I don't know how else to put it, but I am afraid. For the last year or so especially, I have seen other trans-people go forward with their transitions. They keep on and things go well for them. Yet I felt for so long the send of standing still and going nowhere. Simultaneously I hated the monotony of normal life with my family and held to every moment, knowing that one day I wouldn't have that privilege. But now. Now I am on the brink of leaving them. After this summer I will be attending university and beginning my transition. Everything is planned out. It's good, yeah? How can I leave them though. How can I possibly walk out that door and tell my parents I love them and goodbye and then... vanish? Become the anonymous older sibling who "something" happened to but no one will say what. Hurt my father and mother because of who I am. I cannot hold their actions against them. They are good, loving people who are honestly doing what they believe is right. And I am a young man beginning life on his own, trying to do what I believe is right too. It's just that, I guess, our definitions of what is right don't coincide. My kid siblings already express sadness at my intent to move out. They said I have to visit for Christmas. My brother immediately younger said he would be lonely without me, for I am his only friend, and I know this. My dad won't talk about it. See, my actions don't just effect me. They effect the eight other people I live with. Who I am and what I do are events in their lives. What will it mean to them that I am trans? Will I never be able to speak to them again? I already know the answer. I know because I came out to my parents a year ago but it was so bad that we pretend it didn't happen. My mum knows I'm in pain when I have to carry on this charade. She knows that I'm lonely. But I also know she doesn't know how to help me because we're too different and she has so much else to worry about. Hell, I don't know. I've got, what, less than a hundred days left with them. To finally be free to be myself is going to be... amazing. But at what cost? The day I take my first shot of testosterone is the day I cannot see my family any more. How can I live with myself if I choose that?
Probably your parents. But who said you can't stay in touch with your siblings? Maybe they will understand. But yeah, there are some people you won't speak to again. I totally understand you. A few days ago I met some people who I was really close to for the last time. They didn't know what's going on. I figured out that maybe one day I could return without them recognizing me. Maybe you can do so too. But you gotta move on. The worst regrets are those of the things you didn't do. Because yes, it will affect their lifes. But what should it do? You're heading of to college, this is fairly normal. Sometimes distance does a lot more for family issues than stying.
Im an adult and I'm struggling with getting my parents on board. My mom just recently found out I'm out to pretty much everyone. Especially at work. I think she's furious about that. But she needs a dose of reality. I've not gone to a family function in like a year and they know why. And anthracite is right. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I've been on my own for 30 years, and I struggled to come out to mom and dad, both times in fact. but like my dad said the first time I came out, it's my life to live and no one can live it for me. it's the same for you. my second coming out, they're still processing or ignoring, either way I proceed and live my life as the woman I was supposed to be in the first place. yes its hard when our kids leave and start lives on their own, im facing that now, but it does make us so very proud (for me at least) and our sibs will adjust, there's always e-mail, Skype etc. the point is we raise our kids to equip them to go into the world and do what we did, live.
If it is any consolation, I am going through the same turmoil. I want to transition, but I know it will cause a deep breach within my family. One that I am afraid, will never heal. I don't know what to do, and because I love my family so much I am almost positive I will never transition because they mean so much to me. I can't bear the thought of losing them...we have been through so much together. And how would I be able to tell my younger siblings? Just suddenly disappear from their lives. I understand what you are going through. Ultimately the choice is yours, and is up to what you are willing to sacrifice. I hope you find your answer. (*hug*) Sebby
Hi Kodo I may not be the best person to give advice here since I’m not out to anyone (and I’m still figuring things out myself), but, as a general rule in life, it is always better to try to build bridges than walls. Continue to stay in touch with your siblings as much as possible. As they grow into adults they will have more freedom to interact with you rather than having to follow the rules of your parents. Continue to try to maintain close ties with them. You say your parents are “good, loving people,” so don’t give up on them. As others have said, sometime distance helps. Keep them informed of what’s going on in your life (don’t hide things about your transition, but don’t focus solely on that either). Email might be the best option as it gives everyone a little more distance than a phone call or face-to-face talk. Your parents may not respond or may even respond negatively, but try to keep the lines of communication open. Your parents may never fully understand or agree with your transition, but you’d be surprised how people’s hearts can soften over time – especially as they get older and realize they don’t want to leave this life harbouring anger or resentment, especially towards a family member. And, even if they never change, you will know in your heart that you did everything you could and shouldn’t feel guilty that things never worked out.
