I'm happy with my transition don't get me wrong I'm happy with my voice don't get me wrong It's just for me i don't feel like i like the way i look still and i'm 4 months on T and my face has changed but i'm not happy happy not completely i still feel like everyone still see's me as a female and it upsets me. I'm taking the gels so it's slower and i understand that but even on shots i'd probably feel the same. I'm okay with my "Slight" personality shift, it's more me but i do feel like apart of my hyperness was taken? And i don't like that part but i do like most the results i got what i wanted out of it like the voice change and male shoulders i have thicker skin and over all it's great results. It's just not the ideal results and to be honest i sometimes debate weather or not it's worth my time to continue and if i have the results i want should i just keep them? problem is...i'd get somethings back i don't want and somethings i do the only things i'd keep is the voice change and well that makes me sad. So i'm at ends meet i'm lost and i don't have a clue what i want for myself at this point at least not completely. Don't get me wrong i'm not "depressed" i'm just thinking about the future and the next steps and im lost i need advice or questions or hell i don't care if someone told me their problems i just want to figure this out and i don't even know how to ask or what to ask for i just know i need help. And i know there are a lot of pre T here so please don't see this and be scared of "Detransitioning" Look, this is about me and what i want for my own life and i don't regret anything, i don't even know if i would it's not a bad thing either if i did or if i didn't. It's just me finding where i fit into the world.
I don't have personal experience with HRT, but everyone makes their own decisions and has their own path in terms of pacing and adjusting mentally... if you feel you need to pause or detransition slightly to reexamine yourself, there's always the ability to start up again later. Or, if you're just having self doubts because you think everyone still sees you as the wrong gender and it's not worth the grief and confusion... maybe you still just need more time to adjust to that as well. I've known friends before who say it's not uncommon to worry that people still see you as the old gender even when they're well into passing... because you lived a long period of your life that way and it takes time for even your own brain to catch up to the adjustments... if you feel like this is just all very anticlimactic and not what you imagined then it's okay if all you need is time to find peace in yourself along the way. I think it's human nature to look for the big answers or the Aha! Moments in life that will give us all the answers, but it's never really like that. It's more like, finding a piece to the puzzle, getting a little closer and getting excited, backtracking and getting confused again, thinking the piece could maybe fit somewhere else too, then finding another piece but it doesn't fit on the same part of the puzzle we're working on so then we have to wait in order to know where it fits, etc. ....hang in there, I wish you the best.
Gel is NOT known to produce slower results. It provides the same blood level results and same speed of changes in general. What is different is how people respond individually to T. Some are slow. At 4 months, the changes usually aren't that dramatic. For everything I've seen, the major changes happen at 1-3 years.
The thing with testosterone is that it's gonna turn you into a guy, but not necessarily a super hot, super masculine guy. Especially not in four months. It took my about a year on T to even notice changes in my facial structure and yes it was frustrating but that's unfortunately how it is for some transguys. If you honestly feel like nothing major has happened to far you should set up a doctor's appointment to check your T levels. If your levels are fine you might just have to be patient, which is obviously easier said than done. If you feel like T is a "waste of time" you might want to get of T and evaluate your feelings a bit more before continuing.
I don't think that it's a waste of time I just don't know exactly what direction I want to go in or for how long in my path of life. Also my way of thinking tends to be extremely different from a lot of people and it's cause a lot of questioning. I wouldn't say I'm unhappy and I definitely wouldn't say that I regret going this path into transitioning. although my next appointment with my endocrinologist is my blood level testing and this will be the first one I think that'll help a lot of my fears and possibly give me a good idea of where my levels are so I can decide if I want to go up and medication or stay where I am. The concern that I have is more a part of me is not a hundred percent a guy I just never felt comfortable with other labels and I always hated having to explain to everybody on a daily basis my non-binary side so I just never did. I think it's that part of me that's making me question occasionally. and one of the hardest things for me is when I feel a certain way on a certain day that might be different than other days although I'm more happy having others adress me as male then I would be having others adress me as female. I was uncomfortable being seen as female and it always made me uncomfortable. I'm more happy being seen as male but I also occasionally get very sad because a part of me wants both and I often don't feel like I can have both even though that probably isn't necessarily true (I guess some would argue) although that is how my brain sees it at the moment and it's a struggle to not see it like that. I think what I was trying to describe last night was the stages of the in-between where my brain doesn't really know what I want or where I want to go but at the same time I'm happy exactly where I am on the path im taking. it's just that small part of me that's going what if I don't want this or don't want that or what if I don't want to do this or that I can't really describe everything in a couple sentences that would take me a book to explain, although I wish I could make it more simple for others to get where I'm trying to go I just don't know how to put it. I don't really know what I'm looking for for help I just know that I'm looking. it's almost like I want to find a solution when in reality there's probably only a couple options i feel always and "Stuck in the inbetween" ---------- Post added 14th May 2017 at 03:01 PM ---------- I think you describe that pretty well I'm not feeling all of that but I'm definitely feeling some of that . I think I need more time to adjust and I think my brain needs to come to the understanding that I am a guy or at least part of me. but with all of that time that it took people to explain to me how my life should be and how everything should work and all the well you know negative people well I guess it kind of made me really confused I'm still defusing all of that . I am definitely not going to detransition not completely or at least I would hope I wouldn't detransition completely. I think in the end that would take away too many positives i'd rather have a few negatives then all negative. I think it's mostly just a matter of me processing everything trying to understand what's going on although I can't say that I won't look for the answer I wish I could say otherwise but I would be lying to you. my brain is always been the Curious type where it has to look for the answer and if it can't find the answer then it will continue looking until the day that i'm dead. It might not be the ideal thing but I can't really stop it from happening I've tried and stopping that from happening would feel like I'm taking away part of my personality so I wouldn't want to do that anyways . I'll probably be always looking for an answer whether That answer and that wrong or white it doesn't matter to me as long as I find something that makes sense and if somebody in the future has to explain to me that whatever I have found is completely incorrect then so be it that's fine . I just want to know why and I've always been that kind of person . Plus if the end result is that I find something that at least makes me comfortable or makes me able to understand myself a little bit more whether that answer is completely right or wrong at least I could help somebody else maybe, or maybe not. Either way ^_^; i just want to be comfortable for once in my life that's all i want from the world really. But thank you your advice did help me.
