Am I trans?

Hi there, and welcome to EC.

I'm not sure anyone but you will ultimately be able to answer your question. I certainly don't identify as trans, but others here do, and I'm sure they'll contribute here shortly.

 

I'll just reply briefly now because I need to go out, but I myself identify as bigendered. I have many of the same concerns/thoughts as you do, just swapped around birth-gender-wise. I don't think I am completely MtF, but I'm certainly not comfortable with a strict male gender identity either. I also identify as partially asexual, like you seem to do too.

Just remember in this, as in every other issue, you don't need to identify on a binary scale. There are grey areas. It will probably be useful to talk to a professional on these issues. I am waiting to do that myself.

 

lol I have been questioning quite a while too and made out a whole list like that (it was very similar too- hate my chest, more comfortable in boyish clothing, comfortable with male/male relationships, male alter ego online). I really want therapy but can't afford and not sure I wanna go to my mom because like you, I have those moments of doubt. i think "what if I did all this stuff and then one day changed my mind?" Doubtful but I worry. It's nice to hear when others' stories are close to mine because the majority of trans stories seem so different. I guess what I'm saying is, you're not alone! lol

 

I'm currently going through the exact same thing as you - and it's an awfully hard thing to put a finger on a solid answer. I'm biologically female, and everything you've just said about yourself, that's what I am too. It's only been a couple of months since I properly admitted it to myself, so it's all still raw and confusing as hell.
Trying out different things, like chest binders, shorter haircuts and more masculine clothing has worked wonders for me; everyone is different, it's just a matter of taking the time to recognise the things that will make you feel most true to yourself - and that can be a really daunting and scary thing; do you have people close to you that you're able to talk to about how you're feeling about your gender identity? I had to come out to my housemate in order to talk out my feelings, and things have looked up significantly since.
Do what you feel most comfortable doing (it might take a little while to properly figure out what that is, but one day you will wake up and feel like you just "fit" .

 

idk if you all still read this old post, but id like updates. i currently know no bigender or transgender people. i didn't even know those words until this month. but i been in very similar circumstances, and doing these strange things and thinking in my mind i was other gender since prepuberty. why are we doing that? i don't think all people do, or hate their bodies, or want to be the other sex. i even asked a lesbian and gay man both love their own gender identity, they are not like us. so why am i right now here in my room with all opposite sex clothes on? I'm scared. i came out to a friend i know at college. what if i am wrong too? i try to imagine a "normal" future, thats what we sorta want right? why is it a few moments later my mind says how much i want to be the opposite sex? how did these impulses, dreams, desires get in me? i know absolutely nobody like this! how did i manage to fit the mold for transgender and why did nobody tell me as a kid this exists? i felt so alone, perverted, bad. i am asking myself hard questions i never wanted to, i sure opened a can of worms in 2012. how much am i going to change? i am feeling compelled from within to keep changing, to keep going forward in my transitioning, but i have no idea what i am doing, the end result and final consequences. I'm logical, factual, i feel confused. please keep in contact with me whatever choices you make. i just want to see where I'm going.

 

*nods* To Gallaudet Gal

One of the worst things about being transgendered is the horrible feeling of disassocaition you get. Suddenly, most (cisgendered) people don't seem to be able to relate to your position, and though there are many online communities for trans-people, it can be hard to avoid a crushing sense of loneliness.

While my own personal position is probably different to most of you guys in this particular thread, I've had my own slew of gender issues these past six months, and if you ever feel you need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me, or leave a wall message.

I've also got plenty of online communities I can refer you to, everything from Facebook groups to IRC chatrooms, so at the risk of sounding like some sort of trans advice agency, be sure to drop me a line if you'd like some help with the ton of questions it seems you have.

 

anytime. yeah, i feel out of control, and can't focus of paying bills, doing dishes, or reading my textbook...oh, no, i just continue to focus on letting my mind free itself and my body starts craving to become another identity!
i don't think i can PM as i am not full member, so wall stuff i guess?

 

Hugs for all you guys (&&&) and for all the gender-questioning lurkers who are probably reading this. I've been going through some of the same things, though for me it's not so bad because my immediate family has been supportive. I wish I'd known the word genderqueer as a kid, it would've made things easier. It wasn't until my late teens that I heard there was anything other than cisgender and fully transgender.

 

Gallaudet Gal, I think you'll find you need to add me as a friend before I can post things on your wall.

I just tried PM'ing you, but you were right, regular memeber's can't PM each other.

 

yep. so friends now. done!

 

Hey all, hope you don't mind if I cut in.

I started transitioning to male about two years ago, so I have a little history in this field.

First thing's first - doubts are normal. Every person who has transitioned that I've ever spoken to have had doubts at some point or other; not necessarily of who they are, but should they change, how could they really be one of those very few people, how could they possibly do that to their family...the list goes on. Even when it is about 'could I really, really be a guy?', doubts come up.

It does sound to me quite similar to some of the things I've heard guys who realized later in life conclude - I'm not saying it is, but it well could be.

The general truth seems to be that gender fluidity or reassignment very rarely comes into the minds of cisgendered folk that they might be. For the record, nor am I saying run off and transition; it can be difficult, painful, expensive - all the general risks you'd expect to come with the territory.

What I would recommend though is talking to a gender therapist; for anyone interested, there are a number of online therapists (and yes, they're qualified; a mate of mine got his script for testosterone through one of these people), as they're experts on determining whether you experience any or all of the symptoms of Gender Identity Disorder.

As well as that, there are a few forums not dissimilar to this one, but specifically for trans* folks, which are lifesavers in the literal sense.

The best advice I can give you is think it through, as much as you can. Those guys who are at the point where they're frantically desperate? They've done their thinking, and not dissimilar to being gay, they've come to be able to acknowledge the fact. Just like that, some people it's easy for, others struggle for years. I know a guy who started transitioning at 63 years of age, so be aware not everyone is the kid you see on the news. Like anything, there are varying severity of how people experience dysphoria, and that's fine.

If I can answer questions or if you want the links to any of the things I've mentioned, I'm happy to help. Message at will.

- All the best.

 

Silenced - I'd be quite interested in hearing more about these online gender therapists.

I'm sure it's always preferable to see someone in person about an issue such as this - but that doesn't really look to be an option for me, at least not for quite a while.

 

Hey,

I don't think I'm able to give a link directly due to forum rules, as the list of them that's most comprehensive is on a site with another chatroom, but google "U.S. Gender Therapists List for Transsexuals Transgendered and Crossdressers", and the first thing that comes up should be a site called 'Laura's Playground'; they also have a list of GT's outside the U.S.

It can be better to talk in person, but if you get to that point I'd seriously recommend looking up reviews for the therapist in question. Some of them are less than supportive, to say the least, on this matter.

Most I can say is don't be scared to mess around and find out who you are; if you have friends who are open to this sort of thing, try asking them to use male pronouns, or run with using a guy's name; it can really open your eyes to how much - or how little - you want this on a more permanent basis.

Also, Gallaudet Gal, to me that sounds like pretty serious dysphoria - I've seen a lot of people struggle with it to that extent, and I know I'm a complete stranger, but please, for your own sake, seek some help for this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're doing - there's no reason for guilt, shame or fear. What there is reason to do, is seek out someone who can help you understand and accept it on your own terms, and who can help you figure out what, if anything, you need to do to feel more comfortable in your own skin. It hurts like hell, and it's a long fight, but if this is what you need, I promise you it's worth it. Just please try and keep your head up, and be aware that there are actually a lot of people out there who know what you're going through.

A lot of people fear transitioning will 'change' them. All I can say to that is that the only psychological difference between me now and me then is that I'm incomprehensibly happier. I'm less aggressive, no longer painfully shy, less self-destructive. Not being in pain does remarkable things for one's quality of life. If you believe that this is what you need, then I can't do anything more than encourage you not to give up.

The site mentioned above can help with questions of gender identity; I seriously recommend them.

- All the best.

 

awesome! i see so many who seem to have had severe dysphoria from toddlerhood write online blogs, but not me. I've only really noticed the incorrectness and shock about age 10. so it made me wonder if i am not really experiencing same thing. i can wear female or male clothes all my life, maybe happier in the ones for opposite gender but I'm not suicidal at all. but perhaps i could have a milder severity? i suppose a qualified therapist could know the difference. i don't want on my record i am mentally ill. i do want truth and answers, and how far i am going to go with this, where i will end up. as i have never met a transgender person, or knew these terms until this year, i felt weird and alone growing up. friend me here anytime, and do share info please!

 

Thanks for that link, I suspected it might be Laura's you were reffering to :icon_wink (am I the only one who thinks that website needs a decor overhaul?)

Also Silenced, I'd be happy to give trying male pronouns a try, but I already get called by them all the time. :icon_wink I know it's probably hard to tell, seeing as my gender is listed as "no idea in the slightest" - but I wasn't labelled "female" at birth.

 

well at least the doctor didn't turn us over at birth and write Oh Crap!
things could be worse!

 

Things can always be worse. I have a fun story through this. Multiple psychiatrists told me that I was thinking these things because I was nuts/random other psychological problems/etc., and then I went to an LGBT-friendly place and started to change my hair and talk more openly about it, and now I feel weirdly OK with where I'm at, though I haven't done too much except change my mode of being. Generally: you just have to stay open and positive as much as you can. Also,

that. At least for me, it cycles a bit. Like, I'm generally okay now, and despite having a set of clothes I don't usually wear them - it just brings out the contrast between the body and the mind - but I had periods, when I was being denied the freedom to search out what I was, where I would sit miserable and feel like everything was /wrong/ in a way that isn't accurately describable through words.

I've experimented with other pronouns, but they make me feel awkward, as though I am lying and being nefarious. So I only bring it up when I have to.