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Bi? Trans? I need to talk to someone

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by lucky71985, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. lucky71985

    lucky71985 Guest

    I am a married man, I have been with my wife for 9 years. I think I am Bi, but I am not sure. I love to dress in womans clothing. I hate the fact that as men I have very little choice in clothing and I find myself looking at womans clothing and wishing I could wear it all the time. I really want to explore my sexual orientation, but I cannot find help to explore my sexual frustrations. In Logan, Utah there is very little "gay scene" and I sometimes am a little scared about just meeting someone off the internet. I love my wife and do not want that to end, I just would like someone to talk to. How do you know if you are really transgendered? I am starting to wonder if I am. I can identify with both genders it seems, I tend to be more emotional than a man, yet on the other hand I love being a guy. Sometimes I feel like I would like breasts. Anyone else have that feeling?
     
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! I can't say as I've been in the same boat as you, but several other ECers should be able to give you some insight. But I'll ask you a couple extra questions just to see if I can draw a slightly clearer picture. You say you think you might be bisexual. Do you have sexual fantasies involving men? What sorts of things would interest you? Is your wife aware of your cross-dressing, and your other gender/sexual thoughts?

    Lex
     
  3. lucky71985

    lucky71985 Guest

    Yes I do have sexual fantasies about men, I really find that some men are attractive to me. I am not sure what interest's me about this. My wife does not know about my cross dressing (at least I think not) I have been slowly hinting at it though.
     
  4. Lexington

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    Do you think there might be a chance that your wife might be (to some degree) accepting of this? Does she seem the sort to be more accepting of "alternative lifestyles", from what you've seen?

    Lex
     
  5. lucky71985

    lucky71985 Guest

    She is accepting of alternative lifestyles. She has a friend that is openly gay, but I don't know if she would stay with me if I told her about possibly being bi.
     
  6. Lexington

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    That's at least a step in the right direction. :slight_smile: Have you tried wearing women's clothing before?

    Would you mind if I added "Bi? Trans?" to the name of this thread? I think that might get more transgendered people to weigh in.

    Lex
     
  7. lucky71985

    lucky71985 Guest

    Yes I have worn and wear women's clothing before and still do when my wife and kids are not home. Sometimes I do secretly wear panties out. I don't mind at all if you add bi/trans to the thread. The more feedback the better right.
     
  8. zerogravity

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    I'm not sure of the link between cross-dressing and being gay. I'm gay and I have never had the urge to cross dress, like ever. Sounds like a gender orientation thing, or maybe a fetish, but I am no expert.

    I could understand why that might freak a wife out though. I'm not sure meeting gay guys would be of much help, as they would likely just to want to be your gay best friend (at least if you went out dressed up). Again, not sure, the gay community is very diverse!
     
    #8 zerogravity, Apr 19, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2011
  9. lucky71985

    lucky71985 Guest

    I'm not saying there is a link between being gay and crossdressing. I did not mean to imply that. There are straight guys that crossdress. You don't have to be gay to crossdress, I just think that I may be bi, I just would like to experiment more to really find out if I am.
     
  10. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    It seems like you are dealing with a couple of problems at the same time and maybe you should tackle each problem by itself.

    You have the problem that you might be bi. Now, just assume that you are in fact bi. What would that mean for you? Would that mean that you just want to be with a guy every so often or would that mean you don't want to be with your wife anymore? Just trying to see what your goal here is.

    Now, as far as cross-dressing goes. Do you do it because you feel more comfortable as a woman or more as something sexual? If its something more to get off then its just a fetish and nothing else. If you do it because you feel more comfortable that way, then it might its more complex.
     
  11. blairSW

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    Hello There lucky71985,

    My name is Blair, and I am the social work consultant for EC. First off, sexual orientation, gender identity, and sexual desire can be challenging terrain to explore. Some people few these things as interwoven, which complicates the journey. But, as TheEdend explained tackling them individually can help.

    In my practice I work with LGBTQ+ individuals, and have a number of trans identified clients. I'd be more than open to supporting you to explore these various domains of your identity.

    Feel free to PM any time.
     
  12. lucky71985

    lucky71985 Guest

    With being bi, I love my wife and want to stay with her, but I would like to be with a guy every so often.
    With crossdressing I'm not so sure, I love the feeling of being in women's cloths, sometimes it is just to feel sexy, other times I really feel as though I would like to be a women or at least I would like to experience what it is like to be a women. With crossdressing I think it may sometimes be about experiencing sex as a women.
    I know I am babbling a little, I am just not sure.
     
  13. blairSW

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    Again, I extend the invitation to chat with you via PM to explore these questions.
     
  14. Ianthe

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    I think it's worthwhile to point out that your wife might be completely accepting of the crossdressing, and even of your attraction to men, without it necessarily being okay with her for you to actually "be with a guy every so often." I mean, she signed up for monogamy.

    Most people recognize and accept that their partner is going to be attracted to other people, but that doesn't mean that it's okay for their partner to actually go and have sex with that other person. Accepting your bisexuality does not necessarily entail accepting you actually having sex with men.

    So, regarding your wife, I think your biggest challenge isn't getting her to be okay with your attraction to other men, but getting her to agree to an open marriage.

    If she does agree, she will probably expect to be allowed to have other partners as well.

    However, if it seems to her that you can't be satisfied with her, she may conclude that you are actually gay, in which case it would make sense that she might not want to remain married to you.

    I'm sorry that you are struggling, and I hope that you and your wife can make an arrangement that will be fulfilling for both of you.
     
  15. Wolfy

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    You could possibly be Gender Queer.
    Which, is when you feel like one gender, but you also feel like another.

    The best advice I can give you, is to tell your wife that you believe you're possibly Transgendered, and to seek out a gender therapist for where you live. Therapists

    You could also be Bi, but the fact that you like dressing in woman's clothing makes me believe you're possibly Transgendered. You can be Transgendered and bi at the same time too, though.
     
  16. lucky71985

    lucky71985 Guest

    I understand that she would want monogamy. I am not necessarily saying that I am going to go have sex with men, I'm just saying that is how I feel. Not only would that be irresponsible of me to have sex with others without her knowledge, it could potentially be dangerous.
    I have talked about open marriage with her before and she is not open to that, at least at this time.
    And it is not that I can't be satisfied with her, I am. Just sometimes I have these times when I just am really sexually attracted to guys/gals. I don't feel that I would want a serious relationship with a guy or another gal. I just have only had sex with only 2 people and I feel that sometimes, with how my single friends talk, we (as in me and my wife, she has only been with me) could be missing out on some interesting relationships.

    I really appreciate everyone's feedback, it really is helping to understand from other people point of view. Thanks for the support.
     
  17. lucky71985

    lucky71985 Guest

    So, a lot happened over the weekend. Saturday night I told my wife that I like women's clothing. She is very supportive. We even went into details about having fantasies about men. It was a huge step feels like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. She understands all of it, the reasons for the comfort of panties. She is even willing to explore stuff that I thought she would never be open to trying. What a relief, now I can really enjoy my feminine side.
     
  18. Eleanor Rigby

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    That is very good news :slight_smile: You're very lucky to have such an understanding wife.