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My family won't use the right name.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by nightowl88, May 21, 2017.

  1. nightowl88

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    I've been very lucky with my family accepting me and they are all great with it but there are certain things that are starting to get to me. The biggest thing is my name. My dad and stepmom are great with trying and will introduce me to people always with my male name and pronouns. My mom in the other hand isn't so great. She has struggled a lot with me coming out because I was her only daughter and now she says she is very accepting and everything but she hasn't improved. It's not a huge deal when we are at home but when we are in public it drives me nuts. She just got married to a great guy yesterday and I had to meet a lot of people. I was dressed to match my brothers in pants and a shirt and I looked like a boy and passed great accept that every person I was introduced to my mom used my birth name and female pronouns. Then today we were playing mini golf and a young kid came up to play with us because he had no one to play with. He was referring to me as a boy and I was really happy then my mom corrected him and told him I was a girl. I don't know what to do anymore. She has heard me introduce myself so many times with my name and she knows I hate being called a girl but she won't listen to me. Since she doesn't call me by my name my brothers have decided they don't have to and so all the people at school who give me crap about being fake and just looking for attention use that to get at me because I still answer to my birth name since my mom won't call me anything else. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. EverDeer

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    Honestly, this might sound hard, but sometimes people lose belief, or have doubt about what a difference it makes because it's been 1 way for so long. It might be hard, but you really need to stand up for yourself. It's such an awful feeling when you have to be embarrassed like that, when you have to correct your own parent which then confuses a stranger... it's hard to be your own ambassador when you don't deserve that, you don't deserve to have to fight just to exist, especially at your age when adults probably still don't take you seriously, so if you correct someone, they're likely to just still listen to your parents instead. But, your brothers are turning back because they trust your mom's word over yours. I'd say you should start with them, and try and get them to listen first before her. Then perhaps when she sees everyone else around her doing differently, she will realize what a big difference it means to you. Stay strong, keep reminding her this is who you've -been- not just who you've suddenly become... if they've already expressed that they want to accept you, sometimes they just need reminding since they're not living it like you are. Or, risk going back into the closet until it's easier for you to stand your ground.. you shouldn't feel guilty about being yourself. If you don't have the strength to keep passively fighting her, then maybe just stop responding to your birthname around the house and ignore her until she catches on. It really depends on your guys' relationship... if you know she's doing it to passively fight you, or if she's just genuinely having a hard time adjusting and needs reminded often, good luck to you.
     
  3. Zoneingout

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    That flashed me back to my own life I have had a very similar experience. I've even had something like that happen to me while I was also playing mini-golf funny enough. How long has it been since you've told your mother? And have you tried educating your mother on the subject bye giving her YouTube videos or website links explaining what it is like for people like us?
     
  4. nightowl88

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    I told my mom over a year ago and I'm fully out everywhere so she hears my name all the time from friends and other family. She will be talking to my teachers and they will be using the right name and pronouns then she still refuses. I've sent her links to things and tried explaining it myself she isn't listening to me.
     
  5. Zoneingout

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    Something someone once told me is family isn't always blood. If possible you might want to hear me say a different thing but the reality is I would be lying. If your mother does not want to listen or to try and it's been around a year then he's probably not going to. Your best bet is the talk to your brothers and your sisters and explain to them why it's important for them to call you by the correct pronouns do the same with your friends. As for your mother unless you can get someone who is close to her to get it through her head there isn't much you can do. When it comes to the bullies there isn't much you can do about them either except continue to educate and most of all stand up for yourself. They'll eventually back down when you stand up for yourself. You're always going to run across people who don't agree with you we often times as people say we understand but in reality it takes a while to sink in. Give it some time you'll eventually find people who do accept you as you and who listen and use the correct pronouns.
    But at the same time it's impossible to force people to do something and sometimes it takes a very long time for people to realize they can't control others that isn't just for you to understand that's for your bullies to also understand, because they can't change you just like you can't change them people have to do things and learn things for themselves.

    It took my mother 2 years it's still continuing there hasn't been a day where she hasn't made a mistake on my pronouns. The excuse for my mother with sticking my pronouns has continued with I've known you for so long I don't mean too. I'm sure to some degree she doesn't mean to but at this point in my life it's pretty ridiculous that it's continued for 2 years and she still hasn't got it through her head that she needs to use the correct pronouns. Parents tend to go through phases of denial because they don't know how to cope or what to do
     
  6. Hunter8

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    First off, OP, I will not say I know how you feel because I have not lived out a transgender experience. So you can take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt. I understand it must be frustrating that your family has a hard time calling you by a new name and referring to you as a different gender than they are used to. But I really would urge you to do your very best to be patient with them. It may be hard for family members to call you by a new name and think of you as the opposite gender. In many ways, such a change for them may feel like they are supposed to just discard the YOU that they've known all their lives and accept someone new who they are unfamiliar with. I know you're still the same person, and they will realize that too in time. But for them, it may feel like accepting a new YOU means grieving the old one. It may even feel like a part of you has passed to them. Know that if this is the case, their feelings really are coming from a place of love for you.

    You must've always known that you were a boy on the inside. So for you, adjusting to that new reality outwardly comes pretty easily. But your family and friends have only ever known you as a girl, and they have not had as much time as you have had to prepare for the transition. Give them some grace and allow them time to adjust. In that process (which may be difficult for all parties involved), their love for you will remain unchanging and as strong as ever. You keep loving them, and let them keep loving you. You all may not love perfectly, but you don't have to. Just LOVE.
     
    #6 Hunter8, May 21, 2017
    Last edited: May 21, 2017
  7. Rickystarr

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    You should be patient, but if it's been a year and your mom is the only one with the issue, clearly she is not even trying. My mom mostly got it within maybe 5 months (and that is with me seeing her once a week) and even that seemed too slow for me lol. At first it seemed like she wasn't really trying either, but I finally had to confront her about how serious it was especially when she misgenders me in public because she is outing me every time she does that and could potentially be putting me in danger and how I really need her support. She eventually got it once she realized how serious it was.

    And I'm baffled that your mom claims to be supportive and yet intentionally misgenders you and will even correct people who get it right. Just because she hasn't disowned you that doesn't mean she is being supportive.
     
    #7 Rickystarr, May 22, 2017
    Last edited: May 22, 2017