both had no idea how to deal with or understand me.) Guitar is awesome! I just started learning this semester, and once I got the basics down it has turned into a fun, yet educational thing to relax with. You can search online for music to practice (like songs you are fond of) and those are frequently free. You could also try transcribing songs from ear to TAB (or to the staff) as a way of getting free music to practice (or just practice with music in general). You could also record yourself practicing maybe once or twice a month (though you probably ought to practice more frequently if you're able) and then you can look back after a few months and see how much you've improved. It might also help with spotting ways to improve technique. Good luck on getting into another college. Social life can also be random conversations on the internet. I hope I helped some, and if you ever need someone to talk to, who you don't know in real life, I'm usually online and available. Good luck with productivity and reason!
