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Fearful of the future

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by love dont judge, May 10, 2017.

  1. love dont judge

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2014
    Messages:
    245
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    24
    Location:
    Lost in the storm clouds
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So, I think I'm finally starting to accept myself. I've known this for close to 4 years now. I'm fighting the doubt constantly, but I'm pretty sure I'm well on my way to accepting myself. My only problem now? The future.

    I'm fearful of what it holds. I'm a planner. Already at 16, I've figured out what careers I want to possibly pursue and have decided on majors that will give me options for all of them. Ive looked into colleges, trying to figure out where I'll be spending my early 20s, where I'll be transitioning. I like to know how things will work out. But this... it's uncharted waters. I don't know how it'll turn out, and that scares me. I don't know if I'll be able to have friends who will accept me, I don't know if Ill ever find a person who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. I don't know if I'll be ridiculed by colleagues and made a mockery of. I don't even know what I'll look like in 10 years. I dont know how well I'll pass or anything. And it's the unknown that holds me back.

    It stops me from facing my fear because even though its negative, it's known. The fear of what happens after I come out, after I vocalise it, after I begin to become myself, it's something that i know, that I've come to live with. Also is the pain that all this brings. It's crippling, and pushes me to the edge daily, but I've been dealing with it on my own since I was 12. I don't know where to go from here.

    It's the fear that holds me back, and yet with each passing day I grow more afraid of what will happen if I wait longer. I grow afraid that I'll never pass, that I'll be stuck in between forever, like I am now. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll never make it to my 20th birthday.
    I guess this was just a long rant, and I'm not really asking for anything, but maybe some advice? Or stories, I don't care. I'm just feeling completely alone and I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
     
  2. BradThePug

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    6,573
    Likes Received:
    288
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think that to some degree that we are all scared for what the future holds. Being transgender just adds another layer to it for us really. You are really in that frustrating in-between period right now. The best that you can do for now is to plan for the future, You can look at schools that are LGBT inclusive. You can research therapy clinics around those schools, or you can see if the school has a gender therapist that you would be able to access. The most important thing is to do as well as you can in school. How you are feeling may make that hard, but the better that you do in school, the more scholarships that you can get. That's another thing, I would research scholarships that are for LGBT people. There are a lot of them out there, and they even can be by major.

    When it comes to being able to pass, that is something that you really won't be able to know until you get further in transition. You probably won't pass at first, and that is ok. There is a learning curve when it comes to learning the social norms of your "new" gender. Are things going to be hard? Probably. But that is a reality that we really all have to learn to live with. It also take a bit to get access to hormones, and for them to work. That is ok too. It is easy to try to rush to transition, but sometimes that is not for the best. It is really important to be able to understand ourselves before going through with transition. Otherwise, the changes that hormone therapy change can be very jarring. This is also why therapy throughout the process is important.

    I went into college as a scared female person named Ashley, who at the time identified only as bisexual. by the end of my 5 year college stint, I was Brad, and had been on hormones for 2 years. There was a lot that went on for me while I was in college. A week after I fully came out as transgender to everybody, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I almost put off my transition to handle her care, but she did not want me to do that. I also dealt with multiple stalking situations and ended up in a couple of emotionally abusive situations. I say all of this not to scare you, but to instead to encourage you. It may seem like you won't make it until your 20. I said the same thing when I was your age, but I'm still around and still fighting, even though I have been through so much. I've learned to use despair as a motivator. When I am feeling that way, I know that I need to make a change. It allows me to look and see what is going on. Even if I cannot change it, I can try to take steps to make it easier to live with.

    Are there small changes that you can make in the meantime that would make you feel better? Sometimes, even the smallest things can have a huge impact when you are feeling this way. I remember when I bought boxer briefs for the first time. I felt so much better about myself, even though nobody else could see what I was wearing.

    You've already been through a lot realizing that you are transgender. If you can make it through that, then you can make it through anything. The times may seem dark, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is a long tunnel. There were some days that I really was just happy I made it through the day. Breaking things down into smaller goals is something that helps me a lot. You will someday be able to live as the female person that you really are, and you will see that all the fighting that you have had to do for that is worth it.