White lies and support in the transgender world

I know exactly what you're feeling because I'm one of those few people that actually tell people how it is the problem is not everyone in society is going to be open to that and not everyone is willing to listen.

I say be completely honest and people will probably not like it you might even get kicked off a few places if you're anything like me not saying you are though. Stand your ground because honesty can help somebody else whether they want to listen to it at the time or not and honesty helps better than lies and the way you speak I'm absolutely certain that you already know this.

I think you're frustrated for good reason.
I know for me when I come across people who really don't pass I don't know what type of situation they are in I don't know what their mood is that day so I don't risk telling them unless I feel that they are stable enough and are understanding enough to realize it's not an insult to say what's wrong.

Although sometimes I'm so blunt I say it anyways you probably won't be able to change how people want to hear things that's the problem about being human. I do think it is important to educate people though I can give an example explaining the people and simple ways does kind of pave the way to them understanding but it's not necessarily going to make them mad either it's a very Sly way of getting to the truth. Just tell a person anyone for that matter that medication will be different for everyone changes will be different for everyone some things work more for others and some things don't then leave it at that and allow them to live their lives. I think doing it that way I can create less stress for both sides and you don't have to go into a giant fight or a bunch of details. I've done it the other way but all it ever done is got me ban from sites you can do that if you want I'm just personally over that battle I'm sick of hearing how shitty I am for saying truth. ^.^ let me just get the point and say I completely understand where you're coming from. I also think it's good to say I'm one of those people you're basically talking about when you say meds doesn't make them look much different yeah, that happened to me and people kept trying to lie and tell me otherwise I laugh it off because I know myself and my own face better than they do. I think people just need to learn that it's not something to be depressed over we should be happy that we even have the opportunity to take medication that can even slightly change us if anything. We could be unlucky and not have that opportunity. Sometimes the world forgets what we have I'm not saying that everybody doesn't pass I'm sure some people do I'm sure that hormones for some people work better than others as I said before but either way at least it does something. Try not to get upset too much over what other people do it will just make you more stressed out in your life and it's not fun sitting here every day worrying about other people and how they react to certain situations. You're not there counselor let them do them you do you

 

In the "do I pass" thread here I see a lot of helpful and accurate critiques. And I agree that there is a way to tell someone they don't pass well without coming off as unkind. It is important both to give someone an accurate assessment of where they are now, and also point out what they have going for them. Particularly I like to point out potential or natural facial structures, for example, that would be encouraging.

I'd never want to tell someone they look horrific, however. That is unhelpful and doesn't tell them how they can improve. Instead I think it'd be constructive to tell said person which issues stood out to you that prevented them from passing and what they could do to improve those. Though a lot of passing gets easier when you go on HRT for a while. Even so... Passing is arguably not even that important. The individual's confidence and acceptance of self is more important than fitting a cookie cutter image of what a man or woman is "supposed to" look like. I digress.

My point is, both constructive criticism and accurate, helpful compliments are needed in such discussions.

 

There are a few things to keep in kind with regards to passing, first, knowing that a person is trans can heavily influence our perception of how they look. We automatically search for tells such as facial structure and other details that we associate with the gender a person was assigned at birth. This is something you have to be really careful about before judging another trans person's ability to pass. If you ever look for similar details in cisgender people you will be surprised how many can leave you wondering if they are really trans. This creates another problem with regards to passing, people who are trans, no matter how well they pass will see the features and details that reveal that they are trans when looking in the mirror. They often post in the do I pass threads to help cope with the doubts and dysphoria. While some constructive criticism is fine if it's actually helpful, you have to be really careful about how you rezpond to people that don't pass in your eyes. Your words can have serious effects on that person's ability to feel comfortable in their body later on when they do pass fairly well. I know that the more 'truthful' comments by my family about how I look have severely hurt my confidence in my future ability to pass and they are the words that mKe gender dysphoria so much harder to cope with when I'm trying to move forward. On the other hand, my friends comments after showing a picture gave me some hope that I might pass one day eventhogh I know that they were probably just being sweet.




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I am usually afraid to give my real opinion on sites like this because no one else does so I just don't say anything usually. But yeah I don't think it's very helpful to just be nice if they're not passing. You'll find some places to be much more honest, reddit for instance. On the other hand, I posted in there once and very few people said I passed at all and yet I was passing a vast majority of the time irl so perhaps they are a bit too critical on there.

I think we should be honest with each other without being harsh. Why even ask if you don't want to know the real answer?

 

If someone doesn't pass, I don't exactly say" you don't pass", but I do compliment on what the person does right or if they have a good feature I give the assurance about it. I also enjoy giving tips and pointers if I can.
The last thing I or anyone wants is to let someone down.. it's part of being human.. But I agree it gets too over the top when you tell someone they pass when they obviously have something that gives off a red flag. That person could end up thinking there is nothing to change and could end up getting mixed feelings when people still don't give the right pronouns or something... People should be more aware of this.. Like, yeah, we don't want to upset people but if they don't pass.. you got to say something about it. It could help them greatly if someone could point out the flaw and give advice. Like Patrick said, there's got to be a way to tell someone without being harsh, and there totally is, and in so many different ways if you stop to think about what you're going to say.

 

There's a lot of coddling in general in the LGBTQ community. I tend to try and be honest with people, without coming across as malicious. People often think I'm an asshole anyways, but if everybody is just coddling you all the time, you don't grow stronger.

 

People come from different countries, where the standard look of ''male'' and ''female'' can be different. As an example, if a transman has long hair, I'll probably read him as male because I see quite a lot of men with long hair where I'm from and its generally not seen as ''weird''. However, some countries it might be ''weird'' for a man to have long hair or might be very uncommon, and might read him as female.

Also, people can often switch gender in their head. So if a person tells you they are male then you might ''pass'' them as male, even if to a stranger they'd read as female. As humans, our subconscious categorizes things based on things we consciously recognizes, because otherwise processing every new thing we see would be very draining on our brain. So most people use the categories ''male'' and ''female'', and the brain is trying to categories how these genders will look. As an example, think back 70 years ago. A woman with short hair and wearing trousers would have probably been read as male. Now we'd read her as female. We redefine what we see as ''male'' or ''female'' based on these changing norms.

 

I know I at least look generally andro right now since half the time guys in the restroom think they walked into the wrong one. I've started trying to use the staff restroom in the back of the store when I can so I don't keep confusing people.