All this sexuality stuff is Baffling to me

Hey, first time poster, bear with me. I've just found this site tonight and I kinda need a place to download as I have been struggling with my sexuality, for what seems like faar too long. I'm 23 I'd say I started worry about whether I was gay when I was around 16, didn't worry about it when I was 18 and then have been obsessed with the idea for the past 3 years. I've read a lot of the posts in threads that are similar to mine, trying to figure out shit for myself, but there are a few things with myself that I feel are unique to me, which I'm sure is the case with everyone.
I can honestly say that I am physically and mentally attracted to females, a lot. But on the same token something kinda turns me on about penis's, not the rest of the male body really, just the penis. Now I don't know if I actually enjoy it in person or not, I tried fooling around with a guy around two years ago, and it just didn't do it for me, it was like there was no feeling. I tried to give him head but couldn't really do it, it just wasn't what I'd imagined it would be like, almost like the thought was more arousing than the actual act. He then tried to give me head and like I said there was just no feeling and I couldn't get hard, which is weird because I get hard for anything. Overall it wasn't necessarily a disturbing experience (I told every person I knew what I did the next day) but it wasn't my cup of tea. I don't really feel like I want to be with a guy again.
At the same time sometimes I do feel like maybe I may be in denial and I don't realize it or something. Probably internalized something earlier in life because right now I live pretty close to west hollywood and have a few good friends who are gay, I don't think anyone would really care if I was either, so if I'm in denial its something that was placed in my head earlier.I also should mention I had a thing with drugs and alcohol , I even had a psychotic episode due to ectsacy and acid, when I was sixteen and was placed in a mental hospital for 2 weeks.
Uh lessee oh yea, watching tv and porn whenever a guy and girl get intimate I almost inherently see myself as the girl a lot of the time which is weird (am I trans?) almost as if I feel like I'm the chick when I'm watching it, this started happening recently and kinda weirds me out, cos honestly I don't like it, its very awkward. And when its a woman who's touching her kid I feel like the kid, its very strange.
I have gotten off to gay (bisexual) porn a couple of times, but i'm not really a big fan, I can't do it when its just two men for some reason there has to be a girl there and even then I can only do it when I'm in the mood. My favorite is lesbian porn and then straight blowjob porn.
I identify as a man, I feel like I'm a man, but i just get intrusive thoughts watching intimacy between humans. I don't know maybe its all just denial.
Also when I was sixteen I began to worry that I was attracted to little girls and boys too, but that fear's gone away.
I've talked to a couple of gay friends of mine at different points... they all think I'm not gay, but I don't know if they're right.
I just don't understand, and I've thought about it to the point where I've realized I'll probably never be able to fully comprehend my sexuality.
What are you're guys's thoughts??? I'm open to whatever

 

No i haven't been romantically attracted to a man.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone interesting feedback. I guess I'll just have to deal with being uncertain about it which is hard for me, cos it basically means living in the moment. which is tough. I do count myself lucky that I live in an accepting area, I've always been accepting of different sexualities, hell my dad's a swinger, sure there's a lot of people who still have arguments against LGBT stuff here (mainly with religious basis) but they usually keep to themselves. Yea and the thing about the penis sucking, its almost like I realized the "idea" of it was better than the actual action of it, is that weird?

 

yea I think I could get sexual arousal with someone I'm not romantically attracted to, done it with girls a lot.

I dunno maybe it was the wrong dude, I kinda want to experiment again for the sake of knowing, but at the same time I don't really want to, but I feel like I should

 

Great feedback guys, this is a very supportive group. You all seem like really legit people.

 

Ok, This maybe the longest post written in internet history but after thinking very obsessively and a lot the past few days and the majority of the past 3 years or so I figured I'd type up my life story... It's ok if you don't read the whole thing. Kinda scattered, but it is literally my entire history with sexuality.

Reassessing the situation. Here is my situation. I'm trying to open myself up to the idea that I'm gay, or accept it. Because part of me believes that I may be in denial and I've worried that I've been in denial for a long time. I've read a lot more of the posts on this forum and I can kinda relate to some of the "am I gay?" ones but I personally can't figure it out because maybe I've lived a certain way or in denial for so long that I don't know anything anymore. Here's my story.

Throughout my childhood I had sexual experiences with both sexes first with a girl, then with boys in elementary. My next door neighbor introduced me to doing sexual things with other boys and in turn I tried what he did on me with other kids. I didn't really hang out with girls so there was less chance to do sexual things with them, when I did hang out with them I usually did do sexual things like finger them and such, I was just a very sexual kid I guess. Anyway one day in elementary I was caught with my friend doing a sexual thing and was made kinda bullied for it I think, not much but a little at least, I was also bullied because me and my friends held hands sometimes. I remember at the time, knowing what gay was and not viewing myself as gay, for some reason although that sounds pretty gay to me now. Anyway, my older brother who always hated me and called me a "loser" all the time, one time falsely accused me at staring at his penis while he was taking a piss and labeled me as "gay" from then on. I think I internalized his homophobia because I wanted his validation for a long time.
I also should add that when I was "expirimenting" with other boys one of my friends had a lisp that I adopted. My mom put me in speech therapy and had me correct it (probably was afraid I was gay, although she herself had lesbian experiences). Anyway I did grow up exposed to gay culture, but also most people looked down on it in my neighborhood. I was kind of unaware of the negative stuff somehow though.
I remember that around nine years old I had the experience of my guy friends talking about how they had "girlfriends" and asking if I had one. Not to be left out of the loop I said that I had one (it was a girl that lived in another state that I sometimes saw cos my mom and hers were best friends). They also all talked about this girl that they thought was really hot. I subsequently developed a semi infatuation with that girl as I saw her throughout the school. I then developed a crush on a different girl in my class.
I don't know if these were me "making" myself have crushes to fit in or what, but the second girl was legit from what I remember.

Anyway I started questioning the whole gay thing at about 11 years old, because I started to have these intrusive thoughts of every boy/man I saw being naked. I wouldn't say I was sexually aroused by the thoughts, they scared the crap out of me. Anyway I told my parents I thought I might be gay and ended up going to a psychiatrist who said it was a possibility but I was too young to know and it didn't seem like I was since my main fear about being "gay" had to do with the idea of giving up girls. Anyway i got over it, seemingly. I was pretty open about it too, I told a friend of mine that I once had the idea that I was gay and then realized I wasn't and he had a very weird reaction to it. So I decided not to tell people.

During this time I had transitioned from being a follower to attempting to be a leader, I had followed the older kids around and tried to emulate them but they got annoyed that I followed em everywhere so I started my own social group. The kid I told was one of the friends I had in the group I created. Anyway that is where it became very apparent to me that homosexuality was not a widely accepted thing.

So after this I had around 3 specific "sexual" experiences with other boys, one was me and my friend slapping eachothers asses, I got a boner thinking about showing my dick to a friend of mine and another one where I got semi excited when my friends little brother faked giving me a blowjob. by putting a pillow between his mouth and my crotch. Besides that most all were with girls, and I had some really legitimate sexual attractions with them.
My friends little sister and I got pretty hot and heavy a couple of times (her resting her head on my crotch/me getting a boner/ making out etc.) and a few other girls I did similar things with.

When I first discovered whacking off I had stolen one of my brothers porno's and there was a story about lesbians that reeeeallly turned me on, and I've been hooked on the stuff ever since. In highschool I ended up getting into alcohol and pot and then drugs, it actually helped me get closer to a lot of girls than I had imagined I could, first time I got drunk was the first time I sucked on a tit. Eventually one night I got drunk and felt up this girl who had passed out and whacked off while I did it. Someone saw me do it. But I denied it for a really long time because I felt guilty that I felt up a sleeping girl.

Anyway the drugs and shit finally took its toll and one day (i remember it specifically) the fear that I was gay came back when I was really high, my friends sat next to me in the car and I just didn't want to be near them, I didn't want to touch them where as literally the day before I wouldn't have thought twice. It eventually spiraled out of control, I started thinking "maybe i'm attracted to this guy and I'm just in denial about it" and shit like that, my friends sister would always talk about how "hot" her boyfriend was, and I never saw it until one day I started freaking out and thinking "is he hot?" "do I think he's hot?" and then I was afraid that I had a crush on him (i don't think I actually had one) eventually I lost it one day when I was high on mushrooms and was just screaming "am I gay???" "am I gay???"

Then I went even more out of control and started to believe I was a pedophile, then I did acid and ended up going to a mental hospital because I literally believed that I was a mass murderer who was being punished in some "truman show" like version of hell. The psychiatrist called it "drug induced schizophrenia" it took me a while to get over but I eventually did.

Then I started worrying that it was all a fortelling of some event in the future in which I would gay rape somebody all of a sudden while drunk or something. I got over that too, anyway I ended up kinda snapping out of it when I went to college even though it was still in the back of my head a little and I had sex for the first time, came in around 5 seconds, absolutely LOVED it. So I ended up doing it a lot.
But by this time I had become an alcoholic. Eventually I ended up screwing this girl and I wasn't able to cum, it freaked me out cos I always came early before this, and since then I've had problems coming a lot of the time, unless I let my mind go completely free and not worry about it, which is almost impossible for me to do. I've found out that if the girl talks dirty and acts like a total slut it usually does it for me.

Now I had been completely exposed to homosexuality socially, one of my best friends is gay, I was deep in alcoholism though and eventually went to rehab wherein 14 out of the 16 people there were gay, me and another guy were the only "straight" ones. I was exposed enough to it, but was still afraid. Mainly I was afraid that I would in the future come out, or be gay and that I was in denial. I was afraid that I would eventually find out I was homosexual, and it scared the hell out of me. I was scared that it would completely change me.

When I was drunk, I completely forgot about my fears and felt completely straight, I think that's why I did it so much, but it was not working as well as it used to.

I had a bisexual friend tell me that the reason he was bi was because he liked to suck cock, and subsequently I became afraid that it was what I liked too. I also had gotten to the point where whenever I was around a guy and thinking about this shit, I'd get panicked and think "oh shit, I'm gonna touch him, or make out with him, or grab his package" and it just would freak the hell out of me. That still happens to me when i'm in close quarters with men I actually brace myself a lot of the time and I'm like "oh fuck I'm gonna feel afraid I"m gonna do something to them again" and then i do get afraid, but not until I ask myself whether I'm gonna be afraid or not.

Anyway, I'm sober now, and I did try sucking a guys cock, the idea turns me on but the actual event itself wasn't really my cup of tea. But maybe its because I didn't accept my attraction to it... i don't know. I am extremely "straight" acting, I guess, well no one thinks I"m gay, because I'm a pretty open person about most things and I'm very "real" in most aspects of my life. I've asked gay guys, I"ve told em "you know i've been thinking about whether I'm gay or not" and they'll just say "you're not gay dude" but that's not enough for me, I need a test for this or something.

I can't see myself in a relationship with a guy, but a lot of gays feel that way before they come out. I've been really trying hard to get over this fear, because I"m honestly SICK of worrying about it, but my mind goes a mile a minute and sometimes I can't stop, if its not being gay its something else. I have been in love with a girl, but sometimes I had preformance issues (not with getting hard but cumming) unless she acted like a total slut. Recently I've realized that when watching television whenever a girl makes out with a guy I immediately feel like I'm the girl, and that annoys me, cos everytime I turn on the tv I know its gonna make me uncomfortable.

I have literally tried SO FUCKING hard to accept my sexuality whatever it is, over the past few years. I've tried everything, I just don't know what to do about it though, I obsess literally all the time. I've taken what somebody on this board said they did and tried to put that into practice recently, which was "acting as if" you are gay. Like the past few days I've tried to get off to straight up gay porn and once I really tried and convinced myself its what I wanted I got off to it, but I always end up going back to the lesbian porn and sometimes straight porn. Like the "tabooness" of the gay porn sometimes gets me goin, but its like a one trick pony, doesn't really work all that often. But I dont know maybe I'm just afraid I'll like it too much or something...

I am trying though. The thing is there are points during the day where I think "okay I'm an idiot, I'm definitely straight" but then whenever I wake up I'm afraid that I'm gay again, I have dreams in which I'm literally afraid I'm gay in the dream, no, I"m not doing gay things, I'm just afraid that I'm gay in them. I turn on the tv, and then think "well, for a minute there thought I was straight, but you feel like the girl in this intimate scene so you're obviously gay and in some messed up denial"

Sometimes I get a compulsion to blow myself (which I definitely can't do) and I just dont like it, it annoys me more than anything, thing is I don't know if its something I actually "want" or I more feel the need to do it OCD wise. I've sat in my car and repeated to myself "im gay, i'm gay, i'm gay, I'm gay" for hours to see if that will ease the obsession but it doesnt.

Bottom line, I want to accept my sexuality for whatever it is, but I feel unable to do so, because I don't want to not be able to fuck girls and have relationships with them, I don't want my ex to think I didn't love her on all fronts, because I completely did. But I know they could all handle it if it was the case, I just straight up don't want to be with guys sexually myself or romantically, but maybe I have to.

 

Man thanks for reading that whole thing and replying Filip, that's pretty rad of you to do for some random forum-goer. much respect. I don't know where this path leads but so far this obsessive thinking has done me NO good in any aspect of my life, I'm gonna see a psychologist about it soon. Thanks again for your support.