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Still wondering if I'm trans or just an extreme tomboy.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by WydenEmmie, Nov 1, 2011.

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  1. WydenEmmie

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    Okay guys, after a decent time of thinking this over, I'm laying it out for you again in hopes you can point me in the right direction.
    When I first joined, I posted about possibly being trans. Well, this is what I've been able to sort out/do on my own:

    I was able to cut my hair and style it like skater hair (that doesn't cover my eyes; I play an instrument!). I was also able to persuade my mother to buy my clothes from the guy's section.

    Anyway, I've come to the point that has kind of calmed my brain (i.e. I'm not really depressed anymore). My mind has decided to come to a compromise and I have been told that I'm okay with certain things and not okay with others. I think my mind is telling me to accept the terms and conditions because that's as far as I'll ever get with this issue, in a "take it or leave it" way.

    That being said, my mind has convinced me that I'm okay with having breasts, as long as they're tiny and pretty much unnoticable and are able to be confined with a simple sports bra. Also, it told me I'd be okay with having a vagina if I didn't menstruate.

    I'm very uncomfortable with that lovely time of the month and dread it. I wish I could ignore it, but I can't. There are days when I wish I had a disease that required me hysterectomy and other surgeries that would stop it because I know they won't even think about removing it with a trans issue (and already being on T for so long, I believe), or a medical problem.

    I also feel that breasts restrict many of the things that I did when I was younger and lacking them. I miss being able to run around without a shirt on and in swimming trunks instead of a bikini or one piece.

    I'm becoming more and more uneasy in public, even just around my friends. I don't like the thought of two things just protruding out of my chest (even if they are approximately the size of an apple and a half, as my sister would put it XD). But honestly, it distracts me from what I'm doing and I feel like all eyes are on me just because of them.

    Okay, well you've heard what I've come to. I'd appreciate any insight you guys can provide. :slight_smile:
     
  2. Chandra

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    I'm not really an expert in this area and I'm sorry I can't give you much insight, but I think you're taking the right approach (questioning and trying to get an idea of how you feel about being female or male), and you should probably continue to do so.

    One thing I notice: most of your observations have to do with how you feel about various female qualities (breasts, menstruation, etc.). Maybe you could try thinking about how you'd feel living as a boy for a while? Put on some boy clothes, walk around imagining you're a boy, and see if that clicks? Of course, you may very well have done that already.
     
  3. just b urself

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    i wish i could give u lots of advice but its hard too because i am also questioning ig im transgender or a tomboy..just give it time.u will soon realize it.it takes lots of time.i knwo its enough to drive u crazy probally(it sure is for me)but try to be patient with it becuz something liek this cant be rushed and requiers lots of patience and keep in mind that their is some trans people that r pretty comfortable with their body.ik its all so confusing believe me but u have people here for u on here and theirs always me,u can always talk to me.have u tried going by a guys name yet?if not u mtie want to try tht.just test the waters a little.how logn have u been questioning?and how much do u think bout it?if ur anything liek me than its hard for u to get it off ur mind and u constatnly wonder"am i trans or a tomboy"
     
  4. WydenEmmie

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    Been doing this for about three weeks now (since I finally got boy's clothes). It's much more comfortable being in guy's jeans. Since it's getting colder as well, I have a (slightly bigger than I would normally need) hoodie, patterened with skulls and it's so comfortable to wear.

    I was at a [ear] piercing place in a mall with my sister, and the lady piercing her ear thought I was a boy. (My sister asked if she could use the other earring to pierce my cartilage, as she was only piercing her one cartilage as well.) Though I was very happy that my appearance cam off like that, I couldn't show it because my sister doesn't know.

    @just b urself, I'd say I was questioning for a while, like since I was 10-11ish and was told I needed to start acting like a girl. I never knew the term for it, so, though I'd think about it a lot, I could never get an help from others with the subject. (That whole fear about being rejected for being different.)

    Also, for now, I've been using either Wy, or Emmie (as I don't mind Emmie, despite the fact that it's a girl's name). I'm still trying to figure that part out. I actually have three or four of my friends calling my Wy/Emmie, though only one knows I'm questioning my gender.
     
  5. WydenEmmie

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    Okay, I got a bit of advice, but does anyone have more to add? It'd be extremely appreciated. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Ianthe

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    I'm always a little concerned when the word "butch" doesn't appear anywhere in these sorts of conversations. (Butch really isn't just tomboy.) So, I guess my first advice would be to explore the world of butch, trans, and genderqueer identities thoroughly. Also, read, or watch, Ivan Coyote: A Butch Roadmap.

    That said, I've gone and reviewed your other threads, and I think what you really need advice about is how to actually get yourself to a gender therapist. You've been depressed to the point of self-harming, and you know your mother has been diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. You should tell your mother about your depression and self-harming anyway, because that is really serious stuff. (SHE is the adult and the parent, and it is HER job to protect YOU, not the other way around!)

    When she takes you in to see a mental health professional, talk to that person about your gender. You have to anyway, because it is relevant to your depression. Even though it won't be a specialist, your therapist should be able to help you with convincing your mother that she should take you seriously, and perhaps refer you to a specialist.

    Stop worrying about the money. This is important, just like your mom's illness is important, and they will find the money.

    You can be masculine without being the kind of macho idiot who's too proud to ask for help or go to the doctor. Please, get the help you need. You said somewhere that you felt like you would be attention seeking. But, since you obviously desperately need attention, seeking it is completely appropriate. And it would be terrible for you to let your mother's mental illness prevent you from getting treatment for your own medical issues.
     
  7. WydenEmmie

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    Well, on the good side, I haven't self-harmed since I made that post metioning it. I did talk to a friend about parts of my issue (as he wouldn't understand most of it and I didn't have enough time to explain everything). Before I go to my mother (because I feel like I can't trust her, as she apparently talked to *above mentioned friend's* mother about it, when I told her not to tell anyone, as I wasn't sure myself at the time), I'm contemplating going to my old school's new guidance conselor or emailing my school's guidance conselor.

    Lucky, even though it takes up a great deal of my mind, my mind has been focused on school work and I haven't been near as depressed as before. There are still times, but it's definitely not as bad.

    I've thought about using the word butch, but my definition has always been "a 'female' (lesbian/bi) that appears to be a 'male". If you can give me sites that would give me the most accurate deifnitions for the terms, it would be most appreciated.
     
  8. Ianthe

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    Here's from... um, a website I don't think I can link to under the rules here:
    emphasis added

    That's a definition from self-identifying butches. So, regardless of whether you eventually transition, I think "butch" has room for you. :slight_smile: Many transgender guys don't identify as butch, though, so it's a personal choice.

    Also, I never think butches look like men, unless they take testosterone and start to "look like men" on purpose. They look butch, which is masculine but completely different from looking male. (And way better, says the femme, not that that should change your decision--it really has to be about you. And there are girls out there who prefer the trans guys anyway.)

    But anyway, definitely contact the school counselor if that's all you feel comfortable doing.

    Regarding your mother, try to keep in mind that this is really distressing for her, too. It's really hard when your kids are going through something difficult that you don't understand. Of course she's going to want to talk to someone herself to get support. Maybe you could talk to her and ask her to make sure it isn't one of your friend's parents, next time. And maybe get her some information about PFLAG, so she can talk to other parents who have had to go through similar things.

    For you though, I want you to know that there is a whole broad spectrum of people who are more or less like you; and there are people who will love you as you are, whether you decide you need to transition or not. You are not alone, and it will be all right.
     
  9. WydenEmmie

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    Thanks! That's extremely helpful. I've honestly never thought of butch being such a broad category.

    I know my mother goes to a therapist, so I was just I guess upset that she didn't choose to tell someone that didn't know me, aka her therapist (as far as I know). And with where we live (in a small town (not necessarily homophobic, for the most part) with a lot of hate everywhere about something [stupid]), I don't think there are any parents of trans kids. As far as even just gay kids, we may only have two or three.

    I'll definitely go to PFLAG. I go on a lot to see if there is much about trans, and I know there's some, but it doesn't seem like there's a lot. But, I shall try, try, try again.

    Thanks :slight_smile:
     
  10. just b urself

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    i wish i could give u more advice but i honestly cant because im goign through the same thing that you are goign through right now also.just try to keep ur head up and find urself.
     
  11. seeksanctuary

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    So, lemme get this straight...

    *You'd be fine with your breasts... as long as you can hide them, ignore them and not have to acknowledge they exist any more than necessary.

    *You'd be fine with having a vagina... as long as you don't have to give it any serious attention.

    *You're happy when someone thinks of you as a boy.

    Hm. :wink:

    I'd take your time in exploring your gender, but those three thing right there sound suspicious to me. I highly recommend seeing a therapist.
     
  12. diniesaur

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    I, too, am questioning my gender identity. Something you said in your first post struck me:

    I describe my breasts that way a lot, too! Actually, I sometimes like to call them "disgusting cancerous protrusions." I want you to know how lucky you are to have small breasts; mine are more like grapefruits! You would probably bind really well.

    Anyway, you should definitely see a counselor. You don't even have to tell your parents that's what you're talking about. It's helping me. Try your best to give all sides of the argument, even if the argument is only in your head.
     
  13. WydenEmmie

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    @seeksanctuary, I talked to my mother about seeing a therapist and she said that she'll make an appointment with my doctor first. She said that he should be able to point us to the right therapist. I figured it's better than nothing. :slight_smile:

    @diniesaur, haha, nice! I supposed I'd be able to bind easy, but I normally just wear underarmour and loose shirts. And, like I said above, my mother is supposed to schedule an apppointment with my doctor. :slight_smile:
     
  14. Ianthe

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    This is a perfectly good idea, actually. You want a therapist (preferably a psychologist) that comes recommended. And depending on your insurance and how health care works in your area, you may need a referral in order to get your treatment covered.
     
  15. WydenEmmie

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    True, true. I just hope that my doctor is able to recommend one. I don't know how informed he is on this stuff.
     
  16. Ianthe

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    He doesn't really need to be terribly informed about trans issues--he just has to know who is informed, or be able to find out.

    Doctors do a lot of professional networking. Your doctor may not know who to refer you to off the top of his head--but he will have someone he regularly works with in psychology, whom he trusts, that he can call, who will recommend someone specifically for gender identity issues.

    He'll leave for a few minutes and come back with a referral. He probably won't tell you that he went into the other room and made some phone calls to get that name from someone else. He'll just pretend like doctors just know everything, and all know each other.

    But he'll find someone to refer you to who is reputable and has experience working with patients on gender identity.
     
  17. WydenEmmie

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    Haha, I guess so. :slight_smile:
     
  18. Kanes

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    I feel like you¿'re just describing my life
    Before I grew breasts (in my case they are huge, I can't ven run because if I run, they start to hurt because of how they jump, like crazy...), before the breast-hell I was that kind of girl who was the WHOLE day out of the house, playing. I used to play with balls, I used to ride a bike, I used to play to jump the cord, I used to come back home covered in dirt, literally. I even used to climb trees, tall trees, and I was happy as fck. Life was simpler. I even used to play with along with boys, who treat me as an equal, and I never felt uncomfortable with them, because they actually talked to my face. I miss that.

    Now I'm a indoor girl. I play with my computer, I don't go out, actually going to shopping is fcking hard because as you know there are mirrors in the clothing shopping and my breasts look as huge as they are, and I can't use my waist-size because when I put in those tshirts or blouses, they don't fit through my chest. They don't go down, they stop there like there was an obstacle made of rock. My waist is not thin thin thin but it's acceptable, but because I have these huge breasts and I don't like tight clothing -not because of my breasts as everyone around thinks, but because I LIKE THE FCKING AIR CIRCULATING THROUGH MY SKIN SO I DON'T SWEAT- so because of that choice of clothing, I tend to look like I am 2 or 3 sizes fatter, just because of my breasts. I don't like tight clothing, I literally cannot see them. When I'm in them, I feel like I can't eat. I like to have my stomach free to grow, because in every meal I feel it growing, like literally, and I'm so cool with that, unlike most of girls who just feel like dying if they see their stomach growing because of a candy...
    And as I said at the beginning, I can't run, literally, and even when I'm stooped I look like I'm showing breasts, like I'm standing upright, so people are always looking at them and I hate it. I have low voice and huge breasts, and tha for men it's practically an invitation.

    And I have short haired, and along with my huge breasts I tend to look like a butch girl, which I'm not. I feel more agender, but my breasts are standing in the way to look like that, which would reflect how I feel inside. So I decided that when start to work, I'm gonna get rid of them, and people around me are so stupid about it, like I'm commiting a sin, that I stopped talking about it. Talking about me actually, because I am a contradiction to them. I feel agender (I havent said that to them, I think they would send me to a mad house) and I am short haired, like really short, I dress comfortably and not sexy (in this occidental society that's practically a sin), and I LIKE MEN.

    Yeah, so that's how hard it is.
     
    #18 Kanes, Nov 1, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2014
  19. BradThePug

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    This thread is from 2011. Please remember to check dates before posting.
     
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