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Gender Identity and Expression A forum for support and advice about figuring out and expressing your gender identity. If you have concerns about coming out, please use the Coming Out Advice forum.

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Old 2nd Sep 2011, 02:06 AM   #1
XxjustbeurselfXx
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I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

I am so very confused.When i was lil i never really considered myself one,i never really knew anything bout it but i always said tht i wished i was a boy,liked doin guy things,and i even got a guy's haircut and acted liek a boy but liek i said i never thot bout it..i just always knew that on the inside i wasnt really a girl.now im getting confused and starting to think that maybe on the inside i am a guy.i didnt start thinkign bout it alot till a close friend of mine told me he was a transgender..now i cant get it off of my mind.i hate being a girl.i do wish i was a guy but is it possible to just start feeling like this at the age of 17?and is it also weird tht i think like this but i think that dicks r gross?please..i need some source of advice.
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Old 2nd Sep 2011, 03:57 AM   #2
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Hey, sorry you're having a difficult time determining your gender identity. I know it's confusing and scary, but there's plenty of people here in the same boat. I've noticed lately in particular that there has been an influx of transgendered people to EC, both FtM and MtF.

I can't tell you one way or the other whether you're trans or not - only you can determine that. But I can tell you that I did relate to a lot of what you said, and right now I kind of waver between identifying as a butch lesbian or a FTM transgendered guy.

I think the main difference is in how much discomfort living in a female body inflicts on you. Some days I personally can't stand it and it's half of what I think about, and other days I'm actually sort of okay with it. Some days it makes me study genetics and biology because I want to figure out why it happens. Some days I feel misogynistic for even thinking it's true. I feel like an ass when I have to explain it to people. What exactly does "male-minded" mean anyway? I don't know, but I know men think differently than women, and that I don't think like most women, or talk like them, or walk like them. In a fundamental way.

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tht i wished i was a boy,liked doin guy things,and i even got a guy's haircut and acted liek a boy but liek i said i never thot bout it..
I can relate to this. And the only reason I would call it a wish, and not a compulsion, was because I thought about being a guy constantly from the time I was a very small kid (like five years old), but it was dim background noise compared to what I was doing in my day-to-day life because even at that age, I knew it was wrong because of what people said, and I knew that nobody could ever know.

Like I'd just be going about my business, and someone would make a reference to me being female, and it would make me think about it. Because my reaction to it wasn't natural. That's when I knew I was different, but not why. Other kids knew I was different too though. I didn't know how they knew, because I felt like it was all in my head, but they did. Other girls were attracted to Prince Charming. I wanted to be Prince Charming. Even a five year-old knows that something is amiss.

Then when I was around 15 and hit puberty, it's like somebody turned up the background noise until it was a blare. That's the part of transgenderism that makes you feel crazy sometimes. For me, that's what gender dysphoria was and is like. Passing is like turning the noise down, and a 100% sex change would be like turning the noise off completely. (For bio-females 100% switch is not possible though.)

But some transgendered people have no desire to switch genders, they just recognize it as a fact and are themselves regardless of what that means with regards to their gender presentation.

As far as your dick disgust goes, I'm not sure. If you're a heterosexual male, penii might just not turn you on, which could explain your reaction to them. I have heard gay guys say that they consider the female bottom anatomy to be disgusting/gross to them. Gender identity is not really related to sexual orientation. I identify as FTM transgendered and bi, leaning strongly towards women (but plumbing doesn't really bother me either way).

Here is a really good website if you want to see some other people talk about what it's like to be transgendered:

Genderfork — genderqueer, unisex, & androgynous photos and thoughts
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Last edited by maverick; 2nd Sep 2011 at 03:59 AM..
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 02:24 AM   #3
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Thank you so much for this.i honestly didnt even think that i would get a reply.this means a lot to me.when i was lil,i did think different.i mean i didnt really call myself a girl,or a boy.i was just me but all of a sudden these past frw months,im wondering,who exactly am i?i dont know if its a temporary thing or if its something thats goin to stick with me.all i know is that ive been studying this stuff a lot lately,trying to communicate with other people who can relate to this,and i have been feeling really uncomfortable to be physically a girl.is it weird though that i didnt start thinking bout this every single day until my friend admited that he was a trans and is it weird that i didnt start thinking like this till age 17?i mean liek i said wen i was lil i never considered myself a boy or girl but i was liek a boy on the inside,i still am but everything u said was very helpful my friend.Life is just so confusing sometimes,now isnt it?
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 06:26 AM   #4
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Yeah, it can be very confusing

It helps coming to sites like this and just talk about it. Also reading about it on the internet (from good sources) is helpful to try to understand.

When I was a kid I didn't really care what I was supposed to do. I played with stuffed animals and chatted to girls in my class about silly stuff and preferred to hang out with them. My hobbies weren't exactly very masculine either. But at some point comments from other people made me conscious about these things and I started to hide or conform as best I could. Puberty is a strange thing for us, probably even stranger than for most people. But yeah, these things don't just go away. Makes you wonder how many others there are out there suffering in silence :/
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 07:52 AM   #5
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Iv noticed the almost everyones experience with being MtF or FtM is different, I dont remember much prior to my teens but im sure i didnt really think about it much back then, like, everything was a blur. I knew i was different, i thought differently to guys and related more to girls and i was bullied quite alot throughout my school life too.

When i hit puberty at 12-ish i started to realise things wernt quite right, id start going to bed most nights wishing id wake up the next day as female etc... I also crossdressed at the age of 13 in the safety of my home, this didnt last long though and i stopped for some reason, dont recall why because i loved it! It just made me feel great...

It was all very frustrating, it would be not 8 months ago that i would come to terms with being transgenderd, life just started making more sense... although now im suddenly plagued by the thoughts more then ever! I feel happy in making this decision to change.
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 08:32 AM   #6
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Quote:
is it weird though that i didnt start thinking bout this every single day until my friend admited that he was a trans and is it weird that i didnt start thinking like this till age 17?
I don't think so. I repressed being trans SO HARD that by the time I saw a documentary on it after college that actually put a name and faces to what I felt (I didn't know anything about transgenderism up to that point except what the media shows of transvestites, usually on Cops).

It's like it came out of a blue sky and struck me like lightning. It brought up feelings and repressed memories that I hadn't thought of in years - like my mom telling me not to join the football team because everyone would think I was a dyke, or arguing with her over having to wear a dress or purse, or fighting with a fundamentalist Christian student and being told I was going to hell, only to respond that there was no God. (My protection against the message of the churches all around me at 15 was militant atheism. I've softened in the resulting decade though.)

While watching this documentary, I drunkenly confessed to my friend that I had felt the same way as those people since I was a little kid. My friend suggested I try cross-dressing to see how it made me feel. So I went to Walmart, grabbed a buggy of men's clothing, and started trying them on.

It was my OMGWTF moment. Wearing men's clothing and looking at myself in the mirror was like looking at myself and being able to actually see myself for the first time since I was about fifteen.

And that was pretty much it for me. I switched gender presentations almost immediately after that.
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 08:51 AM   #7
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Yeah. CDs and drag, all well an good, but it kinda confuses the issue for TGs as it has nothing to do with being TG. I started researching the topic properly about 4 years ago I think, or maybe even before that, can't remember. But it made so much more sense. I am very interested in research on transgenderism, and almost want to contribute by volunteering as labrat
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 09:02 AM   #8
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica View Post
Yeah. CDs and drag, all well an good, but it kinda confuses the issue for TGs as it has nothing to do with being TG. I started researching the topic properly about 4 years ago I think, or maybe even before that, can't remember. But it made so much more sense. I am very interested in research on transgenderism, and almost want to contribute by volunteering as labrat
Yeah, I knew before I ever tried on men's clothing that what I was feeling was not some kind of crossdressing fetish. CD and drag are supposed to feel good - wearing women's clothing is what feels like drag to me, and cross-dressing in men's clothing isn't a pleasurable/fetishistic experience, it's an anxiety-alleviating one.

I spent high school feeling like a teenage boy forced to be acknowledged as a girl. At that point my clothing was as gender neutral as possible, but my wardrobe really didn't have much to do with how I felt.

I don't feel weird about "cross-dressing" in guy's clothing now at all. I just feel more normal in them. I'm not TG to the point that I would force people to acknowledge me as a male, but I'm TG enough that my gender presentation will be as male/androgynous as humanly possible without testosterone or surgery, and nobody can tell me I can't behave or dress that way if I'm just being myself.
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 09:08 AM   #9
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Quote:
Originally Posted by maverick View Post
I don't think so. I repressed being trans SO HARD that by the time I saw a documentary on it after college that actually put a name and faces to what I felt (I didn't know anything about transgenderism up to that point except what the media shows of transvestites, usually on Cops).

It's like it came out of a blue sky and struck me like lightning. It brought up feelings and repressed memories that I hadn't thought of in years - like my mom telling me not to join the football team because everyone would think I was a dyke, or arguing with her over having to wear a dress or purse, or fighting with a fundamentalist Christian student and being told I was going to hell, only to respond that there was no God. (My protection against the message of the churches all around me at 15 was militant atheism. I've softened in the resulting decade though.)

While watching this documentary, I drunkenly confessed to my friend that I had felt the same way as those people since I was a little kid. My friend suggested I try cross-dressing to see how it made me feel. So I went to Walmart, grabbed a buggy of men's clothing, and started trying them on.

It was my OMGWTF moment. Wearing men's clothing and looking at myself in the mirror was like looking at myself and being able to actually see myself for the first time since I was about fifteen.

And that was pretty much it for me. I switched gender presentations almost immediately after that.
Wow i feel like theres alot of me is in this! xD

That OMGWTF moment came 8 months ago after i read a story online that i related to and it suddenly just all just hit me. I decided to try on female cloths and it made me feel exactly the same way it made you feel. It was many late nights spent browsing the internet for info then on.

I have never felt more normal before, wearing girls clothing feels right and im alot happier when i can present to myself as female... next up! presenting myself as female to the world!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica View Post
Yeah. CDs and drag, all well an good, but it kinda confuses the issue for TGs as it has nothing to do with being TG. I started researching the topic properly about 4 years ago I think, or maybe even before that, can't remember. But it made so much more sense. I am very interested in research on transgenderism, and almost want to contribute by volunteering as labrat
Yeah... The common misconceptions people have. It seems there is alot of confusion about us, and people who actually know anything about it are way to few and far between x.x...
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 09:13 AM   #10
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

@maverick

In a small way I think you have it a bit easier on the dressing side maybe. I also dress neutrally in public, meaning jeans and t-shirt. But so do most guys *shrug*

I really dislike typically male outfits like a suit. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I guess it is similar to you wearing a dress? But I have few options when dressing ... and I DO NOT like pink shirts! Not that I care that much for dresses either. But skirt or jeans and top does alleviate some frustration for me too.

Closest thing I ever got to use in public were buying trainers that were labelled as women's trainers. Not that the difference is all that big ... and I wear jewellery in both ears. Which is not that big a deal either, but it is something.

I do think going to a party in drag would be fun to do, mostly because I like shoes and jewellery and it would be an excuse to wear that in public, but that is about as far as the interest in those things go.

---------- Post added 4th Sep 2011 at 06:18 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeketra View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica View Post
Yeah. CDs and drag, all well an good, but it kinda confuses the issue for TGs as it has nothing to do with being TG. I started researching the topic properly about 4 years ago I think, or maybe even before that, can't remember. But it made so much more sense. I am very interested in research on transgenderism, and almost want to contribute by volunteering as labrat
Yeah... The common misconceptions people have. It seems there is alot of confusion about us, and people who actually know anything about it are way to few and far between x.x...
I usually inform and correct people when these misconceptions come up in conversations. So far no one has asked me why I know so much about the topic

I have met quite a few people who are also well-informed on this too though. And I think a male friend of mine may have a similar situation as I do. Never asked, but we did approach that topic in a discussion-while-very-drunk once. I plan to find out more.
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 09:46 AM   #11
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Quote:
wearing women's clothing is what feels like drag to me, and cross-dressing in men's clothing isn't a pleasurable/fetishistic experience, it's an anxiety-alleviating one.
This is Exactly how I feel. I have to wear a skirt to work for four days because of a big inspection and I feel totally ridiculous.
I've had many of those OMGWTF moments the last few months. Had one the other day when I was wearing my grungy clothes after helping a friend work on his car. I saw myself in the mirror and felt like DAMN, this just feels good.
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 09:47 AM   #12
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Oh girl, I know I have it easier on the dressing side of things. Definitely, At least bio-women can dress in most men's clothing and just be like, "**** you, I'm a tomboy/lesbian/heterosexual/, get over it," but a MtF has no such option. The only male equivalent of tomboy that society knows is sissy or swish. At least in my neck of the woods. Although I have to say, we did have a couple of guys in high school who regularly wore kilts and they somehow managed to get away with it.

Quote:
I also dress neutrally in public, meaning jeans and t-shirt. But so do most guys *shrug*
Yeah, I don't feel like I wear anything provocative, unless I'm wearing something that might be considered cliche, like boots. Or a wifebeater. Cargo jeans. Funny tee-shirt. Ball cap. But I know it's just my own self consciousness about it that's key, that paranoia that people will think I'm gay because of it. I have to remind myself that it's internalized transphobia/homophobia.

Really, no matter what they think, the overwhelming majority will pass by a female completely cross-dressed and say nothing because they think it's none of their business. So there's no point in working myself up into social anxiety about it, even if there is a tiny percentage of the population that feels murdering me for "posing" as a member of the opposite sex is an okay reaction.

Quote:
I saw myself in the mirror and felt like DAMN, this just feels good.
Yeah, I love moments like that, but it wasn't about clothes, it was more just about feeling my family's acceptance of me being trans. The other night I was carrying in a gigantic plate of kabobs and stuff I cooked on the grill, and when everybody murmured their appreciation I was like RAWR, I SHALL PROVIDE!!! I felt so macho, lol...GRILLMASSSSTAH!
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Last edited by maverick; 4th Sep 2011 at 09:50 AM..
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 11:35 AM   #13
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

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The other night I was carrying in a gigantic plate of kabobs and stuff I cooked on the grill, and when everybody murmured their appreciation I was like RAWR, I SHALL PROVIDE!!! I felt so macho, lol...GRILLMASSSSTAH!
Haha, awesome

Not sure if I get that feeling often. Maybe when I am chatting with girls and realise we just had a girly talk that most guys would just go "huh?" on. Some girls get very exited when they find a guy that will relate to "girly" topics. Not even that girly really, just stuff most guys with shrug at.

I am not all that girly though. I think if I was in a female body I'd still walk around in jeans and help fix cars and tend the BBQ whenever I felt like it. I quite like tomboys actually. That nice balance between male and female in a female body. I tend to connect very well with them.

---------- Post added 4th Sep 2011 at 08:36 PM ----------

@just b urself

Sorry for hijacking your thread. Just get us back on track if there's anything else
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Old 4th Sep 2011, 02:56 PM   #14
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you guys.I just signed up to this site a couple of days ago and it is already helping.It is amazing how many people out their can relate to how i feel,relate to me about these feelings,and i know the feeling @maverick..i dree in guys clothes and ever since i started doing that i feel much more comfortable..i see girl's clothes and i just dnt liek them.i even only wear guys shoes.alot of people even mistake me for a guy because of this and i dont mind actually.the only thing is..i want ur honest opinion on this..i think i would make an ugly guy..do u guys think i would honestly from the pics of me on my profile?thats one thing that has been running through my mind like crazy
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Old 5th Sep 2011, 04:40 PM   #15
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

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Originally Posted by just b urself View Post
I just wanted to say thank you to all of you guys.I just signed up to this site a couple of days ago and it is already helping.It is amazing how many people out their can relate to how i feel,relate to me about these feelings,and i know the feeling @maverick..i dree in guys clothes and ever since i started doing that i feel much more comfortable..i see girl's clothes and i just dnt liek them.i even only wear guys shoes.alot of people even mistake me for a guy because of this and i dont mind actually.the only thing is..i want ur honest opinion on this..i think i would make an ugly guy..do u guys think i would honestly from the pics of me on my profile?thats one thing that has been running through my mind like crazy
Im sure youl be great looking guy!! Your passable if people are mistaking you for a guy somtimes already.

Alot of changes take place, i dont think you should have much of a problem!

Last edited by Zeketra; 5th Sep 2011 at 04:44 PM..
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Old 6th Sep 2011, 05:48 AM   #16
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Re: I need help(am i a trans?..FTM)

Thank you very much.
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