I'm 27 and for 27 years I've been male although I don't know if I ever thought of myself as a guy but just as a person if that makes any sense. Ever since 7th/8th grade I always felt different, I never really saw gender and I think I even had what you could call romantic crushes on guys in 8th grade. But it wasn't until late last year (September/October 2016) that I thought I figured out why I felt so different, I realized that I think I'm asexual or at least somewhat. I actually became happier things started looking up for a change but then in December 2016, things started going downhill for me mentally. I was becoming depressed but didn't seek help until February of this year. I became confused about my sexuality and opening up to my therapist seemed to help. I thought I must be pan-romantic asexual. I started antidepressants in March after a visit to a doctor, they've helped with my anxiety but mixed results for my depression. Over the course of April, I began to question my gender at first thinking I'm non-binary because I didn't want to be viewed as a typical guy but I didn't necessarily want to be viewed as a girl either. Then I began to think I was genderfluid because as I said to one of my friends, at times I wanted to be "one of the guys" and other times "one of the girls." But theses past two weeks, I've been thinking about pronouns and an array of things. I ended up painting my nails and really liked it. I liked that it made my already feminine hands look like girl hands. My sisters and parents thought it was weird and to be honest, it's hard to say why I did it but I did. My one sister actually asked me if I was becoming like Caitlyn Jenner, I replied something like "oh no" or "god no" but deep down my sister's question just stood out, did I want to become a girl? Yesterday and today is when things really started becoming weird for me when I suddenly wondered if I'm transgender, if I really want to become a girl. I cried so much today because I was so confused. I cried more than I've ever cried before. I think I was experiencing dysphoria today. Part of me wanted my male genitalia to go away and part of me didn't. And weirdest of all I was having like these phantom pains on my chest where breasts would be if I was a girl. It was as if my mind was saying something was missing. I eventually calmed down later in the day and felt more at ease after I thought of ways to be more feminine without thinking about transitioning. But now I'm here writing this because not too long ago I was thinking how happy I might be as a woman. I started looking up before and after hormone therapy videos and how happy they all looked afterward. It made me feel so happy but is also freaking me out. I had lurked around here a few times but tonight, I finally had to create an account and just write this out, I don't know what to do or what's going on. I feel like everything is just happening so fast, it doesn't make any sense. I'm wondering now if I had these feelings all along and just repressed them like I repressed my sexuality (I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools from K-12 so I've probably repressed a lot of things....) I was even thinking about a new gender neutral name today. I don't even know if any of this makes sense or if I'm just going crazy. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish writing this all out either. I'm so lost...sorry for such a long post, it's probably all over the place too as my mind is kind of racing right now with all these thoughts :/
