Gender Issues (Long post is looooong)

Okay, so, after reading over tons of topics in this forum and agonizing over whether or not to post, I've decided to start typing this up. Forgive me if it gets a little confusing, and I know it's gonna be long, but I have to get it all out. The closest support group to me is way too far for me to walk to, and it's in the city (BALTIMORE City, of all places) and takes place at night... Not good for someone as scrawny as me. But anyway, I just feel like I'm gonna go crazy if I don't get help from SOMEONE.

So, when it comes to sexuality, it hasn't been that much of an issue for me. I first figured out I was bisexual (though I later expanded this to pansexual) when I was 10 years old. I've always been pretty comfortable with the fact that I like people regardless of what sex they are. I had a few doubts ("Am I really bisexual, or am I just saying I am because my friend is, and I want to impress her?"), but I cleared them up after a short while.

When it came to coming out, I was initially guarded ("Well uh, don't tell anyone, but... I'm bi" was how it generally went with me when I was younger). Over time, though, I would find myself coming out to people as easily as I'd tell them my favorite color. It was just a part of who I am, and if the topic of sexuality came up, or if the group was discussing, say, people we found attractive, I'd make no secret of it. No one ever really had a problem with it.

As for my family, that was easy enough. My younger sister is open-minded and never thought much of it. I came out to my mother via telling her that I had a girlfriend, to which she replied, "...Okay." Again, she doesn't have an issue with it; she believes that I should do whatever it takes to be happy, and she doesn't have problems with non-straight people at all. My grandmother... I didn't come out to her formally, but she was aware that I had a girlfriend, and never said anything against it. I had another sister (who passed away recently) who's lived out-of-state since I was a baby, after our dad died, and I came out to her through Facebook. She said that she had no problem with it; in fact, she was bi herself. I have a very open-minded family.

For the longest time, I couldn't fathom why anyone would have to be so frightened of coming out. And please hear me out before you get angry. I've just come from such an open-minded area, with such accepting friends and family, that it's hard for me to realize not everyone feels the same way; so, sexuality has never been that big a deal with me.

Sexuality.

Now, though, there's another issue on my mind, and it's making me realize just how frightened some of my fellow GLBTQ people must feel. It's about gender identity.

You see, I... For a while now, I've been feeling like I, at times, was more masculine than feminine. I didn't like being seen as feminine. It would get to the point where imagining myself in, or wearing, "female" clothing like dresses and skirts would have me near tears because it just felt so wrong. Maybe not the dresses and skirts themselves, but the idea that, if I wore them, I would be thought of as "female." But then, other days, I would gladly dress up and admire my female body and be perfectly content with it. I wouldn't feel "male" at all.

At first, I thought that I must just be a male inside, with a female body. But... That didn't seem right. Sometimes, I didn't mind feeling male and looking female. Sometimes, I loved looking and acting female. It didn't feel right to identify as "transgender," because I felt that implied that I wanted to be male, completely, permanently. It isn't so.

I really do think that the best label for me is "genderfluid." I've considered "androgynous," but androgyny implies neither male or female, right? Which I suppose I am sometimes, but other times, I DO feel more like one or the other. Or, well, most of the time, I feel MOSTLY male, but slightly female. I think this is my "default." I have a sliding scale of gender, though, so I feel "fluid" just gives off the right feel.

It also just feels right when I take into account that I don't generally tend to care if someone calls me a male or a female. Like, if I'm posting on an anonymous image board and somebody says something like, "I agree with anon, he has some interesting points," I'm not even bothered, whereas a lot of the females I know would maybe say something like, "Thanks, but I'm a girl, by the way." I don't feel the need to correct anyone if it's something like that. Ugh... Complicated. But, yeah, that's how I feel, for the most part.

Now, when it comes to just accepting myself, I'm having a pretty easy time with that... But... I feel like it's getting to the point where I need to come out about this. I'm getting really stressed about everything. I feel like no one understands. Let me explain, because this is a bit complicated, too.

I said I have really understanding people around me, right? But sometimes I get the feel that they'd be pretty confused about something as unusual - or, rather, I should say, out of the ordinary - as this. I haven't been shy about my masculine side. It started out as kind of joking stuff, like, "Oh yeah, I can do this and that and blah blah blah because I'm a MANNNN." My defense mechanism for most things is humor. But, over time, it became more serious. For me, at least.

I brought up the subject of crossdressing a few years back with my mother. Nothing big - just, "I kinda wanna go shopping for men's clothes. Like, boxers and stuff actually from the male section and whatnot." To which my mother replied, "Why? Do you feel like, you know, you're one of those trans people? Do you feel like you were born in the wrong body or something?" A good effort from her, yeah, but because I didn't feel that way - that was just the beginning of my trail of self-discovery, as it were - I said no, and, a bit intimidated, I went on to say, "I just think it would be fun. Or funny. I want to see how many people I can get to actually think I'm a guy."

And the subject was dropped. Mind you, I didn't end up getting any actual articles of men's clothing until very recently. I got a pack of boxers a while ago. A start, but it didn't really lead into any actual conversation, and I think it was just chalked up as one of my many eccentricities.

Now, I have a few people referring to me as a male sporadically already. This is because, for whatever reason, some of my friends started referring to me as "father." I didn't mind; I actually kinda like being addressed that way. But it's kind of a joking nickname; my group of friends are very nickname-y people. They're the kind that go around calling people "wifey" and "twin" and such, and I'm just a part of the fucked-up Facebook family tree.

On the topic of Facebook, when said friends actually wanted to list me as their father there, I changed my sex so that it would actually go through. This bugged me, actually, for a few reasons. 1) Facebook won't let you list a female as a father, apparently. If I want to list myself as female, and someone's father, I should be able to, y'know? 2) After the change, I had more than a few people messaging me going, "Um, you know your Facebook is set to male, right???" From the way they said it, like it was a bad thing, I just got so scared that I ended up saying, "Oh yeah, that? That's just this joke between me and some friends. Don't worry about it." It's frustrating having to hide like that.

I really, really want some more "male" clothes. I want to make an actual effort to crossdress without people - friends and family, at the very least - looking at me like I have two heads. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and, if I feel male, put on some boxers and some men's clothing and bind my chest and walk downstairs as a brother and a son and, say, Eli instead of Elizabeth (not actually my names, but close enough).

But no. If I mention that I want a male wardrobe, my sister might say, "Oh, lol, Asmodeus, you're such a MAN," but the tone says, "Why does a girl want boy's clothes? It's funny. You're masculine, but you're female, and that's strange and not normal." My grandma has and will look at me like I'm downright disturbed. My mother will barely pay attention to me, and it'll never happen.

Even if she did go and let me pick out new clothes, which she would probably do if I asked her seriously enough, it would just be weird. Unless I had a long talk about all of this, which I know I'd back out of at this point in time. She would ask me if I felt like a man inside, and I would freak and say it was just for fun. Like I was saying, it's happened before. And even if I told her everything, I'd still be freaked out to actually dress like that, because if I did, I'd have to have those same conversations with the rest of the people in my family to make them understand. And then my friends. And... I can't, I don't know how. I would chicken out and wear a baggy shirt that would hopefully hide my breasts at the right angle, and tuck my hair halfway into a cap, and call it "good enough."

They already seem to think it's funny enough when I just wear boxers under my female clothing. If I tried to have a serious talk with anyone, it'd turn into a joke, or they would kind of understand, but not really, as the tone would lighten up before I could explain everything. Humor is a bunch of people's defense mechanisms when they run into a difficult or unusually serious topic, after all.

Then there's the topic of my girlfriend... Well, we're technically on a break right now for unrelated reasons, but she's definitely still someone worth mentioning. We've been together for over two and a half years now. She's bisexual, technically, as she's told me, but for some reason, she refers to herself as a lesbian a lot. That's another issue, actually, that I'd like to mention.

I. HATE. Being called a lesbian. Hate it. Not because there's anything wrong with being a lesbian, oh no. I'm one of the most accepting people out there. It's just WRONG. It's not the right label for me, by far. A lesbian is a female who likes other females. Exclusively. Isn't it? But I'm neither female, nor exclusively attracted to females. Yes, I was in an exclusive relationship with a female for a sizable amount of time, but that doesn't make me a lesbian! It just gets me so angry! I come out to people as bi/pansexual! Why can't they call me that? It doesn't matter how often I correct them, either. I just end up hearing things like, "Well, since you're a lesbian, blah blah blah" or "I'm surprised you're not offended when someone calls you a fag, I mean, you're a lesbian and all..." over and over and over again. Even my girlfriend had, on occasion, said things like, "Oh, well, I'm a lesbian, and she is too, so..." Liking girls when I have a set of female genitalia does not make me a lesbian! Jeez!

Uhm, sorry... I just get really touchy about that, because I don't like being generalized in such a way. It's one of the few sexuality-related things that really grates on my nerves. I'm secure in my sexuality, if nothing else, so it would just be really nice if people respected that and called me what I want to be called.

Anyway, back onto the topic of my girlfriend... She's a really sweet, great person, but she and I don't see eye-to-eye all the time (one of the reasons for our temporarily split, but that's between us, and I won't get into it here). I feel like she doesn't really understand what it's like to be genderfluid, or even what genderfluid means, either. When I mention things pertaining to dressing up as, or being, male, she'll sort of roll her eyes and shrug the whole thing off. She has trouble with men, and seems to be really on edge about the prospect of ever dating a male. She even outright said to me once, "I don't think I would've liked you as much if you were a boy. I mean, you're great no matter what, but I'm not sure I would've dated someone male." So, I dunno, maybe she is a lesbian, though I know she feels at least sexual attraction towards males... That's her thing to figure out, though, not mine.

Anyway, I just feel like she won't understand if I come out to her as genderfluid, or she'll like me less for it. I just don't know how to explain it to her... I don't want to lose her if I say "sometimes I'm male," because with how she is, I'm afraid she won't realize that I'm female sometimes, too, and I just want to be recognized on the outside for how I feel on the inside. I feel like she'll take it as, "I feel like a male trapped in a female's body, and it's only a matter of time before I start dressing up as a man full-time and start hormone therapy." And I really don't want to suppress my male feelings whenever she's around, if it makes her uncomfortable...

I don't know. I've been having enough trouble just deciding if I want to stay in this relationship or not because of all the other factors involved. If I decide to stay with her, I don't want to come out and then have to lose her over something like that... I'm scared. I'm only 16, and I've never been in another relationship before, and there are so many things I have to decide along with this gender identity stuff, and I just don't know what to do.

Sometimes I feel guilty, like everything I want is way too much for everyone to handle. I want to be called male some days, and female others. I want to be called Eli some days, Elizabeth the next. I want to identify as male while wearing a skirt and have that just be something normal that I do, and I want to feel comfortable while doing it. I want to be able to say that I'm a MANRY MAN and then pick out a prom dress so that I can feel like a princess for a night. I don't want to lose someone I love because of something as trivial (well, it should be trivial) as gender. I feel so selfish, but I think I deserve the right to have a happy life in whichever way I choose. I mean, it's not hurting anybody if I walk around the house with my boobs squished under bandages, right? (That's another thing my girlfriend brings up - she loves my breasts. It can get awkward when she decides to gush about them when I feel male.)

But, you know... I just want to be accepted. I don't know where else to turn but to you guys, who have so much more experience in this kind of thing than I do. I really need some advice, please. It's... It's difficult enough for me to talk about my problems as it is, but I know that if I don't post this soon it'll just keep eating away at me, so please, even if it's just a little message, please help me out a bit. I'm sorry this post was so long, by the way, but I had to vent. All of this has been on my mind for far too long. I actually teared up a bit while writing it because it's just so emotional for me, and it's not a phase, and I really never cry, so...

I dunno. I'm rambling now. Thanks so much for taking time to read all of this! Any and all help or encouragement or anything like that is greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you for your responses, everyone!

I understand that it can get confusing for people when it comes to dealing with a genderfluid person, but I think, for me, it's less of an issue of being extremely offended when people refer to me in the wrong way, and more of an issue when they just treat me as a masculine girl and make it sound like... Hm, I dunno how to put it, exactly... I guess they make it sound like being genderfluid isn't a thing, like I'm supposed to be either a tomboy or a full-on FTM.

Like I mentioned in the OP, I don't get too upset when people address me in a way that doesn't happen to line up with what I'm feeling. I guess I'm just more after having my feelings respected, instead of brushed off as a phase, or a halfway point (wherein it's implied I'll eventually identify as a male 100% of the time). I just want to get to a point where, at the very least, I can dress up as a male and call myself one without being looked at strangely by, say, the members of my family.

I might be over-thinking this, but, as it is, I'm a very socially anxious person, so I worry a lot that if I act in a way that people don't really understand, they'll see me as even stranger than I already am, and they won't like me as much for it. Considering where I come from and who I hang out with, those fears might be totally unfounded, but I worry about things like that nonetheless.

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to word things if I'm going to come out to anyone. I was thinking of starting with my mom, as she's really understanding and helpful most of the time, provided I can sit down with her somewhere (over breakfast is when we tend to talk to each other about things like that, when my sister is at school and we're hanging out on our own) and explain the situation properly. I want to bring up the subject of buying male clothes with her again so that we can segue into the gender conversation, but I need to figure out what to say, so I won't just get freaked out and start going "Oh no it's just for fun hahaha" again.

On that subject, Rubik, do you know where I can find a binder? Are they common, or more in specialty stores or something?

And again, thanks for everyone's thoughts on the topic. It's much easier to figure things out when I have so many opinions besides my own to read over.