Very confused!

Hi everyone. I am new to this forum I have been thinking recently that I need share how I feel as I am feeling very confused and have never shared anything like this before. This is easily the hardest thing I have ever done and if I get anything wrong or say something I don’t mean too. I know everyone is different and that is fine so please be kind and if anyone can relate or nor relate to the things I have said please comment.

I am 24 years old and was born a male, and have lived that way for my entire life, but there are always these times when I feel different and I have always just told myself I am being silly and that it will pass, but then I see stories on TV or online and I feel I can relate to some of the things but not all of it. Here is how I feel and my thoughts.

Sometimes I feel feminine, like I want to dress in female clothes. I have only done this very occasionally in the past (in private and not properly), as I am really scared of anyone finding out or being judged so then I stop, but at some point in future, I get that feeling again. I don’t feel like this all the time, and most of my time I just wear a t-shirt and tracksuit trousers or jeans. I also wear a lot of clothing appropriate for what I am doing. For example a lot of the time at work I wear field gear for working outside and when I do my sport, again I have kit that I am totally fine wearing. But when it comes to dressing for the office (trousers and shirt), I really hate it. It makes me feel so uncomfortable, and I much prefer the days when I can avoid wearing it.

I do feel body dysmorphia some of the time, although I have only recently come across the term. I hate looking at photos of myself unless it was a particular occasion that I enjoyed and then I see the emotions that I was feeling at the time, rather than focusing on me. I also do not like looking in the mirror, and if I do I usually just end up pulling faces without realising it. It was only the other day I actually focused on myself, and it just doesn’t feel like me, if that makes any sense. I do not have an image in my mind of what I think I look like, or how I would appear in a reflection, but it feels really weird looking at myself, sometimes more so than others. There are some parts of my body that I really don’t like, but there are other parts that I actually quite like.

I have had dreams and thoughts about being the other sex, including actually going through a transition. I only have them some of the time, but they are easy to remember, and I do sometimes wish I had breasts or was a girl. If I magically woke up one day as a girl I wouldn’t be disappointed, but again I feel like there is no way I could go through a transition as it has never felt anywhere near as strong as the people’s stories who have done it, and both my health and my hobbies are much too important and rely on the body I have now.

I know that all probably sounds like transgender, but its not like I grew up thinking that I am the wrong sex, and have experienced that absolute need and certainty that many transgendered people have. Also most of my hobbies are very male orientated and I never feel like I need to partake in girly things, although I am happy to do pretty much anything. If I was given the choice, I may do these activities but with society as it is I have always avoided certain things in case people judge me, although I do know that my normal hobbies which involve sport and specifically competition (either against people or myself) is what gets me through the days. It confuses me that different genders do different activities as I just do what I enjoy doing, but maybe I am subconsciously doing masculine hobbies, even though I know it is perfectly acceptable if girls want to do them too.

In addition to sometimes feeling feminine and like I want to dress up, there are times when I like not giving any thought to my appearance and just enjoy engaging in my sport or whatever I am doing and like thinking about how much I am able to achieve with the effort of exercising and keeping my body in a good shape to be able to do what I want to do (I am not very muscularly, but I am not skinny either). The desire to get stronger and fitter is more from what I want to achieve rather than doing it for looks, although I don’t mind seeing muscle gain as it kind of shows that hard work pays off. Again I don’t know if this is specifically a masculine thing or just what we are used to being told.

I have also never thought about pronouns, and I know from reading this is a big point for some people, but I never feel like this would be something that bothers me personally.

I think what bothers me most though is how I can feel conscious about how I interact with people. Normally I just act as I normally would, but then there are times when people either say things to me or about me or I see myself on a video and then it makes me really self-conscious as I then notice it. One of the things that bothers me is I’ve heard people say I am effeminate, but in my mind I don’t feel like acted that way, but when I look back on it I can see where they are coming from. I don’t know why this bothered me more than it should, but I think there is pressure from society that as a male I should act masculine and I feel like I am being judged even if they weren’t saying it negatively but why would they point it out otherwise? The other thing is people have thought and then asked me if I am gay, and whilst there is nothing wrong with being gay, it makes me feel uncomfortable as I know very clearly that I am not and I am sexually attracted to girls, but it is the feeling that people are presuming things about me which are wrong which makes me nervous about how I behave in order to not try to get these comments or thoughts.

I have found relationships really difficult, and never had a serious relationship, and I think the biggest thing why is that I feel really self-conscious about not conforming to being manly and when I don’t like my body it can be really difficult to see how someone else would like me. This is so contradictory as I am really attracted to girls but I see myself either somewhere in the middle or really confused. I like looking at girls like any normal person, but I also look at an attractive person and can have feelings of wanting to be them at the same time. I know that sounds super weird and it can be difficult.

I guess I have feelings of transgender but at the same time I do not feel completely that way, although I am not really sure what masculinity is whereas femininity seems easier to identify. It could be that I just don’t notice the masculine as much as they are just more ‘normal’ as they don’t stand out as different. It is really confusing as I live doing male things but somewhere in the back of my mind there is always this thought about what gender I feel like and I can only describe it as something that feels like a 30% male/ 70% female split (although this can vary) even though it doesn’t match my outer body or behaviour. At other times I don’t see myself as any gender. If I was given the choice about getting a body magically and have whatever I wanted I think I would choose female but I would still be attracted to female. If society was different then maybe I would wish for something as a more mixed gender but I am really not sure on that. I wish this wasn’t the case but I have had these thoughts since I was at least 17 (although I cannot think of them before that) and it is only thanks to the increasing network and awareness that I have actually decided to sit down and think about it rather than burying it and waiting for it to resurface months later.

I am not sure if any of this sounds like transgender, genderfluid or anything else, but to know if there is anyone out there with similar thoughts would be very relieving. I would love to be able to fit in a group and have a name for how I feel, but I really do not want to do it for the sake of it and it wouldn’t feel right if it is not how other people from that group feel.

It feels like a huge relief to have written this and I hope that some people will read it. I wish I could know and be myself more and I certainly admire and respect all the people who have and are pushing beliefs and fighting for rights so that one day I might feel comfortable, you have certainly got me thinking even if it has been hard.

 

I am glad you agree about looking at youself as I sometimes find it really scary. I don't actually know what I expect or want to see looking back so I understand if you don't want to be a guy either.

I hope we both find a suitable description. I know it helped me so much when I was getting fatigued and didn't know why. Once I had a name I could say, right I have x, now lets work on making it better and I have. I just hope that it is the same with this.