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Madly gender dysphoric and suicidal

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by StarofMiyu, May 26, 2011.

  1. StarofMiyu

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    I know that I've probably come off as whiny during the time I've been here but, here's my current story:

    So I've been acting like nothing has been wrong with me for about the past month, everyone thinks im happy cheery. The cold harsh reality is the past two weeks I've been suicidally depressive and it's because of my gender dysphoria. It's getting even worse now because of the fact I just want to kill myself because I can never be fucking pregnant. I want that so fucking badly. I'm crying right now and I'm so sick of being a fucking boy when I'm not. I want to masturbate like a girl I wanna be pregnant like a girl I wanna have periods like a girl, but I can't have fucking any of that. I'm so fucking depressed right now, I'm supposed to see a gender therapist on the 7th but she's probably gonna fill me with some you have to wait till your 18 bullshit. If I have to wait that long and more just to be my fucking self I'll fucking kill myself. I'm running short on fuel as it is. I don't even know what the fuck to do with myself. I imagine myself as pregnant and I even sometimes start feeling like I'm giving birth, then I'll dream about having sex with a girlfriend I'll have.

    What the fuck am I supposed to do with myself?
     
  2. Hot Pink

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    First of all, don't think you're sounding whiny. I know where you're coming from. Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a mother. It hurts more than anyone realizes when I think about the harsh reality that I can't become pregnant. Unfortunately, that pain really won't go away, you just need to learn to cope with it. The therapist will probably help you with that.

    Going to the therapist really is a good idea. She may not be able to fill a prescription, but that's not what the therapist is for. It's because we go through the stuff you're going through that we need someone to talk to. Also, presenting as a girl will also improve things. I know that's difficult, but you need to start thinking about what will make you happy.
     
  3. StarofMiyu

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    I want hormones now, and there's no way they'll give them to me until I'm 18..this is fucking stupid. Everyday it's like someone stabbing me repeatedly in the face. Im sick of having to change in the guys room, they aren't even hot guys. I'm sick of going to school expected to act male.
     
  4. Hot Pink

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    Just letting you know, even if you were over 18, you would have to wait another three months. The fact you're so depressed would probably make it even longer than that.

    I relate to everything you're saying, believe me. The only thing you can do is hold on. It will get better. In the meantime, come out to more people so you don't feel forced into a gender role you don't want to be. Hormones won't change your attitude. Only you can do that. If you don't want to act male anymore, then don't. If you don't want to change with the boys, talk to the principal about changing in a unisex room instead.
     
  5. StarofMiyu

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    That just makes me more suicidal. And we don't have things like that.
     
  6. Raeil

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    I do agree with Hot Pink on the issue of coming out to more people who would be respectful and understanding. The more people that know you are female, the less you'll need to "act male" around them.

    Please don't let your suicidal thoughts take control! You're an awesome human being, and you have a lot to live for! I'm sorry that life played a cruel trick which has prevented you from being pregnant, but know that you can still be a great mother to your children. Please, when you visit your therapist, mention that you've been feeling suicidal! He or she will be able to help you, and the world still wants you here, no matter what certain bigoted portions of it might say!

    I'm not the best encourager, but I hope my words can give you strength. Be well, and stay strong! It does and will get better! :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  7. Hot Pink

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    I'm sorry about that, but it is the truth: coming out will make you feel much better. I know from experience. I was in your shoes not three months ago and coming out has vastly improved my life.
     
  8. Hexagon

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    Three weeks ago for me. I'm not suicidal anymore, but I have random dysphoric panic attacks that hit me at seriously bad times.

    Coming out is good. really good. I've told my friends, and most of the school (an accident, but whatever), and my parents. They're getting me hormones. And one thing that I think is important to mention is that they're not making me wait till I'm 18. At least, not at the moment. They may change their mind, but I'm hoping not.

    And I expect you've heard this before, but it really does get better. Just hold on, however miserable you are because help is around the corner.

    Perhaps you can come out to your school officials and ask to use the girls bathrooms. If you don't feel comfortable changing infront of them, then use a toilet. Even if your doc won't give you hormones, he/she can still diagnose you with GID, which should help in persuading the school.

    Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about fertility, but its not the end of the line. If you want your genes to carry on, you can have your sperm frozen and a surrogate can give birth. If your decide to get genital surgery, I believe masturbation is possible (and I strongly sugest you refrain from male maturbation until then. Female masturbation makes me dysphoric.)

    You can't get pregnant, and you'll have to come to terms with that. But you can still have kids, still fall in love, and live completely as female.

    Tips for right now:

    Come out. Start passing. Get hormones.

    You may worry you can't get them till 18, but its not the law everywhere.

    And good luck.
     
  9. Hot Pink

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    If you want to be a biological parent someday, you can store sperm in a sperm bank for later. My personal feelings are that I want to be a mother and not a father, so this doesn't feel right to me. Others have done it, though.
     
  10. StarofMiyu

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    I do want to be a mother...why do you think I wanna go through being pregnant?
     
  11. trannydude

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    i want to say that (total cliqea, but) it will get better. just talk it out. i just came out to my bff and he was like 'am i supposed to be suprised?' now i can talk to him. i havn't had a suicidal thought since. [but it has only been a week.] but thats still a week longer than ive ever gone without wanting to kill myself before. i can actually say im happier now.
    and about the whole pregnancy thing. a gay friend of mine was worried he would never be a parent. but now he is happily married and has 7 kids. their all adopted but in his eyes their his flesh and blood because he's raised them from birth. i can tell you he's very happy.
     
  12. Hexagon

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    You could even freeze sperm and have your girlfriend give birth to them. I'm not expert on the matter, but isn't pregnacy a means to having a biological child, and not an actual pleasurable experience? The child would be biologically yours and your girlfriend's, and you wouldn't have to go through birth.

    That would be different if you get married to a guy, but you could still get a surrogate.
     
  13. StarofMiyu

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    Haha. Maybe I'm just fucked, I want to go through the experience of being pregnant for the fact that I will be pregnant. I want the morning sickness...it's not that it will be a pleasurable experience it's just something I WANT to experience.
     
  14. Hexagon

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    I doubt it. I expect the only reason I cant understand wanting to get pregnant is because I'm A: Not a woman and B: trying desperately to escape being in a female body.

    For what its worth, I'm really sorry you'll never be able to get pregnant. I doubt its something they'll be able to solve in the next thousand years of future. But there are other ways of being a parent, and if you want kids there better than nothing.
     
  15. StarofMiyu

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    Im gong to try and hang on until i see the lady I'm supposed to on the 7th. I got some hope from looking at how pretty transexuals were on YT. I'm gonna try and just make everyday go by super fast. I still feel suicidal. But if it gets me hormones sooner than I won't bother to say that.
     
  16. Hexagon

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    So long as the hormones solve your depression (which they probably will), then thats fine. When playing therapists, its very important to convey dysphoria, but not serious depression, and there can be a fine line.
     
  17. StarofMiyu

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    I'm just going to push as hard as I can for that...because now I'm in a good mood, and if I get it ruined by the therapist trying to give me pills for depression I'm going to do something nasty to myself...<_< >_>