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Confusing thoughts and feelings

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ClearSkies, May 25, 2017.

  1. ClearSkies

    Regular Member

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    Hello to everyone here in this forum, I am posting here to seek some guidance and advice on confusing thoughts and feelings I have been having in recent months. I'm not sure if I am trans or Genderfluid or not, some of these thoughts certainly point to that, but I am not really 100% sure. What I am 100% sure about is that if you asked me if I was okay about my current gender (male) about half a year back, I would have said that I am okay with being male. However I am slowly becoming unsure now about myself and my gender.

    But before I get to those things in greater detail, I would like to explain a bit about how I think all of this started.

    A long time ago, about 5 or 6 years ago, I got my first ever desire to crossdress. I didn't really understand it, but I was really curious about women's clothing, so when my family was out of the house, (Every Thursday or so) I would look through my sister's closet for dresses to wear. Slowly over a few months I accumulated a big stash of girly clothing to wear when no one was around. I never told anyone (until quite recently, I only told my sister that I liked to wear her dresses, and surprisingly she was totally okay with me wearing her dresses!) about my crossdressing habits, so pretty much everything to do with this had to be kept secret. I really liked wearing those dresses, yet still didn't understand why, completely (if that makes any sense). I thought it was just a part of the "Experimentation" part of Puberty. Nowadays I now know that this was no Puberty thing, this was something different, as the crossdressing habits continued after Puberty. This dress wearing at certain times thing would continue, until about 3 years later, when my family had to completely empty out my room thanks to an infestation of bedbugs. (screw those vampire bugs man) My family found the dresses I was hiding, but they didn't say a word to me about it, they just let it slide.

    After that, I crossdressed rarely, and for the next 2 or 3 years, I started to try out Cosplay. I ended up loving Cosplay as very few people criticize you for crossdressing, if you are doing a Cosplay of a girl character. Cosplay not only allowed me to be more comfortable wearing dresses around people, but it also allowed me to step into the shoes of my favorite characters from videos games. Then something strange started happening. I started dreaming about transforming into girls. These dreams happened quite frequently, at least once a month, and I still have them to this day. I enjoy these dreams quite a bit since a lot of them have a theme of magic (and believe it or not I actually like being a girl in these dreams), but I think these dreams have started to affect me in an unexpected way.

    New feelings have started to come up that I have never felt before, feelings of wanting to be a girl more than a boy, and girly feelings that I didn't get a few months ago. The girly feelings come and go, and I find myself going from being okay about being a boy one day, then I might not be okay about being a boy and would rather be a girl the next day, which might mean I have a bit of a genderfluid thing going on. I don't get what is going on, I am now constantly shifting from being okay with who I am now, to wanting to change myself to a more girly me. Sometimes I would much rather wear women's clothing instead of men's clothing. Sometimes I want to make myself look more like a girl rather than a boy and It confuses me so much.

    I can't exactly go tell my family about all of this, I just don't know how they would feel about it. They are no stranger to me occasionally wearing a dress for cosplay, but they have no idea about my crossdressing desires or habits outside of cosplay, let alone the feelings of wanting to be a girl. I can't get outside help from a therapist or whatever, since that would get a huge red flag in my family, they would know something is up. I have been a boy all my life, and I wouldn't be opposed to becoming trans, but I don't think my family would understand or share the same thoughts on this. I told my sister about this whole thing a little bit, but I was too scared to tell her the whole story. Am I just being too nervous or scared here? I would like to hear what everyone here has to say, anything would help.
     
  2. Chloe123

    Chloe123 Guest

    This is 100% normal. Don't stress. When I started having trans thoughts and feelings a few months ago I was terrified and also very very very VERY confused.
    All I can tell you is be yourself. There's no shame in it. Do what you want and be who you are and don't let other people dictate that for you. Be more confident with your cross dressing. Maybe do it in private if you're not comfortable enough?

    You could also be gender flux. So,thing where you're (like you described) trans one day and cis the next. Give it some time is my advice. And seek some more advise. This forum is great and you came to the right place so use it. But you'll figure it out in the end. I never thought I would but eventually I just accepted it. Anyway. Best wishes and good luck out there :slight_smile:

    Samantha
     
  3. Hunter8

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    I had sort of an interesting situation once too. I've never really had an urge to wear female clothing, and I definitely feel that I am a male. But one year I attended a cosplay event dressed as Link from the Zelda games. I was going to wear a green tunic and some white pantyhose under it. The issue is that for some reason when I got there I couldn't find the pantyhose. So I just wore the green tunic minus the pantyhose. I had some green briefs I wore under it just in case of an incident.

    Needless to say I felt very self-conscious at first. I simply was not used to wearing what amounted to a skirt in public. But after a while it started to feel really good. If it was more mainstream for guys to wear man skirts, I think I would do it. I was asked by a few people if I was gay (and I know that wearing a green tunic should not have prompted that question), and something felt good about it. Traditional heterosexual males probably wouldn't wear anything resembling a skirt, and so a lot of people assumed I wasn't straight. As someone who is predominantly in the closet, it felt good to be somewhat obvious that I was gay.

    I can't say that I have an urge to dress feminine though. I just wish more guys would be comfortable wearing skirts. They are quite comfy as well! Lol
     
    #3 Hunter8, May 25, 2017
    Last edited: May 25, 2017
  4. ClearSkies

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    Thank you so much for the kind words! It is good to know that I am not alone in this, and that I came to the right place for some advice. I will give it some time like you suggested, and maybe I will try to do more cross dressing more often, so I can get more comfortable with it. Again, thank you so much!

    ---------- Post added 26th May 2017 at 12:33 AM ----------

    That is part of what I love about cosplay, you can really wear what you like or substitute some pieces of clothing with others to make things look different or more unique. Definitely agree with how comfy skirts are lol.
     
  5. Chloe123

    Chloe123 Guest



    No problem. Happy to help