So having some time now, I want to clean up my gender issues really. Just end them. When all this time I had identity issues and there was this fragement of a woman remaining in me, I stopped feeling female altogether. This feelong wasn't mine to begin with so it's not like gender really changes. It also gets better when you catch a positive feedback loop. My clothes become increasingly masculine. Not to say it was easy for me. There was a lot of attatchment on the way and a lot of feelings of hurt... I plain avoided looking like a guy for years because of unpleasant feelings it brought up in me - of lifelong jealousy and anger that boys could behave like boys and everyone was fine with it, but when I did there was suddenly something wrong with me. But the positive feedback loop is overwriting it. There are the signs such as not getting madamed or getting told I don't look feminine. But it's just signs. The real deal is much much cooler. Friends ask me if I want to do the same things as the guys and generally speaking don't treat me like a girl. Strangers neither. I broke out of the shell. Cargos and men's trousers help, LOL. A friend of mine whom I told, and who's a cis man / MAAB, shared some insider knowledge that helps somewhat. Namely how to greet like a dude, however funny that sounds. Secret handshake, really. I had no idea... But it's sort of up and down... I dress masc and then I dress fem again... and it goes in circles... I want to come out but can't find the right moment or way to do so. I picked a name, or rather two between which I can't decide or I can just go by both, people have two names frequently. I managed to "transition" my birth name which wasn't easy because you don't get an obvious male counterpart to it or even one that would cross your mind, and which is a relief because I really like my birth name. And I registered on some online forum completely stealth as a dude on an impulse :eusa_doh: Whatever. I guess... I tried tried to be less radical (to be just my gnc self, to just keep it to myself, to just come out to a bunch of people) but plain and simple coming out all the time is a big time annoyance. And explaining who and what I am, when it is so far from what one might deduce from my outside, it's just exhausting. I just want my gender expression to match better who I am so that I won't need to explain myself, I wasn't lucky enough to get it sorted in my teens. I keep on feeling the need for more, or more precisely to pass the threshold when my identity gets noticed. Yeah, once you know the difference... I'm also struggling with guilt about dressing like a man, and I still have some problems with myself, I run into awful nonsencical thought circles, so I set up an appointment with a gender therapist. I somehow have a problem with dealing with something and I need someone knowledgable to take a look probably.
Going to a gender therapist sounds like a good idea. You are obviously having a terrible time sorting things out. I remember getting masculine things and throwing them out because I felt ashamed. I also get into thought loops. What if I am wrong? What if it is a phase? What if I am just confused? When deep down I know the answer (at least for me.) I still feel guilty and ashamed with myself, even though I know I shouldn't be. I hope all goes well with your session and that you will find some peace. Sebby
I don't think it's sorting out, it's rather... I'm not able to deal with this situation. Too many contradictions and too much negativity, I guess... Thanks.
