2 nights ago, I had a dream in which I cried my heart out because I wasn't a girl (kind of). In the dream I fell in love with a straight man, and I was ultimately rejected for being gay. I woke up with a lot of anxiety, performing compulsions such as looking up when trans people realised it and stuff like that. Before this, I HAD NEVER EVER HAD DOUBTS ABOUT EITHER MY GENDER OR BODY. I've been exposed to transexuality (example: watched videos of people transitioning in the past and never felt aroused). A couple days ago I was pretty much confident about my gender and now it's all a mess. I don't want a sex change, I think about it and makes me sick. I want to stay a boy. But on the inside, I am somewhat girly. In the movies, it's more likely that I connect better with female characters, in imagination games, I'm more attached to girls than boys. I feel like I don't fit in the "men category". A girly category would suit me better (as for personality traits) I love my body, my face. I love being complimented. I love being refered with masculine pronouns (feminine pronouns don't actually bother me either), I love everything about my gender, but I am more girly than boy when it comes to personal traits. I've always wished for me to be a straight man. I once even wished I was born a girl, that way I wouldn't have had to cope with rejection and discrimination. Somewhere down the road, I want to build a family, and I've always wanted to carry my own child, since I suspect I will end up alone for having OCD and not fully accepting myself. In short, I wouldn't mind having been born a girl, but I am a boy and I've always been happy with that fact, up until that dream along with my stupid OCD. I fear I am in denial, but let's be honest, if I had been born a girl my life should've been way easier. This is what's taunting me, making me think that I am somehow a Trans. Reasons I am- -I feel identified with girls (their personality) -Being effeminate,girly -Isolated past events (once tried a bra on, some makeup on...) -Not a man stereotype thing, my masculine side is serene, caring, afectionous and loving -Not being able to answer questions like "would you rather have been born a female?" straightaway -When I watch straight porn, I tend to take the women rol, the actor turns me on Reasons I ain't- -Daydream: I am introduced as either the gay best friend or the boyfriend of the girl, i am not the main character, a seconday one. -I'm not bothered by getting called male -Never been really interested in makeup nor crossdressing -Been exposed to transsexuality stories and never felt aroused emotionally -I like my body. In fact I always wanted to be muscled, just like big men -never question this up until now -I am not disgusted by my body at all -I love when people say i am not that femenine -I don't want to transition. Deep down I feel like I'd be unhappy and a mistake -I have OCD, each time I obsses with sth new my last obssesion goes away. This has happened to me now once again -I've always pictured me being male and a father in the future -I wish for me to carry on like this -When I look up to female characters, I always try to adapt their personalities into my male character. -I reckon I'd have known since forever. This is not like when I was gay that I knew even though I rejected it. This is rather a lot of intrusive thoughts passing through my mind making me wonder myself -I was into masculine stuff as a little kid.(not anymore, tho)
I think you're confusing difficulty accepting that you're gay with traits you associate with femininity. I'm not hearing anything that makes it sound like you have significant dysphoria (which would be the best indicator of being trans as far as I understand it.) I think it's far more likely that it is your OCD talking here.
This is like one of my past obsessions, Schizo OCD. I almost conviced myself I was crazy despite being repeatedly told otherwise. I am constantly holding onto thing that will throw me into a doubtful spiral.
You don't have to have dysphpria for you to be transgender but what it sounds like to me is your getting confused because you're more feminine as a guy which is also completely fine
I certainly think your OCD has something to do with this. I am no doctor, but this is not an unknown occurrence. As others have said, being feminine as a man is no crime and doesn't have to be mixed in with being transgender. Sebby45
Totally. However, my mind ressembles somewhat a girl's (explained above), that's what's bugging me. I should let go of it and accept myself. I will never have a straight personality. ---------- Post added 22nd May 2017 at 10:15 AM ---------- thank you for leaving your thoughts. I think I never informed on any of the issues perfectly well. I believe that, due to the way I was brought up, it's hard for me to digest that I can be a man and feel femenine at the same time. Actually, I've always known it until recently, when I started doubting if that was possible
