This is kind of a thread, more of a musing. So, have chilled out about my gender recently, I'm not spending hours on how to pass, what makeup I'll choose, how to shape body, hair, expressions etc. etc. Not out yes, but still. I noticed things like I began to go off my flannel, metal shirts, darker fashion, boots etc, because they wouldn't help me pass. After some introspection, I sat down and told myself that wanting to transition is about making me more comfortable, not having to wear a different kind of mask. I don't like dresses (well, most dresses *eyes up celtic and gothic dresses*). I don't like high heels. I do love my flannel, my heavy taste in music, my love of history and all things nerdy. Trans is about being coming closer to who we are. It is not who we are. We are not trans, we are souls who love anything and/or everything on this planet. I am a sceptical, spiritual, vegan, procrastinating, know-it-all, athletic, left-wing, work-in-progress history nerd. A wannabe healer. A wannabe poet. A wannabe musician. Dabbler in fiction. Some genetic cross between a hippie and a metalhead. I live in a beautiful closet and dream of seeing the world spreading awesomeness and well-being. Trans is not my identity. It is my gender. I am not willing to reshape myself to suit society standards. Just a reminder to all of us to not change ourselves to fit our trans identities so much that we lose our expression of who we are. Gender expression is to make us feel comfortable as much as passing is. Peace, hope, love, and awesomeness.
To me being trans is a birth defect, a biological incongruity in brain wiring saying that there is an issue with the body and/or genitals. Clothes, fashion, social aspects, much of that stuff is arbitrary because when you're by yourself, naked and alone that's where you can evaluate your body for what it is. The rest comes after, because people adopt all sorts of behaviours and traits regardless of sex. To me, over analyzing over gender, obsessing with it or worshipping it is akin to being obsessed with your eye, or your arm, or your leg. They are a component of a person, but not the substance. If you lose an arm, you aren't losing yourself, you're still a full person. If you lose a leg, you may want to correct that, but legless or not you're still a full human being. I personally feel people put waaaaay too much stock into 'identity', and it drives them mental. All too often people turn themselves into something they think they want or ideologically they see; not what or who they really are. We cannot really change how we are born, we cannot really change in what manner we die, so be glad for the day at hand and get through it a step at a time; even if that means making hard decisions. Transitioning can attempt to fix the outside, the body; but it does not fix the inside, the heart.
Mhm *nods in agreement* Yeah I think you have to weigh the costs and benefits. Trying to fit into your gender, be it the one under clothes or the one in the head can generate way more costs than benefits. Ultimately, what it all is about is 1. being yourself without trying to meet others' gendered expectations 2. making it easier for yourself by having an outward expression more representative of yourself 3. feeling at peace with yourself (body, expression). So all about being more at ease. Not about trying to fit in. I like fashion and feminine clothes, lol. Not high heels, but nevertheless... The conclusion I've arrived at is that I frequently dress without paying attention to what I wear or having any particular idea in mind, and that's the "baseline" which happens to be half of the time or so, so I changed those clothes to masculine. I still wear girl clothing. I just buy the pieces I really like and wear them when I have the mood to. Because I like the social effect of wearing masculine clothes. I prefer to pass for a tomboy, because I like to hang out with guys as "one of the guys" and it helps with that. But clothes have as much impact as other behaviour on how we are with others, is a behaviour. That's how far I'm going with trying to pass. No compromising interests (mine are all over the place when it comes to stereotypes) or fashion taste or dating guys. Keep it up *fellow rocker waves hand*
Maybe top surgery and haircut but I refuse to accept that hormones validate me as a man. I just hope my future partner will understand why I look like a lesbian. Without breasts (after surgery later on)
I would be a lie if i said i had never taken the time in my life while realizing i was trans to try and fit into another box that society wanted me to fit into once again. I did take that path for a while and i wouldn't say i tried really hard because good or bad, probably more bad i'm a huge slacker, and lazy i don't like to put effort into things unless i have encouragement or a reason to do something. And to be a guy wasn't enough for me i need more then just a idea of how a man should look, and eventually i stopped careing about how anyone should look so that went out the window quickly. But for the short time i did attempt to pass i started collecting mens clothing (still do, sometimes i like it but not for the reason someone may assume, it's just comfortable and i still eye "Some" female clothing. (Whatever that means) I wore a packer once and tried to walk around in it then realized if this thing falls out i'm NOT having the embarrassment of that outcome. So, haven't worn one and haven't really done anything to "Pass" i think the most i'm doing is learning male "signs/talk" but i have to to fit into the groups. Passing to me the idea of passing alone has sort of become a "problem" in my eyes and its very contradicting i try to lead people away from that idea and tell them "be you"
I will do anything and I did a lot of stuff. I was thin anyway, but I lost even more weight because I thought my muscle would look more defined. They didn't. It wasn't to pass, but for myself. So I went to body building where I barely thought it could be more than a duty and now I happen to like it. I invested a bunch of money for minoxidil, I perfected my technique of thickening eyebrows with mascara even though I would love to stop being dependent on makeup. I purposefully damaged my voice because damage lowers it. According to behavoiur and style, there are so many things I like, that i will never have to do anything I don't because something from that WILL help me pass.
